[abby35]

My husband and I have been trying conceive and our fertility doctor specialist said we should consider egg donation or adoption. I have been discussing this with my husband and he would prefer egg donation as since the child would still be biologically linked to him. I would just prefer adoption. I don't know why. Maybe its subsconscious. The baby would be linked to him and some random woman and I would not be linked to the baby biologically. at least with adoption we would be both not linked. I know, it's weird but that's how I am feeling.

My husband and I still have an appointment set for next week about looking through their egg donation database etc. I'll still take a look at this egg donor agency as well as another egg donor agency he had suggested but maybe I should also have a serious chat with him about me leaning more towards adoption.

[rcoreyus]

I have a few comments, since my wife and I were in a somewhat similar situation.

First - I'd strongly recommend acting as foster parents for 6 months or so. This will let you find out what life is like with a child in the house, and how you really feel about raising a child who is not biologically yours. I've complained before about some of the problems with the foster care system - but as a foster parent you are doing a good deed - however corrupt the overall system is.

Next - be very careful about the whole infertility / adoption business. There are many companies (read hospitals, adoption agencies, etc) who take advantage of desperate and miserable couples. There is a tendency to trust medical orgaizations, and in this case that trust is often badly abused. These are for-profit companies, and they can take you for a tremendous amount of money, while not actually providing anything in return. When you talk to them, think Salesman, not Doctor, or Social Worker, and you will be better protected. (ok tirade over).

Having a child (adopted or not) is of course a tremendous committment. If you and your husband have disagreements on it (eg adopt vs. egg donation), please work them out completely first. The very last thing you want is to have a child that one of you feels isn't really theirs.

FWIW: My wife and I took in a foster child for a while. For me at least, she was my child - the lack of biological connection meant nothing.

[LadyLane]

I was wondering if your eggs are not viable, but you're able to become pregnant? Because you mentioned that you wouldn't feel biologically connected to the child that resulted from a strange woman's egg and your husband's sperm. But, just thinking aloud on the keyboard here, if you take that fertilized egg and carry that baby inside you, that baby is part of YOU. You sustain that baby, your blood and your body literally give that baby life. An egg is just an egg without a place to thrive. It instantly becomes yours.

My husband and I are young and we can't conceive anymore. We have one daughter, and I desperately don't want her to be an only child. My husband and I each have one sibling and they are literally extensions of us; we can't imagine life without our sisters, and here is my lovely daughter, asking all types of questions about "families" and siblings and wondering and questioning why she has none. It is much harder than I anticipated, as I always thought I had time to have more children, and then my option was taken away.

I would actually love to foster or adopt a toddler (to be closer in age to our daughter). I think some men find difficulty seeing an adopted child as "theirs" - funny how the biological need is so strong in some of them. I'm sure the process is long - lots of interviews and Family Services visiting and counseling and a big adjustment period for everyone. And always, always, the fear of having the mother come back and say she's changed her mind in those first few months, after you've memorized the shape of their tiny toes and become mezmorized by the smell of their beautiful hair, their glorious little laughter... I know of a couple who is dealing with that right now and it is a nightmare for them. It seems a very intimidating process.

Do all the research you can, but I think my view of it is this: if you and your husband can share the intimate experience of pregnancy and having that baby live inside you, you should go for it. My other view is this: when you truly want a family, you take it no matter how it comes.

Good luck and I'd love to hear your thoughts.