[CHANDLERS WISH]

Everyone to their own remember.

Sorry that you felt you had to write a whole post on justifiying yourself as to why you checked.

Out of everyone here, Anon is the one that "gets the gripes" the most over it personally and that's okay to for us whom know each other.....

I again am sorry, i know your sad.

Perhaps Anon's right that this is a side he has within him but can't or hasn't been able to tell you.

But that's your call if you want someone to be in your life whom holds secrets even if they think their bad.

I don't believe he is keeping it from you due to the situation, as he cheated on you when dating and kept that from you which seems to keep going under the carpet and sex comes into it as the reason, or understanding.

He was fibbing from day one, now your at day two and he's still fibbing.

And you deserve better.

CW

[moonshadow48]

I agree with you

I agree with you 100%. It may be wrong as people with "open" relationships claim, or people that have something to hide themselves claim, however thank God you found out before you walked down the isle!
Really, I took my vows very seriously when I got married and it seems to me that alot of men think those vows only appply to them if they are happy with everything. Obviously you already know that he would be lying when he said them.
However, I do also believe you have complete control over what happens in your life. Go with what you feel and you will know what to do.
I have been married for 20 years and just found something out that my husband has done. Up until this time he had never given me a reason to second guess our relationship. So what i am saying is if you are just about to enter into that bond and you already have doubts maybe it should wait until you are sure.

[jeanjane]

Sorry to hear you're going thru a bad time Moonshadow. I don't know what it is that happened with you but I can hear in your note that you're hurting. A good friend of mine who was married for over 20 years just found out her husband has been cheating on her for years. He travelled for business and had numerous affairs meeting women in bars and in online chat rooms. She suspected it for the last year but only had proof after going on his computer. She is doing what she can to try to hold their marriage together. She said what you did.. that she thought things were good. I'm not sure if thats what's happening with you but one of the best things to do is get with people that are supportive of you and those that are going through what you are. It really helps.

[acadialost]

a few words

I want to add to a previous post:
1. "It sounds rather like he isn't satisfied with his current sex life, and he's half looking for ways to find variation, or to try and find a fulfillment he isn't getting. When you aren't in a good place, sexually, your thoughts take you down a path of perversion."
Cheating often has absolutely nothing to do with your sex life with your partner. Also, the word "perversion" is one I personally think is a bit negative when discussing sexual curiousity. I don't think that you really believe there is anything wrong with homo-erotic fantasy, but to me perversion always implies that there is something inherently wrong with the act...a perversion of nature. However, I know that is probably just my connotation.
2. "Women are so lucky that they are the "bottom" and it's so tiresome being the "top", the man in charge."
Tops and bottoms are not determined by gender, but by sexual preference. Although I am a woman, I have tended to be the "giver" or the "top" in my relationships...your sexual type has very little to do with where you lie in the missionary position.
3. "People were just sexual, there really wasnt bisexual or homosexual or heterosexual. This obviously means that a lot of men therefore have thoughts that they are unwilling to entertain, and causes them to repress something deep in themselves all their lives."
I really like this; people should just be sexual. It has everything to do with the soul and very little to do with the genetalia of a person.
4."I'd say, personally, that this mostly stems from a crappy sex life."
I think that is a very unfair statement. To say that people cheat or experiment because their partner "is crappy" is only going to create complexes for people that in no way deserve them. You can be the greatest lover in the world but if your partner is too shy/insecure/unwilling to share their desires with you, what can you do? You can still have an excellent sex life without fulfilling a person's every desire, if that person won't open up and tell you what they want. Don't feel that your partner seeking outside stimulation is because you aren't good in bed, or that your sex life isn't a good as you might feel it is. A lack of communication creates this problem, not a lack of sexual prowess.

[jayjay]

Good evening, this is my first post. The topic jumped out at me. This is why. My next door
neighbors were one of these 'All American' couples. And they had lots of friends just like
them. And they had all sorts of events and every Friday night was 'boys' night out. And
the wives would play majjong or whatever they did.

My nephew, D. who is gay, came to visit with me for a few months, and being Gay he had his own circle of friends and his hours were not 9 to 5 as he had a night job while
he attended night school, so the hours that my neighbors would be awake and in and
out, he was sleeping, and to be honest, he didn't mingle much with anyone here as firstly
he didn't want to go through any 'dramas' and also didn't want me to be questioned.

Anyway, one day he happened to see the neighbors in their back yard with their friends
having a Bar-B-Q, and told me that he knows those men, they frequent a particular club
he does and are always trying to hook up and tried to hook up with him but he wasn't
interested in them.

Well, you could imagine my shock. Here he was, keeping himself 'hidden' afraid that the
neighbors would give him a hard time, when the same neighbors were going to a gay club and acting very promiscuious.

Well, I was invited over for their 4th of July and of course, took my nephew, and if you
ever wanted to see 'shock and awe', can you imagine the expressions on my 'All American' Neighbor's face.

Well, D., who had been hiding all these weeks said in his most effeminate voice, (he doesn't talk like that regularly,) 'Oh hi Danny! Oh Bobby, you look so nice in that yellow,
it is your color! and Chucky darling! I didn't see you!"

Well, if I had a camera!

Anyway, he had another engagement, so left and I got to see the 'excitement' when
the wives were wondering how and where their husbands would have met D.

I suppose this is not really the topic, but as you can see, it is on point!

[Uneeklyme]

Does it matter if he is getting with another woman or a man... I mean, hes sneaking around and possibly already had sex with someone else other than his fiance' he has cheated period. Crappy sex life, curiosity, boredom, whatever... he still lied and has cheated or is attempting to cheat. Heartbreaking to find out something like this about someone your in love with but the trust is broken. He isnt going to change even if he is given another chance. He will just get better at sneaking and lying. Good enough reason in my book to get out. I do think OP should talk to him about it but until he figures out what he wants and where he's going... he should just be single and OP should be free to move on with her life.

[jayjay]

Uneeklyme has a much better post. The key feature is the cheating and lying.
As my nephew is gay he's given me a lot of insights into certain things which I thought
I would share.

He said that the 'down low' is not really new, many homosexuals, (lesbians and gays)
often get married to a person of the opposite sex to 'prove' they aren't gay. In some
cases, when the person is honest, the relationship can work, when they lie and trick,
the relationship is doomed.

My neighbor's for instance, (he's been thrown out) are an example of tricking and cheating
and lying, and all the bad stuff. The husband never told the wife he was interested in men
sexually, so it took her by surprise. (She's drunk a pound of my coffee in her daily visits
and I'm trying to counsel her, as much as a next door neighbor can).

She feels as if she married a stranger and that their whole life was a lie.

It is bad enough when you find out your fiance has another girlfriend, but when you find out
your fiance has a totally unexpected sexual proclivity, it makes her feel that she was
part of some fraud.

In any relationship, family or friend, honesty is a prerequisite.

[CJNS]

I Know And Understand Exactly How You Feel, Because My Ex-fiance' (the Minister), Enjoyed Viewing "chicks With D--ks" And He Asked Me "if Opportunity Presented Itself, Would I Like To Bring Another Couple Into Our Intimate Life".........i Felt Hurt And Played

[C]

I watched a "Lock Up" the other night on cable...It was from Statesville Prison in Joliet, Illinois..In it an inmate talked about the Downlow and how prominent this is in our society...He said so many men are in it that it is a joke..Big business men and men you would never in your life suspect were doing it...I believe this is true and like Anon, believe that maybe there is a bit of bi-sexuality in each one of us.. I have asked my husband if there was anything that he needs or wants sexually..I would gladly do a strap on if this was his want...I believe a woman must be broadminded to make a good marriage...He was insulted but he satisfies me so much that I wanted to do what I could for him...

The Downlow is here and lives with us just as women love other women...This is also kept behind closed door...It is part of the human nature and born within us....I am the happiest woman in the world but if someone else isn't like this and they need something more they will search until they find it....We cannot change who they are anymore than we can change who we are...Acceptance is the name of the game...

Just my thoughts...