[Ashlee T.]

Hey there Worried Man Blues - I'm glad you've joined us.

So, let's talk about you for a second.

1. What are the things you love about this woman?
2. What would you miss about her if she was gone?
2. What kind of things does she do that make YOU feel good?
3. Do you feel loved, respected by her?
4. How is your sex life with her?

[Worried Man Blues]

Ashlee T.
In answer to your questions
1 I personally think that why you love someone is undefinable it's just an impulse when you find the right person. In the past I've dated women who have been fun to be around, intelligent, caring, beautiful with a great sex life. Still I didn't fall in love with any of them. Sometimes that initial infatuation felt a bit like love but it always wore off for me whereas with my current girlfriend even after all these years It just feels amazing to be around her. I can get overwhelmed just by looking at a photo of her. It's a feeling I never thought existed outside of movies.

2 There would be a massive hole if she was gone that nothing else could fill. I love going out and experiencing life with her but also to just be sat in the same room as her when we're both doing different things makes me feel complete. I would miss being able to love someone like this and the feeling of love only she can give me.

3 On the occasions that she is in a place to show me love and affection, which admittedly isn't very often now a days, she can reach out and touch my hand and it really does fill me with joy. When she compliments me it's the only time it matters, anyone elses compliments I can take or leave. When she tells me she loves me it's so perfect. On these days she can be caring and kind. No one has made me feel this way before using the same words and the same actions.

4. On her good days I do feel love and respected by her on her bad days, to be totally honest, she makes me feel inconsequential and that at any moment she could end this without a second thought. That my problems and me are just a stress to her. My words of admiration or love mean nothing to her and yet a slight compliment from anyone else makes her so happy. As I've said on her good days nothings ever come close to the love I feel from her.

5 Our sex life has been non existent over the last 5 months and for a few months before that was just occasional. I admit in similar circumstances in the past I have cheated in these situations but that's something I could never do to her. In the last 5 months I've been propositioned by a few women a couple of which know my relationship status, if not al the details, who have offered me a casual fling. When this has happened I've always firmly but politely refused but inside I'm quite angry that they could be that disrespectful to my partner. When we were having sex it was like nothing before, It wasn't because we were having marathon crazy sessions just that it's never felt like this with anyone else. She can turn me on with the smallest of kisses, by touching my face or even just by looking at me in a certain way. If I could have as much sex as I wanted with someone else or sex once a year with her there would be no contest.


She gives me everything I want in life every now and then and then takes it all away for weeks on end and I go through so much pain just waiting for a good day or hour to come round.I have no choice as no one or nothing else has ever made me feel the way she can make me feel. If I lose that, and I'm not trying to be dramatic, there's nothing else worth living for. That's the struggle I'm going through at the moment that if I can't make the girl I love happy what does that say of me and I don't think I could cope with the pain of losing her , even more I don't want to be around to feel that pain and am struggling with some very dark thoughts, like I've said before I'm really not looking for sympathy this is just how it is.

[Ashlee T.]

Ashlee T.
In answer to your questions
1 I personally think that why you love someone is undefinable it's just an impulse when you find the right person. In the past I've dated women who have been fun to be around, intelligent, caring, beautiful with a great sex life. Still I didn't fall in love with any of them. Sometimes that initial infatuation felt a bit like love but it always wore off for me whereas with my current girlfriend even after all these years It just feels amazing to be around her. I can get overwhelmed just by looking at a photo of her. It's a feeling I never thought existed outside of movies.

1. Isn't it strange how one person can do XYZ and it means nothing and when someone else does the same XYZ it seems like the best thing ever? So, I totally get how YOU feel about her. I think it's very apparent you are a very loving person and love her deeply. I'm still digging, though for the things about her you love the most. If someone were to ask me this about my significant other, I'd say it's because he has such a tender heart and every time I see him tear up during a movie I love him more. Because he invests himself into the things I love and loves them along with me...and when I hear him having a (one-sided, of course) conversation with my dog when he doesn't know I'm listening, I adore him even more deeply. Because he is good as gold to everyone he meets. Because he treats my mom like family. Because things with him come easy. Because he's my absolute best friend - we laugh together DAILY and act like total idiots together.

See where I'm going with this?

Ashlee T.
2 There would be a massive hole if she was gone that nothing else could fill. I love going out and experiencing life with her but also to just be sat in the same room as her when we're both doing different things makes me feel complete. I would miss being able to love someone like this and the feeling of love only she can give me.

She must be an exceptional lady!

Ashlee T.

3 On the occasions that she is in a place to show me love and affection, which admittedly isn't very often now a days, she can reach out and touch my hand and it really does fill me with joy. When she compliments me it's the only time it matters, anyone elses compliments I can take or leave. When she tells me she loves me it's so perfect. On these days she can be caring and kind. No one has made me feel this way before using the same words and the same actions.

If this is never to be any different than it is now, is what you've described above enough for you, for the long haul?

Ashlee T.

4. On her good days I do feel love and respected by her on her bad days, to be totally honest, she makes me feel inconsequential and that at any moment she could end this without a second thought. That my problems and me are just a stress to her. My words of admiration or love mean nothing to her and yet a slight compliment from anyone else makes her so happy. As I've said on her good days nothings ever come close to the love I feel from her.

It sounds like such a rollercoaster for you....and for her too. I'm very sorry you're going through this. I can tell how much you love this woman.

Ashlee T.

5 Our sex life has been non existent over the last 5 months and for a few months before that was just occasional. I admit in similar circumstances in the past I have cheated in these situations but that's something I could never do to her. In the last 5 months I've been propositioned by a few women a couple of which know my relationship status, if not al the details, who have offered me a casual fling. When this has happened I've always firmly but politely refused but inside I'm quite angry that they could be that disrespectful to my partner. When we were having sex it was like nothing before, It wasn't because we were having marathon crazy sessions just that it's never felt like this with anyone else. She can turn me on with the smallest of kisses, by touching my face or even just by looking at me in a certain way. If I could have as much sex as I wanted with someone else or sex once a year with her there would be no contest.

But I assume you are not okay with the lack of sex, or are you? It has to be taxing on you, especially emotionally. Is 5 months ago when she began menopause?

Ashlee T.
She gives me everything I want in life every now and then and then takes it all away for weeks on end and I go through so much pain just waiting for a good day or hour to come round.I have no choice as no one or nothing else has ever made me feel the way she can make me feel. If I lose that, and I'm not trying to be dramatic, there's nothing else worth living for. That's the struggle I'm going through at the moment that if I can't make the girl I love happy what does that say of me and I don't think I could cope with the pain of losing her , even more I don't want to be around to feel that pain and am struggling with some very dark thoughts, like I've said before I'm really not looking for sympathy this is just how it is.

Well, I know I'm just a stranger and WHI is new to you, but I hope that you will stick around here long enough to realize that there IS plenty worth living for. I promise you weren't put on this Earth for only one small purpose. Your task here is far greater and I can see it simply by chatting with you. You have love and light to offer people and there are so many people out there who need it. I will share with you that only 4 years ago, I lost my love to a drunk driver. He was everything to me and more. My present, my future, my dreams, etc. I spent a long time after he was killed absolutely gutted in such a way that I truly couldn't even fathom an ounce of happiness ever again. The world went from vibrant to grayscale. My soulmate was gone. It took me a couple years, but one day I met a guy..not on purpose..life just happened. And THIS guy has made me happier than I have ever felt with anyone in my entire life. I would've firmly told you 4 years ago that wasn't possible. But, I was wrong.

With all that said, back to you..... you keep talking about losing her. Are you thinking she's wanting to break up? If menopause is TRULY what is causing this (and it does sound like something hormone related because it comes and goes), she probably doesn't know what she wants from one day to the next. Has she sought any sort of medical help? I'm sure you've talked to her about this on her "good" days, but if you haven't, I think its imperative.

I encourage you to never tell her that if you don't have her you won't want to live anymore. No partner should have that kind of pressure on their shoulders. However, you should absolutely seek professional help if your dark thoughts start to become anything more than just thoughts.

I read this recently and thought I'd share,

"You are not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone else's movie. Consider this: nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us."

[jns]

To me this sounds like a passive/aggressive relationship. A passive/aggressive relationship does not have to be driven by one person trying to manipulate the other. It could be driven by hormones in this case.

[atskitty2]

I'm curious if she asked you to move closer 6 months ago?
Was this something that was discussed and agreed upon mutually?

[Worried Man Blues]

HI Beautiful Disaster, you asked
'If this is never to be any different than it is now, is what you've described above enough for you, for the long haul?'


If I knew that the bad times were definitely being caused by what she's going through then of course I would be there for the long haul, She could take all her frustrations out on me as often as she wanted if I knew it was the hormones talking and deep down she really loved me and wants to be with me. The problem being that I'm not 100% sure this is the case so I spend everyday worrying, when she texts or calls if fills me with anxiety as I'm scared of what she has to say. I feel like I'm living on a knife edge, the worries there from the moment I wake up. I find myself shaking if I haven't heard from her for a while especially if the last text/call wasnt a good one.
The same with the lack of sex, which did coincide with her finding out about the menopause, like most men if our partner is unwell physically or mentally and sex is off the table we will live with that even though It can be frustrating, I love her and find her so attractive so of course I would like to have as much sex as is possible with her! Like I said before I can cope with this if I know the reason behind it is anything but a rejection of me personally.
Thank you for sharing the story of what happened in your life and I'm so glad you've found happiness and love again.
I would never share my dark thoughts with my partner, that would be emotional blackmail which is not a trait I like in people, I would never share these thoughts with anyone who really knows me. I have been phoning helplines everyday for the last week but I'm honestly not in a good place most of the time, the thing that's stopping me is the letter to my parents, they're in their 80's and I do worry what effect it will have on them,I'm just trying to find the right words to explain to them. Again Not asking for sympathy! At this actual moment I'm far from wanting to act on my thoughts but I've seen where my mind can go over the last few months and it's scary once you're back out of that place and you realise what you could have done but when you're down in that place it feels like the only option.

In reply to atskitty2
The move was something we discussed and both thought it was a good idea as we wanted to see each other more often, when we were talking about it it just seemed like a stress free, next step decision. we both knew that me giving up my job and having to find new work wasn't ideal but I was ready to take that risk to move the relationship forward .

[atskitty2]

I think that you both would benefit from some high quality counseling, separately and together. There are very unhealthy things going on in the relationship, and individually, aside from the hormonal issues she's experiencing, if it is indeed hormonal.

A well trained counselor will be a great resource for you to help sort through all these issues. I suggest you start there. If you are having anything close to suicidal tendencies, you need in-person counseling and more intense treatment than we can provide you here. To even have that thought, in response to the possibility of losing someone, suggests that you have your own issues to work through.We are here for you, for additional support, but you need more specialized care, I believe.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I second atskitty2's post. I think if you're feeling suicidal, and your girlfriend is being aggressive, counselling would benefit you both. You obviously do love her and want the best for you both. There isn't any advice I can give you that will solve things, but there are people out there who CAN help you and save your relationship. It'll be hard, but I would talk to her about going for relationship counselling together. I'd advise counselling on your own, too. I know things are difficult but you're certainly not alone.

I do hope I've helped.

[Worried Man Blues]

After I last posted I read it back and realised that I was not in a good place. I made an appointment with my GP who told me what I think I already knew that over the last 6 months I've fallen into a bad depression due to my fears. She's started me on a course of medication and is arranging counselling for me. I'm not going to mention any of this to my partner yet as I want to make sure that this depression I've fallen into has not been colouring my judgement of the situation.I do feel that my mood may have been making things worse for my partner, though I have tried to always remain supportive and not tell of my fears and how down I've been I'm sure there's a big chance she would have picked up on it which couldn't have helped with what she's going through..
I feel more positive today but am still a little apprehensive for when the depression takes me to places where I seem to have no control and cannot apply logic to my thoughts. *Popcorn&Candy thank you. You have helped as have the others who have taken the time to read and comment and I appreciate it immensely . I will carry on updating about how things progress.

[jns]

You have taken a step in the right direction. Best wishes.