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Engaged, but have feelings for another man

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  • Engaged, but have feelings for another man

    Ok, ladies. This is a bit of repost/edit. I feel so exhausted and full of shame, but here goes:
    I'm in my late 20s. I've been with a guy that is my age since college, and he asked me to marry him this summer. He treats me well, I love him, and we have a life together. He's more relaxed and less driven than I wish he was, sometimes. A few months ago, I then met a man at work. He has a doctorate, he is intelligent, fun, driven, mature, and interested in me. I tried to avoid seeing him, even changed jobs, but we kept in touch. We then spent some time together on a some informal dates and kissed. I told myself I was just trying to get to know this man better. But, we started seeing each other more often. We haven't had sex, but we have had a few close calls. He's been a charming gentleman, and is attentive to my needs. I felt guilty and conflicted about what to do with this man. I care very deeply for him. But, I do not think I have cold feet with my fiance/love, I just wanted to see what could have been. And now this new man is in love with me. It is almost the new year, and my feelings have changed. I still care about my new friend, but I am scared to hurt him. I think he cares more for me than I anticipated and I can't return his love anymore, even if I still do love him. I still want to improve my relationship with my fiance, and marry him in hopes he will mature to be more like my man friend. I am concerned that I am leading my new friend on, and maybe giving him false hope. I never wanted this to happen. I'm too exhausted to continue two relationships. I sometimes wish my man friend would just date someone else. I also feel selfish that I want it both ways. He's too good of a person to hurt, and in another life, I would marry my man-friend as he wants.

    I've looked at other public posts, and I know the advice is break off my engagement with my fiance when you fall for someone else. But it's not that easy. I appreciate that my man friend values my happiness, but I am not sure if I can think or decide by having my home finance and my man friend in my two separate lives. I am not sure I can keep myself from hurting my man friend any longer, and I may stop caring. But my fiance is clueless that anything is wrong--I really just want him to notice that he is not meeting my needs. Should I stay or go?

  • "just want him to notice that he is not meeting my needs"

    if you are looking for someone to make you happy, complete, whole, not bored etc
    none of those needs can be met by another person but only by yourself

    only you can tell if you have fallen out of love with your fiancé
    or if you are just enamored by the newness, attentiveness of this new person, the rush/ high that this super intelligent person is paying attention to you

    "in another life, I would marry my man friend"
    don't go down the road with regret, if you are truly this divided, you may need to seek counsel


    • Originally posted by ElliePhant View Post
      He's too good of a person to hurt
      this is confusing that the concern is about hurting a man you've know for a few months
      but don't hear the concern about hurting your fiancé, someone you've been with for years

      "my man friend values my happiness"
      how does a man seeing an engaged women value her happiness?
      isn't he in a way disrespecting you since you're engaged?


      • Ellie, per your post, you met the new man after you were engaged. By continuing to respond to him, he is now in love with you. Your choice is between what is comfortable and defined on one hand and what is new and exciting on the other hand. One or the other will be hurt, maybe both.

        You have to examine what you want in your life. It should have been done before, but it has to be done now. Also, you should find out if your new friend is also intent on marriage and other things you have talked to your fiancé about. There could be deal breakers that would make your decision easier. You already have some minor doubts about your fiancé that may have been the reasons for you to open up to another person. Maybe you'll find that neither one is what you want.

        Good luck.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


        • Well Ellie, my feeling is you need to be honest with yourself and stop this juggling of two men.You either married the man you're engage to marry or break it off and date the new guy friend. But you can't be with them both and I know you can see this is not right to do this to the man who asked you to married him and purchased a ring and you said yes. Do the right thing either call the engagement off or end it with this guy friend, before you regret it in the future.
          When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.


          • Hey Ellie! Welcome! I can feel the deep conflict and confusion in your words. I know that taking advice is never quite as easy as giving it, but that doesn't mean it's any less necessary.

            I think the others have pointed out some very important things for you to think about. Here are some of my thoughts upon reading your post:

            - I don't believe you are "in love" with your fiance. I believe he is a place of comfort and something known. The unknown is a bit scarier.
            - I don't believe you respect your fiance, as a man or as a partner. The things you say about your man friend are in contrast to what you say about your fiance. He is "intelligent, fun, driven, mature..." etc. You do not say these things about your fiance. I also believe the infidelity points to a lack of respect for your fiance. Putting yourself in his shoes, you cannot possibly think it is in HIS best interest to marry someone who has been carrying on an emotional and physical relationship with someone else behind his back. I will agree with amy that your concern seems to lie more with hurting your man friend than it does with the man you're planning to marry. It is important, critical even, to be with someone who you respect and admire.
            -Doing what is right for yourself and your fiance by ending the relationship, or at minimum delaying the wedding, does NOT mean you have to be with your man friend. You can cut ties with him too if you choose.
            -You have carried on a secret relationship now for all this time. You did not do that so your fiance would realize he's not meeting your needs. You did so because it is what you wanted. I believe that you feel that way now because you are losing or have lost interest in the man friend and now you're wanting to fall back on what is comfortable. But if you truly search your soul, I don't believe you will find yourself in love with your fiance. Don't ever marry someone in hopes that they will someday be someone different.
            -I don't think you're ready to get married and there is NOTHING wrong with that.
            "Be what you're looking for."


            • It's scary when I see a woman write something like she wants to "...marry him in hopes he will mature."
              No man has ever changed for the better unless he wanted to, and few do.
              If you think otherwise, you are only deceiving yourself, and you will surely regret what happens



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