[FedUp7777]

Short version, married over 20 years. In a controlling marriage. Was in a controlling family (parents & sisters) until I broke free about 4 years ago. Since then I have noticed how much H controls me. Give me an allowance each week. Talked me into opening a family retail business so I do not have a paycheck now - this after 5 years of making a great salary. Tells me to go out by myself, then decides to join me if I take him up on it. Asks who I talk to each day, what we talk about. I've just started reclaiming my independence. Now he tries to own everything I try to do for myself. Takes credit for it and tells me he is giving me permission. Asks where I am going when I get up from my chair. I try to not even answer anymore. He has seen me change over the past few weeks and tells me I have taken everything from him now - says he no longer has a wife, lover, and best friend. Says I have made him feel empty. He knows I am very unhappy. He gained over 100 pounds on the past 15 years and told me all along that no one else would have him but I am stuck with him cause I'm his wife. That is the attitude he has. We go to counseling again tomorrow night and I'm ready to tell him I want a separation. Is there any hope???

[Still Nobody]

Short version, married over 20 years. In a controlling marriage. Was in a controlling family (parents & sisters) until I broke free about 4 years ago. Since then I have noticed how much H controls me. Give me an allowance each week. Talked me into opening a family retail business so I do not have a paycheck now - this after 5 years of making a great salary. Tells me to go out by myself, then decides to join me if I take him up on it. Asks who I talk to each day, what we talk about. I've just started reclaiming my independence. Now he tries to own everything I try to do for myself. Takes credit for it and tells me he is giving me permission. Asks where I am going when I get up from my chair. I try to not even answer anymore. He has seen me change over the past few weeks and tells me I have taken everything from him now - says he no longer has a wife, lover, and best friend. Says I have made him feel empty. He knows I am very unhappy. He gained over 100 pounds on the past 15 years and told me all along that no one else would have him but I am stuck with him cause I'm his wife. That is the attitude he has. We go to counseling again tomorrow night and I'm ready to tell him I want a separation. Is there any hope???

Well, you say that you're going to counseling again, how many times have you gone, and has there been any improvements? I'm sure you've probably already asked yourself that, and I think the answer you come up with will tell you if there is any hope. I hope there has been some little change in his behavior, and that you can see a little glimmer of hope, but if not, I think this is the most important line in your post:

Was in a controlling family (parents & sisters) until I broke free about 4 years ago.

You broke free because you were as fed up then as you are now. The oppressive behavior you describe in your post should be enough incentive to get away from him so you can start living your life.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

I'm a guy.

LEAVE HIM.

You aren't happy, and he's a control freak, and it sounds like an ugly fat one too.

You should have your independance, and he's destroyed that. I'm sure sourpuss or little will post saying "google the signs of an abusive relationship". Get a job again, so you make your own money, into your own account. If you really want to stay with him, then do it under your terms, not his - although it sounds like it's his intentions to turn you into an owned pet/slave, which I pretty much disagree with.


You don't OWE him your life, just because you're married doesn't mean you have to give up on yourself to be what he wants you to be..

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT.

[Little]

Sure, there's hope ... if you get him to break his codependent bond with you. He's lost his own life and identity; he's become "FedUp's Husband." He's trying to take your identity from you now that you're independent; remind you that you're "Mrs. Hisname," not "Mrs. FedUp."
Do you have children who live with you? If you don't, I think that you might be able to work this out. Get that separation and see how he reacts to it. See if he apologizes for his actions, and see if those apologies hold up. If his reactions become explosive anger or hysterical crying in front of you, then it will probably get worse instead of better.
Talk to your counselor alone sometimes instead of together. It's obvious that even though you're the one recovering from controlling relationships, he's the one with the issues.
If you do have children living with you, that makes it a little harder. He can use them to coerce you, and probably will. That would make things go downhill much faster.
Good luck.
You have to do what makes you happy; congrats on your newfound freedom.

[Guest]

Is there any hope???

sure there is. make it clear what you believe the marriage should look like - what demands & concessions you believe are realistic for both of you.

i agree with little - accept he may not know what a mutually agreeable relationship looks like. if not, then he won't be able to respond well to a separation. he might need to learn about that before you can expect him to work for it.

[FedUp7777]

We have been in counseling for a month. Once together, once separate. Tonight is the third visit. I see my own therapist and have been for 6 years. She has seen the changes in me and supports me reclaiming my independence but knows how he is and tells me I have a very long road to travel to 'teach' him how to treat me with respect. I do not feel like 'teaching' him anymore.

I have 3 teens, boy - 18, girl - 16, boy 13. The girl is bipolar and ADHD. I have had most of the responsibility for her and her illness because he denied there were issues for many years. The school would say I needed to learn parenting skills so he believed them instead of me. She has been in treatment since she was 6 but he still never believed me. Now he does after hospitalization and a DSM disgnosis 2 years ago and due to the past, she clings to him for her safety net. Just a month ago I had to tell him I would move out if he continued to let her curse me out, attack me vebally and physically and generally abuse me. He stepped in finally but still gives in way too many times to her.

The boys are so respectful to me. It is if they are trying to compensate for H and daughter. Trying to leave will be a nasty ordeal, that is for sure.

I was very independent at 25 when he met me. He does not want that independent person back again though. He asks why I do everything I do now. He does not realize it he says, and denies it. Says he is just interested. We cannot have a conversation about us without his side of the conversation turning to reccomendations or criticism or questioning me. If I have a conversation with him, I just want it to be that - a conversation - not a solution or arguement. I try so hard to ignore him but he then asks why I am being distant. I do not even know how to answer anymore. My answer would be "you are just goning to try to put down anything I say" so I do not because it would lead to arguements.

He has been emotionally abusive all our marriage. He talks down to me. Today we had an appointment and I almost had to run to keep him from walking in front of me and making me follow. He takes the whole sidewalk and makes me walk in the road. There is simply no respect what so ever.

How does one teach their spouse respect if there never was any?