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Need to discuss something my partner did in the past that still bothers me!

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  • Need to discuss something my partner did in the past that still bothers me!

    Hi Everyone!

    I have been struggling with something that my partner did before we were officially together. It is a bit complicated!

    We have been together now for almost 3 years but we have known each other for almost 6 years. Before we were together we were just friends but we wanted to be more. While we were just friends, I was made to leave for a year as to not be a part of his life. In that year it was a very hard time for both of us. We had very little contact with with each other and I was just counting down the miserable minutes and he was in a very bad state in his life without me. After that year was up we started having communication with one another immediately. I was waiting for him and he had not gotten into a relationship with anyone else so it seemed he was waiting for me as well. Very soon we started dating. We got into a conversation about the people we had been with in the past. I said my list and he said his... then he paused, he looked hurt and he closed his eyes and sighed. I pulled back immediately and asked him what was wrong. He told me with him eyes still closed he was trying to figure out if he should be completely honest with me and share something with me. He did... that year that we were apart he told me about the wedding he went to that year. He told me that on the way back he stopped at a club to get a drink. He said that he had paid for a lap dance and received one after a stripper came up to him and persuaded him to get one. Out of loneliness. like I said he was in a bad state... he went to work and came home and stayed to himself. He was lonely and hurt not to be with me. I immediately felt hurt inside.. I asked him a whole bunch of questions and he had said that it did not go well and that he did not enjoy it, that it made him feel even more lonely and hurt and alone and awkward. I have said that I am okay with it reasoning to myself that we were not together and it's not like he was cheating on me with a lap dance.. which is true. It is all rational..but.. I still have moments where I think about it and I get hurt. I have brought it up with him time and time again when I feel this way when I am remembered that it hurts me and he talks with me about it.. he doesn't get mad at me he doesn't refuse to talk with me about ever.. the countless times I have brought it up.. he feels so bad that I feel so hurt by it and it hurts him. But I can't seem to get past it. It seems to have escalated every time that I had thought about it .. I have spent countless hours researching what its like to get a lap dance watching videos of some, trying to understand the bizarre culture around it that I know nothing about. He has tried to tell me what it was like but I felt like I needed more. I even considered going to a strip club with him and seeing for myself what one could be like, I know they aren't all the same but just to be present in that kind of environment. I keep thinking about it imagining some women rubbing against him touching him reaching down his pants touching his penis... while he is just sitting there.. I know that it didn't mean anything significant to either of them.. that it was just her doing her job.. and I keep trying to tell myself to get over it.. I have thought about talking to a therapist about it.. but this has become my next step.. Maybe someone out there would like to talk about it.. so I went searching for forums.. Thank you to anyone who spent the time out of their lives to read this!

  • I don't think going to a strip club will provide any answers to you.

    In the year you could not be a part of his life, were there any commitments or promises between the two of you? If there were not, he had no obligation to stay loyal to you. If he had no obligations, it was not cheating.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • Well, why does this bother you so much? What is it that is eating away at you really?
      Have you really thought deeply about that? I think it's about more than the details of what happens during a lap dance...you could simply ask him for all the nitty gritty deets, if it was truly about what he had experienced that night.
      Are there trust issues between you? Are there sexual and intimacy issues in your relationship that you feel some sort of jealousy?

      Do you have a religious or moral objection to these activities?
      What is both your ages?

      Curious also the reason for the 1 yr forced separation?

      Bottom line here for me is that you seem to have a difference of values. He doesn't share your ideals on sexual behavior and the like. You seem to believe this is unacceptable behavior, he doesn't.

      I would like more information to give more feedback. Just seems a lot of things could be happening.
      I believe that you won't be able to move on until you really understand what's bothering you and why. This was long enough ago, that your emotions shouldn't be so raw. So, I think there's just a lot more going on here.


      • It was in the past. You weren't together as a couple. Take it as information, let it go, and move on. I think we place too much emphasis on what was in our past, and if we dwell on it, it could very well ruin a great future. Honesty was key, now move on.
        That which we forget may as well never really happened.


        • I second atskitty2's post.



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