[Motorguy]

Well HHefner, I can only say this life style is probably not for you or husband. The best is to stay away from the temptations of husband touching another stripper. Because if he go's alone again he will without a doubt touch another stripper again. I'm thinking going to strip clubs is not the right place for you both and find other things to do as a married couple sexually like watching porn together rather then visiting strip clubs.

[Saltnpepper]

That's a tough question, and I think only you can really make a good decision. It seems like the lap dances weren't a big deal for your husband, otherwise he probably wouldn't have told you about it. Now that he knows it hurt your feelings, maybe you could agree with your husband that you only go together, in the future. That might be a solution which works for both of you.

[macon]

Hi H,

I hate to hear of love wasted because of suspicion and misunderstanding. Seems like that's possible here. I've had some experience in this area that may be helpful for you.

I was in a marriage that, though we'd been together seven or eight years, had fundamental problems. However, sex was great: frequent and satisfying. We went to a strip club--her idea as I remember--and I enjoyed it quite a bit. She seemed to too. We talked with the women. She bought me a lap dance (her idea); I followed the rules and kept my hands to myself. We went home and had incredible sex. A couple years later, we went to a clothing-optional club that turned out to be a sex club. This was my idea, though I truly hadn't known about or even suspected the sex club part. But we went right to it in the sex area and were working up to to having sex with each other in public when a guy came in and sat to watch. My wife didn't like that and left. I stayed. People around me had sex; I watched. Then I went back and had sex with my wife. The mutuality wasn't there though; the sex wasn't as good as after the strip club. Years after this, for reasons unrelated to sex, I ended this marriage. It was clear by then that my wife had been crossing boundaries trying to keep me interested in her.

Just a couple years after I started the relationship I'm in now, we went to a sex club--her idea, out of the blue, and she set it up. We went twice. We had ground rules: Don't initiate; don't escalate; don 't copulate. First night, we fell in with a couple who clearly would like to have swapped. The woman took some liberties with my body, which I enjoyed, but no rules broken. Next night, we brought a bottle of champagne. We joined a group on the dance floor talking, having our drinks, and my partner and I having very public sex. Later, when people adjourned to the bedsroom, one of the women in that group made herself very available right in front of me. I told my partner I wanted to do something with this woman that wasn't intercourse. She whispered to me "don't initiate." I was startled: in the excitement, I had simply forgotten. I wasn't pushing her to let me break a limit, I had truly just forgotten. So I didn't do anything. People did some things to her, no rules broken, and we went home. We continued to have great sex for a few years (now a problem has arisen with this, but that is unrelated to the topic at hand) and now, eight years later, our relationship remains strong. No regrets or pressure from either of us.

In the first case, we'd been together a good long time, yet live sex entertainment was a bad idea. It started me down a road of desire that made worse other rifts growing between us. I never went to any club of any kind on my own, but the idea was there. I envisioned life without her. In the second case, we actually had sexual contact with others. I expressed desire to intensify that contact. But I respected her wishes and none of this had any effect on our relationship other than to make sex pretty hot for a while after.

Sex entertainment, by itself, involves risk but is neutral for relationships. Once you start a guy on live sex entertainment, he's going to want to continue, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you and focus his sexual desire on you. He likes the excitement, likes to feel the edge of transgression, but it sounds like he's done nothing toward actually having sex with another woman or developing a relationship apart from you. He can lose track of agreements about limits, but this may be a simple expression of being too excited, not evidence of movement away from you. You accepted him visiting strip clubs alone but told him you didn't want him to have lap dances. He wanted to and did it, so of course he didn't tell you. But when it came to it, he admitted it and, apparently, believes that (for himself, in the realm of his desire and intentions) he's done nothing to jeopardize your relationship. He was dishonest, but face it, you had a hand in it by beginning the pattern of live sex entertainment and permitting it to continue. Fact is, he hasn't had sex with another woman and doesn't appear to be asking for or planning to do that.

That's the past. Now, however, he seems to be applying pressure to resume an activity you no longer like. That's the only thing that looks worrisome to me. Somewhere there's a line between what's legitimate voicing of desire and what's pushing you too hard. Sex entertainment that involves real women is a category different from porn; it's a level up in excitement and risk. If you've decided you don't want that in your relationship, he can voice his feelings to a point, but he needs to respect your decision.

As a man who's had such experiences and seen how they play out in relationships, it's clear to me that the past stirs feelings, but what's now is what matters. Ultimately, what you've got a is small test of where his sexual and emotional focuses are. A heart to heart conversation, grounded in your clear expressions of love and respect, and driven by your legitimate concern about where he stands, seems appropriate to me. Being open about who you are NOW, what you want and need NOW, is essential. Now, now, now. We all do things that turn out to be mistakes of various kinds, and sexual mistakes are scary. But when those mistakes are small, those who love us need to forgive and move on with us. That means both of you. You made a tactical mistake; he made a doggy mistake. Show your love, ask for his love, and build your future.

Macon