[C]

The point I usually make here is that...
what if after xyz years of marriage the
husband died?

A number of women become basket cases
when their husbands die.

They don't want to get out of bed, they
don't know what to do, they have no life.

Very often, these women get cheated,
virtually giving away their property, if the
have children, becoming a resented burden
to them, and just 'marking time' until they
die.

I recall a woman in her forties...yes, she
was 45 and her husband of 25 years died
and that women virtually willed herself to
death. I thought she was like 70.

Another woman got counselling and became
the 'merry widow', her life continued, she
contributed to society.

I recall celebrating the 60th Wedding anniversary
of another friend, whose husband died soon
after, and yet, because she was a person in
her own right for those 60 years, she could
continue.

So being your own person is not being anti-
marriage, it is a very necessary trait.

Women who are in happy marriages should
still strive for that kind of 'me' identity which
enhances a relationship.

There is a difference between husband coming
in from wherever and being the only one with
a life outside the home, and both of them
coming in to share experiences.

I recall one very old man who said to me;
"The reason I stayed with my old girl is
because like Scherazade she had me hooked
on her stories."

The woman was INTERESTING.
She had never been...'honey the dishwasher
isn't working, the big on has a cold, the dog
chewed up your slippers...'

Thanks Kay, That is a part of life that I can't bear to think about....I wonder if anyone has ever loved anyone as much as I love him.....We will be 50 years this November...

Another lesson learned from you...xox C

[GZGirl]

I started out asking about how to remain in my relationship and your comments have led to so much more examination. I hadn't intended to leave out part of the story -- as I didn't realize I would be sharing the whole thing. When I first wrote, I had decided to stay with him. Over the course of the last four days I have changed my mind a hundred times. I have shared some of the thoughts you have raised and he agrees that I need to find myself. He says he wants to help me do that. Practically speaking, how can I find myself if I am thrust into a single-mom, struggling to make ends meet and support my family?

Is anyone out there a single mom who can comment?

I also agree that some spouses will almost die themselves if their husband dies. That was the first thing I said to him after he told me -- "it would have been easier if you had died." I still feel that. If he had died I would have no choice but to move on without him. Now I have to decide.

I understand something else now, also. Prior to moving overseas we both had the same job with the same company. We were equal in everything -- salary, responsibility, everything. As I look back over the years I can see places where our relationship was suffering but I trusted him so completely, I did not imagine that our struggles (arguments) would be signs of deeper trouble. I just trusted him.

Can I find myself if I do stay with him?? Or is that impossible??

[kaylar]

It is going to take you a while to realise that this
relationship is over. You want to hang in there to
squeeze out the last drops of 'together' before it
ends.

You take this time to regain yourself. You do things
for you. You cook what you like as you like it. You
do whatever it was you used to do.

He will have to support the child. He will have to give
you money on which to live if you get divorced, and in
many cases divorces are not proceeded with when
the money aspect arises.

For example;

B was having an affair with D and handed his wife
the divorce petition for he'd made up his mind to
leave her. Wife had a very good lawyer, and the
house that B thought was 'his' was in fact not just
half hers, but considering that while he spend his
money on D and all the D's that preceded her, the
wife had spent money on the house.

Hence, to divorce Wife meant he would lose the
house in a forced sale and gain 1/3rd of the value.
At that point he decided it would be too expensive
to divorce Wife.

D, realising she wasn't getting the mansion moved on.
Wife, being an idiot, did not divorce him.

So sometimes this 'let's start over' is really, "it would
be too expensive to divorce you now, but when the
kid is older and I don't have to support him anymore,
and if I wisely squirrel away money that you don't
know about, then me and my gal can live pretty well
once I get rid of you."

(I do a lot of divorces)

In some cases, making sure the gal knows that
the house is in the wife's name, or that the
business is in the wife's name, ends the affair.

I recall explaining to a chap that 1/3 of his salary
would have to go to the child, and as he was a
Gov. worker, the money would be deducted before
he got his pay bill.

After a long stream of obscenities, he realises that
it was 'cheaper' to keep wifey happy and sneak
around until the kid was 18 then to have to give
over 1/3rd of his pay.

The reason I toss this out is because many women
don't realise that men will consult divorce lawyers
just before the 'reunion' and it is not so much,
"I love you and don't want to lose you" it is
"I don't want you to take my money."

[CHANDLERS WISH]

[

Is anyone out there a single mom who can comment?

You cope in life regardless of what obstacles are put in front of you.


Can I find myself if I do stay with him?? Or is that impossible??[/quote]

You haven't made your mind up yet which way to go and this is your life, your decision.

I too soul searched my past 10 months of separation to what Kaylar said earlier, and sourpuss, which i was blinded at the time to feel perhaps, because i am separated, or perhaps because i found myself... So it did not occur to me that this is the soul core of it all.

But, now i do see that, as that is what enabled me to then make the decision as to what " i want" and make " my decision" not his.

I can only relate to what happened to me as a wife, who then separated and shortly will divorce.

I did soul search. One day, i said, i've had enough, i am not me, i am not doing or being who i want to be because he was controlling it all, apart from work, it was my passion and he couldn't get in that door.

Understand, he was not my soul mate, rather, i hoped and that was my mistake, so yes i loved him but true passion and love, no it was easier for me.

But what i did do, is start to find myself, who am i, am i happy, do i need to take this anymore? And i said no....

Kaylar once said to me the main thing is you got out of it. I know she handles divorce a lot and hears a lot of heartache but that comment was correct.

So, i started to ask silly questions, what's my favourite colour, what car do i want to drive, what sort of love would i really desire, how would i like to be in bed.

Actually, it was the bed thing that got me the most. I am an extremely sensual person and a giver. To have to forgo that for 7 years well, i couldn't take that anymore.

So, slowly, i looked back at me before and i liked her better, she was funny and happy and nothing bothered her, she had not fear she was a go getter. Even my business was falling because of the negativity.

But, yes i was still with him, waiting for the day. And, i slowly searched deep in the soul and found.

Now, parted, i am even stronger, more confident and don't give a ****. I know what i want and i will find, or have i hope....There is a new man now in my life. I had no idea what was out there, those wasted years....

But, start using the net to see what jobs are available, speak to family what can they offer in assistance if you were to go back,start finding i guess answers and then decide once you know where you can go, and who you really are and what you really want in life with or without him. The decision will come but : -

FIND YOURSELF FIRST , 2 people have said it, i did it, that makes 3 and Caroline did in a different way, sexually with her husband, who ever she is, she needs to come out and play

[GZGirl]

How long can I take?

Thanks again --this website has been my salvation. I feel like I was surrounded by people who not only cared about me but who would be as brutally honest as I needed.

I have one last question. It is an unfair one to ask, but I need some sense of how I am progressing through this. I found out on Friday (for those who are Christian, you will see the irony in that....) about this affair. That's less than a week ago.

How long after you found out about infidelity did it take you to finally make the break? Do you feel that the time you spent making the decision was needed (crawl before walking) or was it just wasted energy? Part of me is ready to dive in and go on my own. (I just found out I can get my job back). Part of me hesitates to rush into this decision that cannot be reversed.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Thanks again --this website has been my salvation. I feel like I was surrounded by people who not only cared about me but who would be as brutally honest as I needed.

I have one last question. It is an unfair one to ask, but I need some sense of how I am progressing through this. I found out on Friday (for those who are Christian, you will see the irony in that....) about this affair. That's less than a week ago.

How long after you found out about infidelity did it take you to finally make the break? Do you feel that the time you spent making the decision was needed (crawl before walking) or was it just wasted energy? Part of me is ready to dive in and go on my own. (I just found out I can get my job back). Part of me hesitates to rush into this decision that cannot be reversed.

Yep, i have noticed that as well, gets me into trouble sometimes
You may still have more questions after this one

Mmm i leave that one to those whom have had infidelity happen to them and how they felt....

But Easter Friday and less than a week, i would be saying that you are still soul searching, bouncing around like a ball, still with anger and then with but.

You have to search inside whether he can commit to you and the children or not, two weeks after you moved and then had an affair, can you deal with that and who are you and what do you want...

No doubt the added advise here will help you...

Good that you can get your job back if you do decide to leave though, that's a load of your shoulders there.

I just still think of " i loved her", that is the bit that bothered me the most....

Take care.

[Gia]

My husband (I can't believe this is actually happening) recently told me has been having an affair. Sleeping with her, taking trips with her, falling in love with her. We have been married 17 years. Two kids. I was totally blindsided by this. I hadn't a clue until he totally lost interest in having sex with me. After tears and hours of talking we have decided to try to start a new relationship rather than return to the old one. That will be challenging, sometimes seeming impossible, but I know we can do it. I have that hope. I would go insane if I did not.

I miss sex so much, I want to be with him again and start living a whole life rather than this empty, horrible one. How do I do it, though? How can I possibly kiss him or touch him without thinking of what he did with/to/for that other woman? How can I get through this? How can I ever be with him again if I can't get past this?

Why did your husband tell you about the affair now? What prompted him to tell you now? Perhaps the other woman "dumped him and found somebody else, now he is feeling alone and lonely, so he decided to come back to you," until he meets another woman. Once a cheater, always a cheater, and what about STD's? Aren't you afraid that by his cheating on you he may have exposed himelf and you to STD's? Also, if you take him back, you are telling your children, especially young daughters that it is O.K. for men to cheat on their wives and most likely since children follow in their parents footsteps, your daughter will marry a cheater and not respect herself, unless you show them and yourself that you have more respect for yourself, and you do not take this man back into your life. In due time, once you work on yourself and self-esteem and self respect issues, you will most likely meet the right man who will not be a cheater. Children usually can figure out what is happening without the parents even saying a thing!

Your children are the innocent ones in this scenario. Believe me, I have been through what you have. Focus on you and your children, not him. As Kaylar sad, examine who you were before you married. To get him "out of sight, out of mind, disconnect from him emotionally, take some college classes, join the health club, go back to work, establish a plan to become independent from him. Your children and yourself are the most important not him. If you take him back into your life, your children will always feel resentment inflicted onto them by your husband and they will go through life blaming you, the mother for this. Rediscover who you are. It is a difficult process, I did it and you will go through emotional pain, but believe me you will feel better about yourself and so will your children. If you take him back, suppose you are focusing on your children's homework, flu, birthday parties...so your husband cannot handle the attention you give your children, thus he leaves again and finds another mistress until he decides to have you take him back again, again and again, He has all of the power and control in this relationship! You have become subservient to him! You need to divorce him and re gain your power back! Have you thought about finding a woman's counselor just for yourself?

Gia