[misskitty3]

ugh! first, let me say that i work over 40 hours a week. hubby does not work and he has decided to take off this semester of school to work on our house. he says that his job is taking care of the house. so i don't do much housework. i do some, but not lately since i broke my tailbone.

since sunday he's been saying that he'll clean up the pots and pans from when i made him dinner. (you know, one cooks the other does the dishes that day) i told him i didn't care when he did them. but yesterday, i asked him if he had done them (i was still at work, and i'm sure he rolled out of bed at 2 or so) and he flips out!!! saying that i'm riding him and i'm a nag, and that he does enough around the house and i never do anything and he has to cater to me since i've been injured.... he said he was busy taking out the trash, and washing/folding towels so he didn't get to it. well, excuse me, but that was done before i went to bed at 11 and he was up until 5:30 am, i'm pretty sure that he had time to wash the pots and pans! i was calm throughout this whole nonsense argument, and i think he realized that i wasn't acusing him of doing nothing cause he called me ten minutes later acting like everything was fine.

but i'm still ****ed! how dare he act this way, when it was his choice to not work, not go to school so he could take care of things around the house!? he feels unappreciated for some reason, i always say thank you for the things that he does, i do help out from time to time, i don't know what i'd do without him and he knows it.

so, do i sit down and have a talk with him? i know the answer is yes, but i feel like i need to show him that i do appreciate him first. and i'm out of ideas on that one.

is this a traditional husband/wife fight? more often than not, its the woman who is at home and feels unappreciated huh? i just don't know what to do. if he made this decision, he should deal with it and stop complaining. but it is my house too, and i don't want him acting like i don't do anything.

i'm tempted to get another job just to spite him. like, fine, i won't even be here enough to dirty your precious house!

ugh, i'm just frustrated!!!

[rcoreyus]

Ok, My $.03 (inflation).

First, sit down by yourself and make a list of all of the chores you do, and all of the chores he does. Chore is anything that needs to be done, and contributes to your combined welfare. Jobs, cleaning house, laundry, cooking, fixing the car, fixing the computer, gardening, bills, taxes, food shopping, everything you can think of – even if the person doing it enjoys the task.

See if this list looks unbalanced.

Then mark off those items that each of you enjoy doing. Maybe he likes working on the house, mark it off. Maybe you enjoy your job, mark it off.

Does the new list look unbalanced.

If both lists look unbalanced in his favor, then I think you have a reason to want to change things. If only one looks unbalanced – well maybe one of you just enjoys chores more than the other – OK as long as the chores get done.


There are also some chores that are in a grey area. For instance, my wife cooks very nice dinners. But – generally when I get home from work I am too tired to really appreciate them, and I wish she would not work so hard at it. Are the nice dinners a “chore”, since I don’t really want them? Or, I put a lot of effort into keeping our computers working well. She uses them, and I think doesn’t realize how much effort it takes for them to do everything she wants them to do.

If you’ve calmly thought about it and still think it is unbalanced, the approach I’d recommend is to suggest that you would like to spend more time with him – if he did more of the chores, you would have more free time. If he isn’t attracted by the idea of spending more time with you, then there is a different issue.

Good luck

[Little]

Maybe there's an underlying problem? It doesn't sound like nagging to me, but you might have to nag him to figure out what's going on. Usually ridiculous things are warning lights. He might be working through self-worth issues, or something might be bothering him. Of course, it could also be something malicious like cheating. I hope everything works out for the two of you!
Good luck!

[misskitty3]

thanks rcoreyus. that was helpful advice. i think i will come up with a list. cause you're right, i fix the computer, i take care of the dog, i work, i pay some bills, and some of those things i like doing, so i don't really think of it as work. and maybe he doesn't either, until he needs a break or something. but, we all need breaks sometimes, don't we? he always wants to spend more time with me. that's why he is so against me getting a second job, but sometimes i feel like if that's what i have to do to prove myself, then i'll do it.

Little,
it occured to me that there was something else going on with him. i think he is depressed or something. but my goodness! Cheating? that's a little much. i understand your concern regarding that topic but not every man is out to screw over his wife...at least i hope not!

what happened later that night....
he came home from a sporting event, and he brought me a present. and he was very generous in the bedroom. so i think that was his way of saying sorry for acting the way he did. actually saying sorry would be nicer than the present, but men have their way of expressing emotion, and so do women.

i've since calmed down, but i know that if i don't write out this list then i'll torture myself with this at some other point....thanks again!