[JoJo]

I am freaking out ...

My husband of 25 years likes men that are dressed as women. I know he has had phone sex with them (I saw posts about it on the internet).

I found where he had gone online and joined a horneymatches website. I went on his account (I found out his password) and saw where he had sent emails to men dressed as women asking them for phone sex. He actually called them a WOMAN. He told them he was not interested in having sex with a man, but THAT type of woman made him very aroused.

Some of the other emails were to real women asking them for sexual favors over the phone or by cybersex.

I stopped having sex with my husband over 2 years ago when I first discovered this. He promised he would stop doing it, and I was just starting to consider having sex with him again, and I find this.

I of course confronted him with it and he says I am enough for him (if we start having sex again). He swears he won't do anything like this again.

I am a grown woman and know the chances of him doing this again are very good, but truthfully, I don't want to give up all we have worked for (financially) over the last 25 years.

My question to everyone is ... Is my husband gay? bi? Or just curious??

[misskitty3]

i'm curious as to why you thought taking sex away for two years would get your husband to stop this behavior? was that a punishment? if so, that's kinda childish... and of course he didn't stop when you took away his main outlet (you) for pleasure! are you trying to control him this way or do you really want to work this out?

back to the question at hand... no i don't think that your husband is bi or gay, he just has a fantasy. believe me, most men think of the strangest things and it turns them on. who knows why. they don't even know why... and then when we get upset for them thinking that way, it hurts them deep down, like they are wrong or should be punished.

i like to think of these types of situations as if the shoe were on the other foot. maybe you can relate in some way?

either way, good luck and don't worry too much. talk this one out

[C]

I will disagree with the above poster....I would say YES he is gay or bi-sexual. I WOULD not ever have sex with him again unless he wore a condom because chances are that he has already had sex with a man and you are taking a chance of a disease. I still would hesitate or make him have the tests and see the results myself...

Don't give up what you have. Lead your own life. Have fun and forget about him and what he is doing....He is in his own fantasy land and I have doubts you would ever want to go there...

Just my thoughts on this...

Caroline

[kaylar]

I agree with Caroline.

I strongly believe that this man has engaged
in sex with men. The 'down low' is not a black
phenomenon.

The term might have arisen in a the black community,
but the 'I love women but have sex with Men' philosophy
is why shrouds the so called 'bi' group.

The question of bisexuality has always provoked me,
as it flies in the face with current 'politically
correct' explanations as to homosexuality/heterosexuality.

Posing the question on a number of Gay fora, the overwhelming
response has been that persons who say they are 'bi' are
homosexuals unwilling to admit it; and take the safer
'bi' route.

The fact the husband doesn't seem to miss sex with the
wife suggests that sex with the wife was a 'duty' he is
happy to dispense with so that he can have more energy
to enjoy his homosexual relationships.

[Little]

Maybe he's gay. Maybe he's bi (I'm bi ... but bisexual people generally have a preference sex,mine being men.)
But from what it sounds, does it really matter if he is? If he isn't? Your relationship sounds like a marriage of convenience ... no sex, absolutely no trust ... and really, no reason for those things, either.
If he is gay, or curious, or whatever, maybe he will agree to a quiet and fair divorce. Counseling. Something. Or on the other hand, what about staying together just for the financial situation? If he's cheating on you, what's to stop you from turning into a swinging marriage?
You have to come to a decision. If he's gay, there's nothing you can do. Don't blame him; just blame him lying to himself over the past 25 years.
But I say the bottom line isn't his sexuality; it's his lies.

[kaylar]

Little, you made a very interesting post I ought have
quoted..however....

The sexuality of this husband is on equal par with
his lying.

Perhaps it is the root cause of his lying.

Many people do not want to admit or commit to being
homosexual, so enter into relationships with the
opposite sex as a 'beard'. It seems in this case
that the marriage was that 'beard'.

By being married to a woman this man 'proves' he
is NOT gay. Obviously, he needs this 'crutch'
because he can not accept himself.

That is wife caught him after all these years
suggests to me that he is finally coming to
grips with his sexuality.

There has probably been clandestine tyrsts
all through this marriage. He has kept his
proclivities hidden, and of course, resort
to lying about everything.

As I view him being on the 'cusp' it seems
rather evident that it is time for a confrontation.

I use the word confrontation contra counseling as
I believe he has reached the stage where he is
two sentence away from admission.

The wife has to decide;

1) Do I even want to hear what he is going to say?
2) Can I remain in an intimate situation with this
person?

It is not about him any more, it is about her.
How she wants the next year to look.

It may be in her best interest to go for a divorce
and close the chapter, as is, where is, without the
gory details.

Lying is always a problem, even if it is about
feeding the dog. In this case, the underlying
cause of the lying is the significance.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The fact the husband doesn't seem to miss sex with the
wife suggests that sex with the wife was a 'duty' he is
happy to dispense with so that he can have more energy
to enjoy his homosexual relationships.

In today's day and age, homosexuality is being bought out on the screens, openly, freeingly expressed at the Oscars, this singer is gay, this TV host is gay, and it does not affect their ratings, their performances, their careers.

25 years ago? It was hidden. and, i agree, usually behind a woman, or man, in marriage.

Surely, if he was like this before, it must have been evident that there was fetishes beyond a normal relationship and that of which you did not agree with personally.

I do agree, that withholding sex, is forseen as a punishment, a control, i've been there, you know that Kaylar.

And, i do believe this to be wrong.

My concern is that he also talks to women, asking for sexual favours.

WOULD he not therefore, seeing as he knows his way around the internet sites, find ones where you can meet, and "greet"....

Money is money, in appreciation of the work put in to gain such, but a good Lawyer should be able to ensure, you are secure.

I say, dangerous territory and no where have you said, and " I love him to death" Our marriage has been terrific until 2 years ago.

Seems to me, it's finances.

Life is short. Live hard, play hard, die "hard" well you would if you were a male, but you know what i mean.

[C]

So many women are so hard up and desperate for a man that they will tolerate this over and over. A big author has a popular site for women. What I have read there has shocked me. Women being in a relationship with a man knowing that he is swinging from both sides yet staying for this "companionship" as they call it....They write and question if they should and could still blow him without worrying about a possible disease. Now these are not younger women, here we are talking about women in their 60's who are lonely and just plain looking for love. They have let life pass them by and are now reading the writing on the wall plus are about as horny as they can be and desperate. One woman wrote of going to a doctor and telling him her troubles and her need for sex. He told her to consider getting a female for a lover.

What a woman will tolerate in this world nowadays because of this vast male homosexual thing just shocks me to death. But they do and they will and it a subject that they just plain accept....So he bleeds them dry and then when their relationship is done he moves on to another older woman and keeps "old johnnylowblowwiththebigdi*k" on the side. Sometimes reading all these stores I am not sure if I am the normal one or not....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What a woman will tolerate in this world nowadays because of this vast male homosexual thing just shocks me to death. But they do and they will and it a subject that they just plain accept....So he bleeds them dry and then when their relationship is done he moves on to another older woman and keeps "old johnnylowblowwiththebigdi*k" on the side. Sometimes reading all these stores I am not sure if I am the normal one or not....[/quote]


Your question again, is he bi? gay? curious?

As Caroline says " What a woman will tolerate"....

If you even think one of the three and your only concern is $$$$ please time to go, do not pass go, just go......

[Little]

"this vast male homosexual thing?" What?

Ladies, ladies, let's not make another thread filled with insinuations of homophobia. People are people. There are good people, there are bad people, and there are people who lie like dogs. There are insecure people, too. They can be straight, gay, bi, lesbian ... whatever combination you want!
You really shouldn't "tsk tsk" at him for staying in the closet. Coming out of the closet has vast repercussions. I'm 19 and barely bisexual, and you would not believe the amount of difficulty I've had with people knowing about my sexuality. The reputations they've bestowed on me because of it, the friends I've lost ... you have no idea. And that's in this "new generation" that's supposed to be "so accepting" ... twenty-five years ago? Forget about it!
He's lied. He's cheated. He falls directly under Kaylar's age-old cheatin' hubby formula. If he doesn't have a wife, he can't have that mistress ... regardless of the gender of that other person. He's cheated, or tried to, with both. So even if he is on the "down low," or in the closet, or whatever, the point still is that he cheated.
That he's probably still cheating.
And if money is the only thing keeping that marriage together, his sexual preference is probably the least of problems.

If this thread goes the way of the other Down-Low thread with all the gay-bashing, real or imagined, I'm closing it without a second thought. If you want to talk about it again in another thread, start one and discuss [civilly and respectfully,] but don't hijack this one.