[Chachee]

Ok, this is complicated, I think. I have been married 18 years. I am 42. Most of the people around us are around the same age. So here's the dilemma. My husband and I get along and have gotten along pretty well. I am a strong believer in respect whether it be my kids, husband or really anyone. I was in a wedding for a woman that I grew up with about 3 years ago. She has a variety of friends. Most of the wedding party were people that I hung around in high school and it was a lot of fun. Not everyone was crazy about each other because as we grew older we realized our differences. Anyway one woman in the wedding is a total tramp. She has been occupied as a stripper for men and women and has even been a prostitute. She can not carry herself in anyway except that. To put her shoes on she stood up, hiked her gown up, put her one foot on the table at the reception, spread her legs....in order to buckle her shoe. I dryly said, you know, there are easier ways to do that. She had cut her foot prior to putting her shoes on and had a tissue or something to dab the cut. At that point she went somewhere else in the reception and I was looking for my shoes. I grabbed them and went to meet my husband at the front. When I walked up I saw him reaching with his hand into her cleavage. He saw me and immediately went to the trash can and threw something out. When he came back I was ****ed. I really didn't say anything until we got in the car. He actually got ****ed and said he did not and doesn't remember. It was like 5 minutes ago. The next day, I was insane with anger. He still said he doesn't remember. I said you better stop drinking then if you have black outs like that. I think it was completely disrespectful to act like that at all and especially in front of my old friends. With the biggest piece of **** tramp in the place, especially. He humiliated me. To this day he will not admit that he did it and lies and says he doesn't remember. He says he understands how I feel and tries to do EVERYTHING to make up for it. I have kept the peace because I love my kids and don't want them to live in a hostile environment. I am hurt in so many ways. I could never bring closure because he never told the truth. He chose to let me think I was seeing things. I hate where I live and when we go on vacation, we go to warmer climates. When he is there my anxiety goes through the roof. Actually that happens at home to. I hate him as much as I love him. But, I feel better about myself when he is not around. He tells me how good I look and I say whatever. Because everything he says ends up being connected to him wanting to have sex. Back before the wedding, we had sex all of the time. So he can't use lack of sex as an excuse. Even now, there are times that we do as well. But I just take these depressive dives and I know that it is attributed to him and his behaviors. It used to be that he would fondle me even when I was sleeping. I had to wake up and start screaming. A couple times, in regular conversation, the subject of men vs women would come up and he would say, that's just men. That's the way men are. God made them that way. I recently said, **** that. When GOD made men, he said be fruitful and multiply. It was before contraception! I'd like to see how much of a sex drive men have if they had a baby every time they had sex and were held responsible for that child. I am so sick of todays mentality. He says he loves me and only wants me and loves the life we have. But when we do have sex he tries to talk to me about how many lesbians I am with and wants me to talk about it while we are having sex. When I said that makes me sick he changed it to how many ****s can you take? We were away one time and I could see him staring at women with his sunglasses on. And this last vacation, we had a lot of driving and we drove by several strip clubs and he could not help but check them all out. Even one we passed and he broke his neck looking in the rearview. So I have been just slowly shutting down. And whenever any subject comes up I feel like I am going to throw up because I am afraid of where it is going to lead. I am not getting in to all the incidences. If that is the person he wants to be, that's ok. I don't want him to not live the way that he wants to live. But, I don't want it. Yet, I don't want to ruin my kids by getting a divorce. He is an extremely hard worker. And a great father. With the exception of this because I think you are supposed to have to keep your partner happy. WITHIN REASON. Maybe some think this type of stuff is within reason. But it has eaten away at my sole. I am empty except for my anxiety. He never gave me the option to forgive because he pretended it didn't happen. He is in a catch 22. If he admits it now, then he is a lier and admits that he chose to have a cheap thrill at my expense. If he doesn't admit it, he doesn't get caught in a lie but it eats at my sole. I think he is doing whatever he can to make me happy so that he will not have to take responsibility for it. But, that is not allowing him to fulfill his desires. So staying with me is a trap for him. He can't live the way he wants with a decent woman(me) and live with his kids. AND THE BIGGEST QUESTION OF ALL, WHAT HAS HE DONE THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?

[rcoreyus]

You've been married 18 years. Has he always been like this?
His behavior at the party seem strange. Reaching into her clevage in public?
You mention that "before the wedding we had sex all the time". But that was 18 years ago!
He fondles you in your sleep? (without your permission that is). Talks to you about your non-existant lesbian lovers?

It sounds like an awful lot of bad things are going on. I don't even have a suggestion here.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You've been married 18 years. Has he always been like this?
His behavior at the party seem strange. Reaching into her clevage in public?
You mention that "before the wedding we had sex all the time". But that was 18 years ago!
He fondles you in your sleep? (without your permission that is). Talks to you about your non-existant lesbian lovers?

It sounds like an awful lot of bad things are going on. I don't even have a suggestion here.

2ND THAT!!!!!

[Chachee]

Always Stressing Out When My Husband Is Around

No, I wasn't referring to sex 18 years ago. I was saying that he was not deprived of sex before this incident. I guess I am trying to understand why this would happen. I just think the worse part is saying he doesn't remember. I think he made a huge mistake and has been trying to make up for it ever since. But, it is a thorn in my side. Like I said, I think if people have desires, I am not holding them back. But, I am not living with it either. So I find myself in a resentful situation. But, it is all on me.....I don't fight about it in front of my kids.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

No, I wasn't referring to sex 18 years ago. I was saying that he was not deprived of sex before this incident. I guess I am trying to understand why this would happen. I just think the worse part is saying he doesn't remember. I think he made a huge mistake and has been trying to make up for it ever since. But, it is a thorn in my side. Like I said, I think if people have desires, I am not holding them back. But, I am not living with it either. So I find myself in a resentful situation. But, it is all on me.....I don't fight about it in front of my kids.

Ok, it's just hard to comprehend the lesbian bit and then the d.... bit, unless he has a lot of fantasys in there he wants to get out.

Your married. Unfortunately, you have to have strong sexual relations, so can't go on about drive and kids and ...... If you want a strong marriage you've got to give lots and get lots, sorry, or else don't be married.

3 Years is a long time ago. He may have been drunk, he may truly not remember and frankly, even if he does, he won't admit it. So, you either let it go and forget about it or again... move on.

Neither of you are happy at the end of the day...

Still don't understand that lesbian bit or d...........bit????

Never mind, good luck either way.

[Chachee]

Who talks about threesomes?

I am new to this forum. It's seems, though, that the little bit that I have read, there are serious extremes in peoples relationships. So there has got to be other women who's husbands/boyfriends talk about threesomes...My hasn't wanted to act on it. At least he hasn't admitted it. But wanted in the past to talk about it. So, it pretty much freaks me out. I don't enjoy it! So it ****es me off because it is not all about him. AM I BEING UNCREATIVE? AND then I am turned off so he sabotages the encounter.

[little-lessons]

Gosh what to say?

People talk about all sorts of things but if someone has a real desire to try something, I guess it's up to the partner to join in or not.

Just because your partner wants certain things doesn't mean you have to be ok with it.

I am a newly married and I am a strong believe in honesty. You take a vow to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want it to be a happy one and if you aren't - you really need to look at what those things are and whether there are solutions to it.

Maybe you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel.

From a professional point of you, I see my clients (children) who pick up on the smallest things between their parents. If you and your husband aren't happy, they will pick up on this, believe me.

You have to weigh up to see what's best for you and your children.

Maybe seek professional help to help you work through the problems in your own head first to figure out what the underlining issues are. Would that be an option?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am new to this forum. It's seems, though, that the little bit that I have read, there are serious extremes in peoples relationships. So there has got to be other women who's husbands/boyfriends talk about threesomes...My hasn't wanted to act on it. At least he hasn't admitted it. But wanted in the past to talk about it. So, it pretty much freaks me out. I don't enjoy it! So it ****es me off because it is not all about him. AM I BEING UNCREATIVE? AND then I am turned off so he sabotages the encounter.

\
His desires from the look of it are based on: Ponrography, Sexual acts with more than a couple, desire of another man with you wathing, and if it ...........you off, then you are not the right partner for his desires.

He wants a women who has a sinister nature, likes dominatrics, sex with anyone, everyone......

Your call from here.

[FedUp7777]

I know what you are going through. I was in the same position a year ago. I knew nothing of the fantasies h had going on in his head. When he exposed them he talked me into fullfilling some. For some people this can work I guess but when there is a controlling abusive partner, then end results are shame, irreversible hurt, and now we are divorcing. My last straw was h wanted a gangbang - I refused of course! What normal, sane, level headed loving husband wants their wife to be tied up, blindfolded and gang raped by half dozed men? Then he expects her to enjoy and hop on him for more. I was just researching this morning and realize he has some sexual addiction going. I found gobs and gobs of porn he had been using. He insisted we watch porn together and I had to enjoy it. I went along because I knew if I didn't he would go get it somewhere. Well, it backfired and now I will never let myself get hurt like that again and he will never have me again. Funny thing is he cannot understand what damage it did to me. He says it was all in good fun and what he needed to make him happy with no concern for me. When I said no more, he was upset and said I was destoying his sex life. He even insisted I was being abusive by with holding sex. Imagine that...

[C]

I know what you are going through. I was in the same position a year ago. I knew nothing of the fantasies h had going on in his head. When he exposed them he talked me into fullfilling some. For some people this can work I guess but when there is a controlling abusive partner, then end results are shame, irreversible hurt, and now we are divorcing. My last straw was h wanted a gangbang - I refused of course! What normal, sane, level headed loving husband wants their wife to be tied up, blindfolded and gang raped by half dozed men? Then he expects her to enjoy and hop on him for more. I was just researching this morning and realize he has some sexual addiction going. I found gobs and gobs of porn he had been using. He insisted we watch porn together and I had to enjoy it. I went along because I knew if I didn't he would go get it somewhere. Well, it backfired and now I will never let myself get hurt like that again and he will never have me again. Funny thing is he cannot understand what damage it did to me. He says it was all in good fun and what he needed to make him happy with no concern for me. When I said no more, he was upset and said I was destoying his sex life. He even insisted I was being abusive by with holding sex. Imagine that...

You know Fedup7777....Your and other women's post on sexual and physical abuse has pushed me more into the women's liberation movement than I have ever been in my life. Just seeing Silda Spitzer and her pain tore me apart...Now reading your words and the pride I feel in being just a small part of your life trying to help you brings a smile to my face...A woman should NEVER have to be forced or talked into doing the things that you had to do with your husband...You have no choice as a wife...What do you do? How can you stand up for yourself? Is this part of marriage? Women do not know and men will take advantage of them over and over....Then as you are, they look at themselves and wonder, why did I do that....And the sad answer is that you just did not know...You were an innocent victim of a troubled sexual man that tortured you with his unhealthy urges.

Honey, keep your head up and keep going the direction that you are going now...You sound so strong...I have thought about you a lot in the last few weeks and I am just so happy to hear you are back on your feet and starting to again smell the roses....Take care and I send you my love, Caroline