[Melanie O]

Well, she came over for just one night with her husband because we were their final stop till the end of their road trip. They were in the process of moving and just came to say good byes and what not.
He has done this before. Probably a couple more times. Ironically it only happens with females around, but not every female. I just feel like he doesn't appreciate my presence. I mean he's an extrovert and i'm an introvert. I know its not his job to include me in every conversation when with a group of people, but it would be nice for him to not completely ignore me and not even make eye contact. I know people notice it. They probably think, "jes' poor thing,, her man don't even pay her any attention".

[amy40]

Melanie.....do you think it could be an extrovert/introvert thing
as I am an introvert and know when we've been at parties and I ask husband to stay with me but he inevitably disappears and it is scary to an introvert to be around more than one person sometimes
possibly you felt ignored by husband and he was doing what was expected when having company.....engaging with the company as you could have, also except it is more difficult for an introvert to do so
if you were able to engage and be an active part of conversation, you would not feel ignored by husband but instead appreciate the company for the short time they are there
and if you did, it would give you positive things to talk about after............

[Melanie O]

Hey Amy40, I'm sure that's part of the issue. Me being an introvert does not help the situation. Thankfully our relationship has improved, but in the back of my mind there's always a doubt. I feel like he is a good liar. Like I believe he's cheated on me, but I have no proof except for the signs a liar gives when you ask them a question (get mad, change conversation, etc).
I was looking through his searches on facebook. It's not something I usually do...), and I found a few females he searched. Local females from the town we live in! We have the same friends in this town. Who are these women and why did he look them up is what I would like to ask him. But, of course its going to start an argument and Im not looking forward to it...

[macon]

Hi Melanie. I have a longstanding female friend with whom I've never been romantic, though we used to be close. We live several states apart and haven't seen each other in many years. My partner is as rational and clear-minded a person as I've ever met, but she just doesn't like this. Based on my experience, I feel your jealousy is natural.

We can't help our feelings, but we can choose our behavior. So to an extent, I agree with atskitty. However I also agree with Beautiful. You are your husband's wife; she is his friend. Your feelings about the situation should weigh a lot in his judgment of how much space that relationship takes up in his life.

About your husband looking up women: that doesn't feel so good to me, but men fantasize in many ways. Looking up women could just be adding detail to his fantasies. Thinking about a woman who might actually have sex with him can be very exciting for a man and yet have no other significance, not indicate a desire or plan to actually do that.

What worries me most about all you've said is that your relationship seems to be wearing thin. None of the other stuff is disaster material, but when a man disses his wife in front of another woman, and a wife snoops in her husband's private stuff, that's a good ways down a bad path.

Confronting your husband with his private information that you stole will go nowhere good. He's already lost some amount of the respect he owes you; don't give him reason to shed more of that. If you must confront, it should be about the state of your relationship and what you want. Think through beforehand what's most important to you. After you've said your piece, listen and respond with compassion to any frustration and pain he reveals. Stick to your guns on what matters most to you, but show your love in how you listen and respond.

[Melanie O]

I can't bring up the conversation again about what happened that day and how I felt because it's been brought up twice and all I get back is that I wasn't participating in the conversation and he is not going to not give her attention just necause I don't like her. Thankfully she lives in Fl and we are in the midwest. I'm slowly getting over that incident.
I think you're right, Macon,, I'm not going to bring out the snooping part to him because it really doesn't proof that he cheated on me with either of those women. It is irritating though. I mean I've looked up old guy friends, but not random men from the town I live in. It just gives me the idea to keep alert because I might have a liar for a spouse.
Relationships can be soo hard at times. I wish I could trust him completely.

[Stillness]

I'm dealing with a similar situation that came to my attention around the time you started this thread. Apparently it's been going on for years, but I had no clue. I'm having a really difficult time processing it and don't really know who to talk to about it.

In my case I'm the husband, though. A friend that I thought was mine and my wife’s has been doing what my wife calls “flirting.” I had no clue. When she was in the country recently my wife started treating me oddly and saying weird stuff for days. I didn't understand what was happening.

It's really hard because for over a decade I've had a view of the relationship the three of us have that's not real. I love this lady deeply and I thought she and my wife felt the same way about each other. I couldn't even really say goodbye well because her behavior and my wife’s jealousy is like a cloud over everything.

I'm probably going to have to speak to my wife soon. I've been holding in a lot of anger over the way she treated my like I was guilty when I was completely ignorant and innocent. Our friend won't be back until next year, so I'll probably have to wait until then to talk to her. Unfortunately, things will probably be awkward between us for life.

[Melanie O]

Stillness,, Maybe if we put our feet in our partners shoes, we could understand them more.. don't you think? Do you give your wife affection and attention without it being forced, both in public and in private or in front of this friend?
I feel like it doesnt stop. We had a disagreement last night and he decided to sleep in the couch. This morning I'm having breakfast with the kids and he goes walking in the house and talking with someone upstairs. Five minutes later I go upstairs and it just so happens he was jacking off. Like five to ten minutes after talking to guess who, yeap she called him this morning to talk about her ex (my spouses brother) arguing with her dad, etc. And of course we already were arguing the day prior. It was a coincidence that she called for that reason, but did he have to jack off so bad after talking to her? I mean, is it really urgent for guys to have to jack off in the morning?

[Stillness]

Melanie O men’s testosterone levels are highest in the morning.

And my wife has every right to be jealous. She told me what this lady was doing and I had a difficult time seeing it. So, we did what turned out to be an experiment to make it more difficult for her to do and she did it anyway. It crushed me. I never even told my wife.

So, the problem is not her jealousy. It's the way she treated me like I was guilty. She didn't complain about affection or attention. She did say that I spoke disrespectfully to her when we were alone. But I disagreed. I didn't do anything differently than I always do. After a day of going back and forth the jealousy thing came out. She admitted that it was the real reason she got mad at me.

I do feel like it goes deeper and that it does have to do with attention. That's where my end of the conversation is going to come in when it happens. It's part of the reason I'm so bitter about this. I'm the one not getting the attention I want, though. That’s why I think other women giving it to me is so hard.

[jns]

I mean, is it really urgent for guys to have to jack off in the morning?

A lot of young guys do jack off every morning if they are not getting sex. It's a tension release.

I went through the posts and had some questions, You said that you have been married 5 years this month. You also said your husband is 26. That means you married him when he was 21 or 22. You also said that you are a cougar. How much older than him are you? It sounds like you have hit the maturity stage and he is still in the carefree youth stage, From what I have seen among friends and acquaintances, marriage where one or both partners are younger than their late 20s is often a recipe for divorce.

This woman that you dislike lives in Florida and your family lives in the Midwest. She is your husband's friend from high school. Why let her have so much power in your marriage? Freeze her out by never mentioning her and not getting angry over her. Tell your husband that she is never invited in your house again and let it go at that. If he wishes to bring her there, leave and take the kids with you. Let it be known in couples therapy that this is the way it is going to be and it is not negotiable.

[Melanie O]

I believe I'm the one not getting the attention I deserve in our relationship. We need to go out on dates way more often though. That's where the real test will come on how strong our relationship really is.
I'm 34 and he will be 27 this month. We met in the service where I remember two of his closest friends giving me red flags. "...chasing around women like a pitbull with a rocket" and "he's not the right kinda guy for you...". And there is where the root of my mistrust begins...