[chaya]

Some background: I'm bisexual, I live with my husband and my girlfriend. My husband knows this and says he's ok with it. Since it has been working for a year or so, I guess he is.

As far as I know he never masturbates, until recently. I was raped 2 months ago and have not been very attentive to hubby's sexual needs. I suspected he has been masturbating but said nothing because he deserves his privacy. Saturday I walked in on him masturbating on our bed with my laptop AND a nude picture of my girlfriend. Kumiko had taken the pictures of both of us nude when we were acting silly one night. I had kept these pictures in a folder under my underwear. I was surprised by this and asked him why he had taken only Kumiko's picture when there was pictures of both of us. He had no answer and I am really hurt that he would fantasize over her and not me. Admittedly, she is better looking than me and not skinny like me, she has an almost perfect body But, I am his wife and he is supposed to want me over all others. In my opinion, he was cheating.

Was he cheating?

[jns]

Using images of someone else other than the spouse when masturbating is cheating? That question has been debated here and other places many times with no consensus.

As for him using Kumiko's photo instead of your, it is probably because Kumiko is still a mystery even with a nude photo. That adds excitement and will probably make him more aroused. Him not knowing probably means that he has never explored what gets him aroused.

You may be able to make him more aroused by you again by making more suggestive photos of yourself. You don't have to be fully nude, just show enough skin in a suggestive pose.

Has your relationship with Kumiko resumed to it's former version? If it is, your husband may be feeling left out. Are you still highly repulsed by penetration?

[Ashlee T.]

Blurred lines. It seems like anyone in your husbands position would be highly tempted and aroused by the situation in general. Perhaps if he fantasizes, this keeps him from feeling so left out. Perhaps he should want you above all others..........but isn't it a bit unfair to expect that of him when you're not expecting it of yourself? I mean, think about it. You're living with your husband AND your girlfriend who you openly admit having relations with (unless I've misunderstood). You get your cake and eat it too (literally and figuratively) but he's not allowed to even fantasize without scrutiny?

Fantasy is not reality. You are reality. He has slept with you many many times, he's seen you naked, he knows what it feels like and he already knows he likes it. He can imagine what she looks and feels like in, not knowing. Fantasy vs. reality. People enjoy escaping reality sometimes.

[atskitty2]

I don't think it's cheating.

I do think it's possibly indicating an interest in or at least an attraction to Kumiko.
He could've used Porn, but chose someone he has access to, which is a different thing to me than Porn, but not cheating.
If it is a violation to you, then discuss it further with him. What it means to you, & how it hurt you, is the only thing that really matters here.

[atskitty2]

Update Chaya?
How are you?

[chaya]

Things are pretty much getting back to normal (for us) in the sex department. Everyone has their fantasies, even me, and I shouldn't have come down so hard on my husband. What happened to me was hard on everyone, maybe harder on him than me.

I've been looking for another job. Not just because of the rape but because taking care of old, sometimes very ill people is so depressing for me. Some days I leave there feeling so good because good things happened, but the majority of the time I feel depressed because things didn't go so well. Since I've worked there 7 people died, some of which considered my friend. We don't take terminally ill patients but some long time residents become terminal..

[Motorguy]

I must say Chaya, I can understand your feeling and your husbands as well. I must agree looking at nude photo or videos is one thing and it's not cheating. Acting on them with another women is. But you're not able yet to be intimate with husband he's needing a release now not when you're ready to have sex again. But a lot of this can be handle by communicating with husband on how you feel about this topic. But for you to have someone on the side as your husband doesn't that's really not fair in my book.

[chaya]

I must say Chaya, I can understand your feeling and your husbands as well. I must agree looking at nude photo or videos is one thing and it's not cheating. Acting on them with another women is. But you're not able yet to be intimate with husband he's needing a release now not when you're ready to have sex again. But a lot of this can be handle by communicating with husband on how you feel about this topic. But for you to have someone on the side as your husband doesn't that's really not fair in my book.

Our sex life had gotten pretty much back to normal, for us, over a week before I found him masturbating and we had sex the night before. That's why I was upset for a while, I've gotten over that. The three of us are the best of friends, of course he only has sex with me. If Kumiko ever wanted to, I don't know how I would feel about her having sex with my husband. I don't think I will ever have to cross that bridge.

[time2discover]

Just an opinion, but it could have been his way of expressing a form of jealousy. Communication the best way to go.
Hope things keep getting better!

[Guest]

Marriage is hard work, every relationship is different but to have a successful marriage communication is the key, effective communication can repair a damaged marriage.

Any kind of intimate relationship (including marriage) needs to be nourished and protected with love, mutual respect and intimacy. You can achieve this easily if you know how to communicate with your spouse properly.