Does my wife have a girlfriend?

[Ray7angel]

We been happily married for15 years , 4 wonderful kids. I’m 49 yo . Athletic build nice living paid for house . My wife beautiful 36yo. Perfect in every way .Last year my wife started suffering depression. Other that work I’ve been here for her. Constantly telling her how wonderful and beautiful she is. This older lady friend of the family, (single 55 yo) started coming around to help her with depression, about a year now. I have to beg for sex . She doesn’t look at me when I’m naked. Or says put that thing away , she only does it with her eyes closed, no noise. She goes walking about every day with this lady hiking in the woods goes shopping for long days . And I’ve seen this lady checking her out. Wife tells me that would never happen when I ask her. But we don’t seem to be as close as we once were

[atskitty2]

It's possible, but so are other scenarios.

There is a lot of important info not in your post, so I have some questions that may help us give the best advice.

Do you have any idea what caused the depression? Has she been diagnosed by a professional and is she seeing a professional regularly (therapist)? Is she on medication?

[Ray7angel]

We lost a daughter 14 years ago doc seem to think that’s the depression and yes on doctor , therapist, and medicine

[Claret]

My opinion is that she probably isn't having an affair with this other lady. But as a depressed individual she is seeking out someone that will allow her the quiet time, the solitude and the non-judgemental shoulder she needs right now. Depression is insidious. You can look perfectly normal, act perfectly normal, live life and yet me miserable inside. You may not be able to put words to how you feel, may not want to discuss your feelings especially with those closest to you.

I'd encourage those walks, they probably allow her to sort through her thoughts. I'd allow her the friendship but never stop being there for her. Intimacy may have to wait a bit until she gets sorted out. She may need a change in medications, she may need something else to stimulate her mind, a book club, going back to school, artistic endeavours. Have her try them all.

Most of all - for you - I wish you patience and the courage to not dote on her too much, for this may just fuel her feelings of being down.

[atskitty2]

I'm very sorry to hear that.

Did the doctor explain the sexual side effects of the medication she's on? Antidepressants and antianxiety drugs have some serious effects on sexual function.

Have you gone to any of the therapy sessions?
Has your wife explained in great detail what she's feeling and thinking? Do you know how it's affected her feelings toward you? "It" being the loss and now her depression.
How much have you two discussed and worked through the loss and grief together, and what kinds of discussions have you had regarding her mental health?

It may be that a close woman friend is where she's finding the understanding and comfort that she needs. It could be something more, but based on what you've shared, I don't think there's any reason to believe that.

14 years is a long time to be carrying the loss of a child and depression to have set in just a year ago. She has likely not worked through all these things all these years, and I just wonder what else in life has suffered because of it. Has she had other bouts of depression or issues through the years?

So, I don't mean to pry. You don't have to answer my questions if you prefer. At least they may help you to think through what's going on with her. This is such a complex problem to offer good feedback without many details.

[Ray7angel]

I have gone with her to therapy . Her mom is also a wicked person. Her sister died in a car accident 3 months before our daughter . Her mom said too bad it wasn’t you , she was the good one. After our daughter died, she said you got what you deserved, she still has her around. I can’t answer the either

[atskitty2]

Well, it certainly seems as if there's a lot going on for her. The weight of all that must be too much at times.

Was she showing signs of depression prior to a year ago, and was just then diagnosed?

[amy40]

Ray
welcome to the forum!
hope your wife can sort through things in therapy and with her friend
and that you two can become closer again

[Ray7angel]

There really was no signs of depression before year ago but when it hit it was so hard that she would pass plum out from the anxiety

[atskitty2]

Oh my. That's not good.

How had she managed her thoughts and feelings all those years? Had she just pushed them down and never processed the grief, or did something else happen to bring this to the forefront?

[Ray7angel]

Really not sure I am but I’m gonna say it has something to do with 10 1/2 months after my vasectomy we had another daughter

[Ray7angel]

I guess something I also left out was after our third daughter was born 11 months later my son and his wife got into drugs the state took their child away and my wife and I ended up raising him for about five years they finally got their stuff together and we sent him back in November to live with him

[atskitty2]

This is a LOT of pretty major stuff that she managed for many years without the onset of depression. Has she had a full diagnostic work-up to be sure there's nothing physical going on as well, influencing the mental health decline? Just a thought. She is at an age where hormonal shifts could greatly affect her moods and chemistry in her body. Have other changes been ruled out?
In my experience, that's not something the docs may look at without pushing them a bit. Often they don't take a whole-person approach to treatment, and rather focus on the body system within their training. Something else to think about.

[Ray7angel]

Yeah we’ve had her to the emergency room several times and they continue to look for things a lot about $40,000 worth and no insurance and it always comes back to depression with anxiety

[Ray7angel]

My grandson was born 16 days before my third daughter so at 11 months old we got him and when they were three the fourth daughter cane so it’s like having twins and then another one so I guess that could be pretty stressful also