[windesire]

Hi
I found this website and have been reading....
The reason I am writing is because I am so confused on things and not sure what to do.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and our sex life sucks for the most part. He never comes to me touches me..kisses me or just holds me. I have asked him why not...he has no answer. He never comments to me about my body, good or bad...my looks or nothing...he says Nothing at all.
We don't talk much and when we do go places his interest is what is around him and not me. He watches porn when I leave for work, girlie pictures, or even watches tv commercials with women excerises.
He can spend days not talking to me and then want to have sex...have to call it sex because it sure isn't making love...I don't think we have at all...not truely.
He was gone for 4 years in prison and I was faithful to him..but is this the thanks I get. I could of cheated but I didn't...
what do I think about all this...I tried to talk to him..but nada.

[C]

Being away at prison for either sex is quite a problem. Sex can become a big thing... He probably has had homo-sexual adventures. That is part of the prison life for a man. Either he could have been the aggressor or the one that was taken. Anal sex is their way of life.

Everything that you are saying fits the pattern. Unless he talks about this with you and gets help you probably won't get any relief. The man that went to prison is not the same man that you are living with now. Maybe you can help him through this or maybe he just plain accepts it. Either way he is highly troubled or else accepting of his new life style and identity....TC, C

[kaylar]

One of the more offensive things we, as women, are
virtually 'impelled' to do is to 'be there' for him,
to 'accept' his changes, moods, etc.

It is pretty clear that whatever happened during
the time you were apart has more control over him
than being with you.

So far, you are not in his reality.

That he can't talk to you, that he can remain
locked into silence for days, etc. Suggests that
this relationship is over.

It is time for you to make your plans, and to
move on.

Although not all men wind up in homosexual relationships
in prison, and many do not...in this case I would agree
with Caroline on the possibility as his need to depersonalise
sex...(sort of how one deals with a gynecological
examination)...is rather evident.

However, there are two people in this story...
Him and YOU.
And YOU are just as important as Him.

Many women have found that being faithful to a man
in prison is detrimental as very very few men who
have been to prison even care about their wives after
a few months.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

[quote=windesire;33113]Hi
I found this website and have been reading....
The reason I am writing is because I am so confused on things and not sure what to do.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and our sex life sucks for the most part. He never comes to me touches me..kisses me or just holds me. I have asked him why not...he has no answer. He never comments to me about my body, good or bad...my looks or nothing...he says Nothing at all.
We don't talk much and when we do go places his interest is what is around him and not me. He watches porn when I leave for work, girlie pictures, or even watches tv commercials with women excerises.
He can spend days not talking to me and then want to have sex...have to call it sex because it sure isn't making love...I don't think we have at all...not truely.

For the beginning of your story, i thought that i was reading my own thread... True, i asked myself the exact same questions???? Only he always had an answer and it always related either to me, or wasn't important enough to say.

However, as i started to read further, noting porn, women, and then prison..

I recalled that my ex-husband's father went to prison. Rumors were rife that he had sexual relations there and after, with his brother - in - law.

Both, committed suicide in the end.

He started to beat the children, got lost in his cars and hobbies, neglected his wife totally and drove of a cliff, drunk which therefore became " an accident"..

I think it ate at him but as a result he also found a side he liked about himself and hense the brother-in-law who in return, also committed suicide perhaps as he couldn't fathom what he did...

But my ex-husband would look at glossy magazines i would bring home and every time state" she's a s....t". His first wife left him for another man.... he literally hated women but was perfect around all my friends, and treated all those women like treasure but not me.

I am actually wondering if he has tendancies as well but ignores them or just shame and guilt over what his father and uncle did, and were like and can not give. SOmething i will never know.

But you can't live like that, a lonley existance, sex only and only every now and then. I would pose that that to is "on the side?", just doing and that's it...

Time to find you and walk, it's not going to change at all.

I still get the blame, for everything now, but i choose to tell him that i am in a happy place with myself, there is no blame i hold no resentment and he needs to find love in himself... that is the strength i gained after leaving and i have a great, man standing by me at the moment who lusts after me and desires me, stand tall... don't take it is all i can advise you.

I was also faithful i might ad, irrespective, all the way through and mine was 8 years.... It's not easy unless you gain that respect for yourself and see that you can have an awsom sex life, be held and kissed and told you look fantastic, if you simply leave and when your ready find a new relationship.

I couldn't dream of being there again..............

[windesire]

he literally hated women but was perfect around all my friends, and treated all those women like treasure but not me.


WOW...that does sound like my husband....he has so many friends..but I wonder how...he does talk with them...even has women fall to there knees and then when I look at him ...i wonder why...he is so different to me...and my son...and think if they only really knew...

I have told him I was going to leave before and it got better for alittle bit...but in time it starts over again...

when he gets bored again...and I am the sucker everytime.

[Little]

What if he was raped in prison? Men CAN be raped, and as far as I know, it would affect them the same way it would a woman ... he could have been brutalized, demeaned, etc.
Whether that's true or not, it sounds like he needs counseling for himself first, then the relationship. When a person bottles things up, it can truly explode ... maybe he's making little explosions at you.
I know it's hard that he won't communicate, but maybe he truly feels like he CAN'T? Anybody who's been abused knows how hard it is to communicate about.
Try asking him yes/no questions. Tell him that he doesn't have to answer, but that you wish he would ... that you don't know what to do if he doesn't.
If there's still nothing, no communication, I hate to say that the relationship is over ... that it can't be anything other than over.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

he literally hated women but was perfect around all my friends, and treated all those women like treasure but not me.


WOW...that does sound like my husband....he has so many friends..but I wonder how...he does talk with them...even has women fall to there knees and then when I look at him ...i wonder why...he is so different to me...and my son...and think if they only really knew...

I have told him I was going to leave before and it got better for alittle bit...but in time it starts over again...

when he gets bored again...and I am the sucker everytime.

I did read a lot about me there yes windersire, it was wierd seeing his affection and making women laugh so much but then to look at those magazines and call all women are s....ts and loveless sex. Still confused.

I think the prison bit i mentioned and Little's thoughts are valid, hard to do but it's possible as well.

I was also thinking after, is he a jealous man? Mine was although not in as much as who i spoke to where i went, however, did show jealousy of other men if they paid attention to me.

So i am asking because even though you were faithful, could it be possible that as you were married 1 year and he was in jail for 4, and now back out, is it possible that he doesn't believe you no matter what you are saying or said?

Just a thought.

[windesire]

hmm yes I think he is jealous if someone gives me attention....we went to a event last summer and he was at my side the whole time. I couldn't even go to the bath room alone...at first I didn't know what to think as usual but then I was thinking what the heck?...he never seemed to care much before that...
I don't know really if he beleives I was faithful or not. But I was. I at times wonder now why I was...sad to say. I think I am getting angry at him for all this BS.
You know all I want to be is happy, with him and I just don't know what to do anymore.
It has been a long 5 years...between him being gone and then all this other stuff happening. At times I just want to run away from it all..but something keeps me here...and I have told him so.
For some reason I do love him and I have asked myself why...I like you were ....am lonely...I feel alone...what would be the differents not being with him...inside I think I would be happier.
I want to share what life I have left...I don't think that is too much too ask from everyone. Iam a person that likes my space too..so I am not asking to be there for my every beck and call.
I write poems and one day he found them when I was at work...he was mad at me...ask me why I thought and or felt that way...so I told him...he tried to change...but two weeks later back to the norm.
My daughter who is in college came home for a week and he wanted sex and so I started to close the door and he asked me what I was doing..I told him I was closing the door and locking it so my daughter don't come in....he said ..why??? why would it matter...needless to say...I got mad.
I asked him why he would say that...then he went on to say how my thinking is wrong....but is it?.....I don't know if it is me or what...heck of a spot to be in.
Thank you for talking to me...it is great to get all this out. Perhaps this is a form of therapy to get my head straight.
I know one thing...men at least the man I am married too...I just don't understand.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

hmm yes I think he is jealous if someone gives me attention....we went to a event last summer and he was at my side the whole time. I couldn't even go to the bath room alone...at first I didn't know what to think as usual but then I was thinking what the heck?...he never seemed to care much before that...
I don't know really if he beleives I was faithful or not. But I was. I at times wonder now why I was...sad to say. I think I am getting angry at him for all this BS.
You know all I want to be is happy, with him and I just don't know what to do anymore.
It has been a long 5 years...between him being gone and then all this other stuff happening. At times I just want to run away from it all..but something keeps me here...and I have told him so.
For some reason I do love him and I have asked myself why...I like you were ....am lonely...I feel alone...what would be the differents not being with him...inside I think I would be happier.
I want to share what life I have left...I don't think that is too much too ask from everyone. Iam a person that likes my space too..so I am not asking to be there for my every beck and call.
I write poems and one day he found them when I was at work...he was mad at me...ask me why I thought and or felt that way...so I told him...he tried to change...but two weeks later back to the norm.
My daughter who is in college came home for a week and he wanted sex and so I started to close the door and he asked me what I was doing..I told him I was closing the door and locking it so my daughter don't come in....he said ..why??? why would it matter...needless to say...I got mad.
I asked him why he would say that...then he went on to say how my thinking is wrong....but is it?.....I don't know if it is me or what...heck of a spot to be in.
Thank you for talking to me...it is great to get all this out. Perhaps this is a form of therapy to get my head straight.
I know one thing...men at least the man I am married too...I just don't understand.

Firstly, i am very concerned about that last paragraph pertaining to your daughter. I don't know of any parents ( and i know he is not the father) that would leave their bedroom door open whilst having sex when there is a teenager in the house. I think other's will be as well and may have advice here. I am not a mother so i'm not going there, but that's just plain, ahhh. Sort of puts a different light to me on all the women things he is looking at.... Scares me actually, and i don't feel it's right to share that opinion..

You have mentioned though that you "don't know if he knew you were faithful", and he read your poems and then tried to change and then couldn't.

1 year marriage is really what you have, the 4 years he wasn't there, only you know what it was like before hand and whether there is something to gain back.

Obviously if he doesn't know, then you need to tell him, your poems are your way of putting pen to paper about how you feel and they should not be shared unless you want them to be, i don't think it is wrong to not have them in a place to be read, it's a little world of our own.. But he read them and obviously was concerened at how you felt, but couldn't work with you on it for long.

I personally am more concerened about the sex bit and teenage daughter enough to say, lots doesn't add up here with being happy for the rest of your life.

At the worst for your own satisfaction, tell him what it was like over those 4 years, and that you waited for him.

I think frankly, jealousy, sex with the door open, girls, photos, porn, non communication, i wouldn't want to be in that relationship....

I'm not you though.

[windesire]

Not so sure I want to be anymore too...esp...after writing and reading my own words.
Thanks for the insight and listening to me.