[LadyLane]

Good for you. And hopefully your therapist will help you map out a life plan so that you can figure out how to get out without losing the shirt on your back.

That other counselor just wanted to put a band-aid over a dam break to get your money each week. How disrespectful to the profession.

[FedUp7777]

So now he tells me all the time how he wants me to be happy....

• Do this because I know it will make you happy.
• I want you to do this to be happy.
• I know what you like and I want you to have it to be happy.
• I want you to share with me about the things in your day that make you happy.
• I want us to go there because it will make you happy.
• Lets think about this because it will make you happy.
• Do whatever you need to do to be happy.

Of course the things that I need to be happy right now is not something that would please him very much - I want to spend time with other men who are caring, compassionate, kind, encouraging, etc. I have a slew of friends who meet this criteria. I want to date again and be special to someone if only for the evening.

I know that in his mind he thinks he means well. He says he is desperately seeking things to mend the problems we have. But crazy as it may sound I feel like it is his new strategy to control me. Because the effects of the negative control got taken away from him, he is trying the positive means hoping for a positive outcome. Am I crazy????

[sourpuss]

So now he tells me all the time how he wants me to be happy....

• Do this because I know it will make you happy.
• I want you to do this to be happy.
• I know what you like and I want you to have it to be happy.
• I want you to share with me about the things in your day that make you happy.
• I want us to go there because it will make you happy.
• Lets think about this because it will make you happy.
• Do whatever you need to do to be happy.

Of course the things that I need to be happy right now is not something that would please him very much - I want to spend time with other men who are caring, compassionate, kind, encouraging, etc. I have a slew of friends who meet this criteria. I want to date again and be special to someone if only for the evening.

I know that in his mind he thinks he means well. He says he is desperately seeking things to mend the problems we have. But crazy as it may sound I feel like it is his new strategy to control me. Because the effects of the negative control got taken away from him, he is trying the positive means hoping for a positive outcome. Am I crazy????

The cynic in me reads those as points on a guilt trip. Does he say "I do this to make you happy" when referring to something you both know he does not like? (that what I pictured when I read it) if so, that is definitely a guilt trip and very belittling.

But, who knows, maybe he really means it. In which case you should be open to him at least trying for a bit.

[C]

I see him as carefully plotting his next move......He has no intention of changing.....He is a controller and once he has had control, from my experience in life, they never give up.......To make matters worse, the person that is being controlled knows this, feels this and fears it.... The answer, escape....Just my thoughts...

[kaylar]

I am with you Caroline.
Here's a guy just working strategy for his
next move.
He can play the game, get the wife into
whatever box he has, and do whatever it
is he wants.

He is never going to change. He's a manipulator
and he loves what he does.

I know a guy like that, who will continue to try
even tho' his wife left, she married, got divorced,
and he's still in the wings, trying to manipulate her.

Unlike this particular case, the wife had him sussed
to such a science that she could tell you what he
would do next, and sure enough, so said so done.

[FedUp7777]

OMG! You guys are correct! Just last night he cornered me and wanted to know how I was feeling now. I asked what he meant and he said that he had been doing things to make me happy and was wondering if I was over all the hurt. WTF????? He 'allowed' me to go out by myself Friday night and behaved on a ride we took Sunday - what he should have been doing all along, but was behaving more because of a cute gal rider we had with us. 'Behaved' in that he was not going too fast and leading the riders beyond their limits. So he thinks that is enough to bring me back to my compliant self.

I answered that I was no better, if anything was leaning toward more assurance that I was ready to leave. This ticked him off and he went on and on about how I am never gonna be happy and he can never do enough for me. I had a martial arts class and he asked if I was going. I said yes and he proceeded to have this long discussion. Of course I missed the class - strategic I guess - and just when I thought I had a really good handle on staying in control of myself, I ended up in a situation that has not been this intense and mystifying in months.

I told him due to sexual events over the past year that left me feeling humiliated I was not interested in sex with him at all. He said that if I truely meant that then he was not interested in being married anymore and started threatening me with divorce. I had told him over and over I wanted out of the marriage. Now he's attempting to threaten me with that? I told him the threats were going over my head because I already wanted that. He picked at everything he thought would make me back down including that we have to tell the kids immediately, knowing I wanted to wait for a few weeks because my son is about the graduate and I thought we could let him get through school before hitting him with it. He knows we are having major troubles now anyway. I said ok to that threat and he had to dig deeper. When it was obvious nothing was spooking me he turned the tables again and said we could not have a separation because we could not afford 2 households and that was that. When it appeared I was not going to argue with him he then stated that he didn't think I wanted to separate or divorce and he needed to make me stay til I realized that. By that time my head had been through such a whirlwind that I was unresponsive. Then he said he would do me a big favor for not fighting him on this and leave me alone completely for a few days to help me heal from my fear of him. I had admitted that I was afraid that he would go off the deep end and I would call the cops and he would end up loosing his job and that I would not do that to the kids. Well, that was a major mistake! I walked away asking myself where I had gone wrong. I had sat there unafraid, only giving short answers, not arguing, no emotion, and he turned the tables on me 4 times in the 2 hour discussion. Then apologized for making me miss my class.

[Fallen1]

OMG! You guys are correct! Just last night he cornered me and wanted to know how I was feeling now. I asked what he meant and he said that he had been doing things to make me happy and was wondering if I was over all the hurt. WTF?????

Does he think that you are just supposed to get over years of hurt in just a few days and a few good deeds?
IF you get over it at all it will take a loooong time, I honestly doubt you will.

I've been reading your posts and I agree with everyone else, it's time for you to get out.

I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 18 years but it wasn't quite to the extent of yours. Everything I did was not good enough, everything I did was wrong, etc. etc. I had wanted to leave much earlier but like you didn't know how I was going to make it as I had a 11 year old child at the time. It had gotten to the point to where I was getting physically sick from the all the stress, had no self esteem left and actually had no feelings for him left. I was lucky enough to be able to move back in with my parents at the time who supported me 100%.

Divorce is hard thing to go through even when you have no feelings left but you will come out of it a new person in the end.

[kaylar]

Divorce is no longer the "D" word.
It has become very common and is not
the tsunami you think it is.

Telling kids, 'we're going to separate
for a while' in the same tone they might
have used when they didn't want to play
with another kid for awhile, or stopped
liking a sport goes over well.

Children are more traumatised by dysfunctional
relationships then divorce.

[alibaby]

I'm worried that all of the concern that he suddenly has for your supposed happiness will lead to him snap some day soon. Counseling takes a lot of time and effort...but that's time in which he can continue to manipulate you. He knows what he's doing. I can't offer advice, I just hope that you can stay strong for yourself and your children and that you can get yourself out of there.

[C]

My thoughts....

Only when you have lived in a house with a controling parent do you appreciate the graveness of this situation. My Mother took it for years. We children suffered. I saw her thrown across the kitchen floor but his control of her held her close to home. Divorce was a dreaded word then but never did she think of the hell we went through even as children...A person who controls can be very unstable and getting them mad and more manipulative creates a bigger disaster......You know I was just thinking...I slept with a knife under my pillow until I moved out and got married.....

Anyone who lives in this hell must escape....You only live once...