So I've been with my man partner for going on 3 years and we regularly cycle through these withdraw/pursuit patterns that are frankly exhausting to me, as the anxious pursuer. I am trying VERY hard to respect his need for space and to not panic every time he withdraws a bit due to stress or whatever. In the past, if he was stressed out, he would simply ignore my calls/texts or WORSE pick up the phone and hang up on me...if I pushed too hard he'd go right into "well maybe i'm not the right guy for you" nonsense. Then a week later he'd act like nothing ever happened and I am the crazy one for being hurt by his rude behavior to me when I had literally done nothing to him. Over time, he has learned to just tell me he's stressed and needs some alone time and I really do try to respect it. So, in general, YAY PROGRESS.
HOWEVER, this pattern is still very emotionally taxing for me. I've been reading all that Mars/Venus stuff about how men need to retreat to their man caves and how a Good Woman simply hangs out with her girlfriends and does her nails a million times and Tries Not to Take It Personally. But like...really? I would like to have a rational conversation with him that goes something like this.
ME: I notice you seem a little stressed. Everything ok?
HIM: I'm just stressed out.
ME: Sorry you are under stress, please let me know if you'd like to talk about it.
HIM: Cool, thanks, I will.
ME: Do you need some alone time?
HIM: Yeah. I love you I just need time to myself.
ME: Ok. I'm here for you, love you, bye.
HIM: Thanks, Love you, bye.
But what I routinely get is:
ME: I notice you seem a little stressed. Everything ok?
HIM: I'm just stressed out.
ME: Sorry you are under stress, please let me know if you'd like to talk about it.
HIM: Why would you ask me that.
ME: Sorry what?
HIM: If you can tell I'm stressed why would you ask me to talk about it.
ME: I'm just trying to be supportive...
HIM: hangs up.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!
So I say my little Good Woman mantra "it's not about you it's not about you it's not about you" but my heart is screaming WHAT THE ACTUAL ************ is this?? And then i'm left with thinking alright he's in his cave, he'll come out when he wants to....but it's VERY hard for me to resist texting him/calling him whatever. Especially since we have talked every day for 3 years EXCEPT when we are having an actual fight. I know talking to him when he's grumpy is not productive, and although my post sounds kind of sarcastic and angry, I really do love this guy and I really want to support him when he's stressed....all I want to do is cook him a big meal and give him a back massage and just do all that lovely girlfriend stuff. But it's hard to get over my own annoyance at how he's treating me to ride out his stress and be pleasant and receptive when he bounces back.
So my question for the group is...how do you deal with the withdraw/pursue cycle (I hear it is relatively common) without loosing your mind and resorting to black/white thinking (every time he's rude to me there is a part of my brain that tells me "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE JUMP SHIP", but I realize that may be a personal problem related to my anxiety and try to keep that part of my brain locked down).
Right...back to the question. How do you cope with withdraw/pursue?
THAAAAANKS.
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