Strip Club?

[hhefner3711]

My husband and I have been married for 4 years.
We had been to a strip club together a few times and I liked it. Sometimes when my husband wanted to go I would not feel good and tell him to go without me. Stipulation of that being absolutely no touching. He would agree.
The last time we went together a lady offered us a lap dance. We declined. When she left I asked him if he had gotten a lap dance while we've been together. He said he had on two different occasions.
Obviously I got upset. We've worked through it and he agreed no more strip clubs. Lately he has been mentioning that we go together again. While I enjoyed it before I'm afraid it's ruined for me due to the problems.
Should I agree to go again since I liked it and he is not asking to go alone? I don't want to punish him forever for being honest with me and telling me about the lap dances. It honestly wasn't the lap dances that upset me. It was the fact that he told me there would be no touching and there was.
Help, please!!

[jns]

I would think that going to a strip club separately or together would be off limits in most relationships. What did you think a trip to a strip club would add to your relationship? I am not trying to put you down, rather trying to get a better understanding. Such reasoning may include getting both of you extra excited for what was after the show.

[Ashlee T.]

Would hubs be cool going somewhere with you to watch naked men swing their junk around in your face? Just curious.

We have eyes. We are all going to look at things that are attractive. But to me, taking your SO to a strip club is like dangling a carrot in front of a horses face over and over and expecting them not to eat it. Eventually, the horse will either eat it (i.e. get lap dances, begin touching the strippers, sparking up relationships with them, etc) or he will lose interest in it. In my opinion, if he's not losing interest in it, he's getting more out of it than just tossing money at naked women.

I have a real issue with the thought of my guy getting all cleaned up, going out to a strip club and giving his money and attention to other women. I am the one deserving of that money and attention. I am also deserving of more loyalty and respect than that, in my opinion.

The fact that you were open to the idea, supported him in it, and then he STILL was untruthful with you about what he was actually doing when you weren't around is a major red flag. The fact that it caused disruption in your marriage due to the lies, and he's STILL bringing up going is also a major red flag.

[atskitty2]

It seems to me that going again would potentially just end in more issues, eventually. Is there any way to achieve the same for you both as a strip club? What was it about a strip club that you both enjoyed?

Would porn achieve the same thing for you both?

If you're up for it, try giving him his own strip show at home. There are great videos online to learn from.

[hhefner3711]

Thank you all for the replies!
I enjoyed going to the strip club for various reasons. It's fun to do something out of the ordinary. The women are very nice and the atmosphere is relaxed. I can't deny that seeing beautiful women isn't appealing as well.
I know how this is going to sound and I hate that I'm untrusting but I am. I always have been, think it's engrained in my DNA. Lol. I have mainly been thinking about going back with him because I feel like if we go together then maybe he won't go by himself. Besides the strip club incident he has never done anything to make me not trust him. I have full access to his phone (I don't look at it, but could if I wanted to.) Have never caught him in a lie. We're both very open and honest with each other. I just want him to be happy in our marriage. If seeing naked women helps achieve that, I'm okay with it because I enjoy it as well. We watch porn together as well, it's just not the same for either of us.
Not sure if this is the proper way to look at it but I look at it like the old saying, "Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is.The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost."

BeautifulDisaster, I agree with you to an extent. But I feel like if I told him not to bring it up anymore, he would still be thinking about it. I would much rather him talk about it to me than hide his thoughts about things such as that.

[Ashlee T.]

I don't disagree with you. "It takes all kinds" so to speak. What would or would not work for me may not be nearly the same as what works or doesn't work for you. In my relationship, I have to have a lot of trust because we live in different areas and aren't together during the week. I don't have my grasp tightly on him or him on me, he plays music and is often out very late while I'm at home in bed with the chickens due to early morning work hours. But, we each have boundaries and try to be respectful of those. I too try to steer away from the "You're not allowed to______" list that I find so stifling in a relationship. But, there ARE boundaries.

I think if you truly have no problem with the strip club situation, then agreeing to only go together seems like the best option. You're not wrong for being untrusting when you've been lied to. You all set boundaries and he rode right over them. Maybe if you all agree to only go to strip clubs together, as a couple, then that will satisfy his desire to go and will help to recreate the respect of boundaries and trust.

[amy40]

I have mainly been thinking about going back with him because I feel like if we go together then maybe he won't go by himself.

strip clubs sexually objectify women and it can become addictive behavior and the more your husband gives in to that, the more he will want

your reason for going is a reason of mistrust so not so sure that is a good reason

if I were you, I would keep the sexual fantasies between the two of you and avoid strip clubs especially with such a young marriage
just food for thought

[amy40]

or you could do other fun things together like taking dance classes or go dancing if you already know couples dancing,
hiking, biking, or other physical activities that will bond you together, or do volunteer work together, take a cooking class together, there are so many positive activities out there that you probably haven't done yet that will have an uplifting impact

from your quote "respect and freedom for the other person"
goes both ways, respecting you as a women, free to know you are the light in his eyes

[Ashlee T.]

from your quote "respect and freedom for the other person"
goes both ways, respecting you as a women, free to know you are the light in his eyes

Yes....this.

[atskitty2]

I have enjoyed going to strip clubs on occasion, tho' it never was a regular thing, nor for a specific purpose as yours seems to be, as a couple.

What bothers me here I guess, is this sort of need he has to go there. I don't know the details of your relationship, but that seems to be teetering on the unhealthy side.
Add to that, the fact that he broke the agreement you had, and it seems like there's something more going on here.

What's your relationship like otherwise?

[Motorguy]

Well HHefner, I can only say this life style is probably not for you or husband. The best is to stay away from the temptations of husband touching another stripper. Because if he go's alone again he will without a doubt touch another stripper again. I'm thinking going to strip clubs is not the right place for you both and find other things to do as a married couple sexually like watching porn together rather then visiting strip clubs.

[Saltnpepper]

That's a tough question, and I think only you can really make a good decision. It seems like the lap dances weren't a big deal for your husband, otherwise he probably wouldn't have told you about it. Now that he knows it hurt your feelings, maybe you could agree with your husband that you only go together, in the future. That might be a solution which works for both of you.

[macon]

Hi H,

I hate to hear of love wasted because of suspicion and misunderstanding. Seems like that's possible here. I've had some experience in this area that may be helpful for you.

I was in a marriage that, though we'd been together seven or eight years, had fundamental problems. However, sex was great: frequent and satisfying. We went to a strip club--her idea as I remember--and I enjoyed it quite a bit. She seemed to too. We talked with the women. She bought me a lap dance (her idea); I followed the rules and kept my hands to myself. We went home and had incredible sex. A couple years later, we went to a clothing-optional club that turned out to be a sex club. This was my idea, though I truly hadn't known about or even suspected the sex club part. But we went right to it in the sex area and were working up to to having sex with each other in public when a guy came in and sat to watch. My wife didn't like that and left. I stayed. People around me had sex; I watched. Then I went back and had sex with my wife. The mutuality wasn't there though; the sex wasn't as good as after the strip club. Years after this, for reasons unrelated to sex, I ended this marriage. It was clear by then that my wife had been crossing boundaries trying to keep me interested in her.

Just a couple years after I started the relationship I'm in now, we went to a sex club--her idea, out of the blue, and she set it up. We went twice. We had ground rules: Don't initiate; don't escalate; don 't copulate. First night, we fell in with a couple who clearly would like to have swapped. The woman took some liberties with my body, which I enjoyed, but no rules broken. Next night, we brought a bottle of champagne. We joined a group on the dance floor talking, having our drinks, and my partner and I having very public sex. Later, when people adjourned to the bedsroom, one of the women in that group made herself very available right in front of me. I told my partner I wanted to do something with this woman that wasn't intercourse. She whispered to me "don't initiate." I was startled: in the excitement, I had simply forgotten. I wasn't pushing her to let me break a limit, I had truly just forgotten. So I didn't do anything. People did some things to her, no rules broken, and we went home. We continued to have great sex for a few years (now a problem has arisen with this, but that is unrelated to the topic at hand) and now, eight years later, our relationship remains strong. No regrets or pressure from either of us.

In the first case, we'd been together a good long time, yet live sex entertainment was a bad idea. It started me down a road of desire that made worse other rifts growing between us. I never went to any club of any kind on my own, but the idea was there. I envisioned life without her. In the second case, we actually had sexual contact with others. I expressed desire to intensify that contact. But I respected her wishes and none of this had any effect on our relationship other than to make sex pretty hot for a while after.

Sex entertainment, by itself, involves risk but is neutral for relationships. Once you start a guy on live sex entertainment, he's going to want to continue, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you and focus his sexual desire on you. He likes the excitement, likes to feel the edge of transgression, but it sounds like he's done nothing toward actually having sex with another woman or developing a relationship apart from you. He can lose track of agreements about limits, but this may be a simple expression of being too excited, not evidence of movement away from you. You accepted him visiting strip clubs alone but told him you didn't want him to have lap dances. He wanted to and did it, so of course he didn't tell you. But when it came to it, he admitted it and, apparently, believes that (for himself, in the realm of his desire and intentions) he's done nothing to jeopardize your relationship. He was dishonest, but face it, you had a hand in it by beginning the pattern of live sex entertainment and permitting it to continue. Fact is, he hasn't had sex with another woman and doesn't appear to be asking for or planning to do that.

That's the past. Now, however, he seems to be applying pressure to resume an activity you no longer like. That's the only thing that looks worrisome to me. Somewhere there's a line between what's legitimate voicing of desire and what's pushing you too hard. Sex entertainment that involves real women is a category different from porn; it's a level up in excitement and risk. If you've decided you don't want that in your relationship, he can voice his feelings to a point, but he needs to respect your decision.

As a man who's had such experiences and seen how they play out in relationships, it's clear to me that the past stirs feelings, but what's now is what matters. Ultimately, what you've got a is small test of where his sexual and emotional focuses are. A heart to heart conversation, grounded in your clear expressions of love and respect, and driven by your legitimate concern about where he stands, seems appropriate to me. Being open about who you are NOW, what you want and need NOW, is essential. Now, now, now. We all do things that turn out to be mistakes of various kinds, and sexual mistakes are scary. But when those mistakes are small, those who love us need to forgive and move on with us. That means both of you. You made a tactical mistake; he made a doggy mistake. Show your love, ask for his love, and build your future.

Macon