[Stuck-in-a-rut]

I was married, young. Had 2 children and then divorced. Worked myself thru school, supporting 2 kids alone. I earned a degree and met someone. We married, and for seven years we have been through a lot. Somewhere I lost my independance, or should I say my "right" to be independant and lost myself. I want out, but now we have a three year old and I don't want to go back to being a single mom again. Staying for the child is wrong, as it shows him what a marriage should NOT be like (sleeping in seperate rooms, barely talking etc). Basically we are room mates, but he gets upset anytime I try to better myself-the latest, I bought a cheap treadmill in order to lose the weight I have gained since my last child.
He NEVER smiles, has a fmaily history of depression, complains about my 2 kids from my first marriage, and argues over anything I want to do, buy, way I feel kids should be raised, or anthing at all.
We are just too far apart to ever get back where we were happy and agreed on things.
I just needed to join this forum to have some objective views, and support. I have no ffiends here. We moved here almost 7 years ago and "am not given" a day to join a club, group, etc. I work and take care of kids. He is out of town a lot, so it's almost like being single again anyway.
I guess if I can use this forum as a sounding board, with advice from others who read this, it may be helpful to get my self esteem back up and courage to do what I know should be done, I think.
Any words, advice, encouragement, or words that are against what I think I should do are welcome....
Thanks!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I was married, young. Had 2 children and then divorced. Worked myself thru school, supporting 2 kids alone. I earned a degree and met someone. We married, and for seven years we have been through a lot. Somewhere I lost my independance, or should I say my "right" to be independant and lost myself. I want out, but now we have a three year old and I don't want to go back to being a single mom again. Staying for the child is wrong, as it shows him what a marriage should NOT be like (sleeping in seperate rooms, barely talking etc). Basically we are room mates, but he gets upset anytime I try to better myself-the latest, I bought a cheap treadmill in order to lose the weight I have gained since my last child.
He NEVER smiles, has a fmaily history of depression, complains about my 2 kids from my first marriage, and argues over anything I want to do, buy, way I feel kids should be raised, or anthing at all.
We are just too far apart to ever get back where we were happy and agreed on things.
I just needed to join this forum to have some objective views, and support. I have no ffiends here. We moved here almost 7 years ago and "am not given" a day to join a club, group, etc. I work and take care of kids. He is out of town a lot, so it's almost like being single again anyway.
I guess if I can use this forum as a sounding board, with advice from others who read this, it may be helpful to get my self esteem back up and courage to do what I know should be done, I think.
Any words, advice, encouragement, or words that are against what I think I should do are welcome....
Thanks!

Hi Stuck- in -a -Rut.

Pull the strength "that inner strength" that you obviously have and had the first time.

Unfortunately, sounds as if not only due to work and raising 3 children, with time, you can't even join a gym, to meet people and gain friends and that there is no family there to support you with those children.

Can you move back close to your family? So, there is a bit of "me time" to get to know yourself again? Can you locate a similuar job back there?

If he is away a lot, then you will be able to move quietly when you are ready.

I also slept seperately for 12 months, felt it was friends only, and the control was not where i could go or what i could do or buy but pertained to "his house" and where i could and couldn't go within that house, let alone how i cleaned the stainless steel, or didn't put the exhaust fan on when cooking, car lived on the road, whilst his lived behind a garage all of that type of thing, so i feel for you there.

He also came from a abusive childhood, and i have learn't to get to know a person really know them before entering into another relationship this time round because you "can't change a person" and when it esculates, well it manifests.

Also, i lost a bit of self esteme as well, identity and didn't know if i could afford to move, where to, how, but in the end, when it gets to this stage you just find the dutch courage and DO!

The question you need to ask yourself or tell yourself, is You and your family are the most important people on this earth. Surely, if you are also questioned on how you raise your two children from your first marriage then they would hear, or feel that from him, so they don't need that either.

Be strong, take yourself back to the first time and investigate on what you can do if you weren't there, perhaps talk to your family, you'd be suprised at what they offer and the support you get, assuming you get along with them.

It's a very hard move to make but a fantastic feeling once done if you feel like this.

CW

[Stuck-in-a-rut]

thanks for the reply

I know it's not "good" to know there are others out there who have had or are living the same life, if you can call it a life, but it helps to know there are others out there who understand.

Sometimes, I can't help but to wonder if it's me, first marriage failed, similar feelings of being the one who does it all, but can't get any me time or have an outside interest, but the men are two different men. Of course I know women and men are different, but it hurts to know that I screwed up twice. And my kids suffer for it.

I have threatened to leave, he improves for a week, and it's back to the same old.

I told him if he doesn't seek help for his depression and control issues, I will leave, but he can't see the depression as real.

I guess I could go back home, but the bills will be my one factor that hinders me. I don't make as uch as him and of course, we live beyond what we can truly afford. Most of the credit cards are n my name. Most jobs back in W NY where I am originally from don't pay as well and cost of living is high. Family can't help in that area and if they could, probably wouldn't. At one time, my family hid from me real estate they had, when I was going thru 1st divorce and had no place to live w/ 2 kids.

Anyway, there so much more, but I hate it when it sounds like I am whinning or making excuses. I do need to just work toward paying off those dangerous credit cards and stash away some cash to get out of here or move back to NY.

Thanks so much for your post. It really has helped me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I know it's not "good" to know there are others out there who have had or are living the same life, if you can call it a life, but it helps to know there are others out there who understand.

Sometimes, I can't help but to wonder if it's me, first marriage failed, similar feelings of being the one who does it all, but can't get any me time or have an outside interest, but the men are two different men. Of course I know women and men are different, but it hurts to know that I screwed up twice. And my kids suffer for it.

I have threatened to leave, he improves for a week, and it's back to the same old.

I told him if he doesn't seek help for his depression and control issues, I will leave, but he can't see the depression as real.

I guess I could go back home, but the bills will be my one factor that hinders me. I don't make as uch as him and of course, we live beyond what we can truly afford. Most of the credit cards are n my name. Most jobs back in W NY where I am originally from don't pay as well and cost of living is high. Family can't help in that area and if they could, probably wouldn't. At one time, my family hid from me real estate they had, when I was going thru 1st divorce and had no place to live w/ 2 kids.

Anyway, there so much more, but I hate it when it sounds like I am whinning or making excuses. I do need to just work toward paying off those dangerous credit cards and stash away some cash to get out of here or move back to NY.

Thanks so much for your post. It really has helped me.

You know the old saying, "Rome wasn't built in a day"... I also thought perhaps it was me, only married once, but long lasting relationships, a fiance that i walked from as well. I was asked once when i said " but he didn't love me", - "didn't he?" - "Have you ever truly been in love"...

Basically, i learnt from that, that i didn't actually love myself, i just through myself into work, liked who i was, what i looked like but didn't love myself. I certainly gave love but not in the way that holds compromise and hard work, although the controlling and abuse of this relationship, as i suspect yours, was certainly one that you don't hang around in anyway.

But, point being that from there, i did learn to love myself, life, all that's in it, i have a man that i am communicating with and he has opened so many doors that i never thought of really, pertaining to relationships.

So, i did learn that i did not have that wealth of knowledge before hand and therefore, fell into the same type of relationships, that being, just believing in love as the word and that was it.

So, i guess that's a key factor that i now know.

Keep on his back, so he's not controlling you, stand tall and take time to i guess find the way in which you can survive on your own. I am so sorry that your family do not support or would not support you that makes it really hard.

If you make it clear anyway that you will not put up with things, then you keep on that old bike you bought, keep putting away money, buy less expensive food items and each $ you save, pay of the credit cards, feed him cheaper meals ( sorry have to laugh at life to) it will add up quickly.

I don't know what else to suggest. But, i don't live in America and there may be others here that have had simular problems financially and have found support groups or places that assist with finance when single and children are involved.

Sometimes, just to get it of your chest really helps, so keep posing the questions i guess that's a start, support is as Caroline said once, at the end of this computer.

Take care for now.

CW

[rcoreyus]

I am very sorry for your situation. I don't have any suggestions for the overall problem, but maybe you can work on some of the smaller ones.

Exercise doesn't require any equipment - especially with children (how old are they?). Can you go for walks, play with them in the park?

Are they old enough to go the the library, museum, something? Maybe you can learn new things with them.

You need to have friends - and children are a great excuse for meeting people.

If he won't let you have friends - that is a different and much more serious problem - a sign of real abuse and you should leave if at all physically possible.

It isn't too late to start over if you need to. There are lots of really nice people out there - you've just been unlucky in finding 2 loosers.