Husband seeking advice

[Husbandseekingadvice]

Hey! I need your advice. My wife is super stressed. I am lost in my role as a husband on how to help her.

The last 6 months have been absolutely brutal for her. It all started with this boss she had (she did contract work), he wasn’t very nice and his entire staff of woman have left since her contract ended.Her grandmother got sick suddenly and died, huge family drama circled around this. The fur babies got very sick but recovered, She started working 4 days a week permanently(prior she did contract work). She injured her knee and couldn’t work out for 6 weeks.
Her mother had a stroke(not life altering), and yesterday the ********** washer broke. So that’s a lot on anyone.

We use to talk in the kitchen while I made dinner. Now I tried to avoid it because she just talks about how stressed she is. It’s draining to me, she says the same thing for the last 3 months and starts crying. I try my best to listen instead of trying to fix the problem. But after 3 hours, I start getting mad bc it’s the same thing over and over. I don’t really yell and I never call names.i do the silent/stone wall thing. Which isn’t good.

I am a slob, I grew up in a messy house, I don’t notice mess/clutter.She on the other hand is the cleanest person I have ever meet.This is something that I must change. What advice do you have? What are things you wished your bf/husband did around the house? I am good at cleaning,I just don’t do it.

i rock the dad bod, she looks like a fitness model. I let myself go, I have gained 70 lbs since we started dating. She says it doesn’t matter, bbbbut let’s be honest. So when your bf/husband is over weight, how does that make you feel and how would you suggest a guy changes it?

Sex: we use to have rough sex for the last 4 years,4-7 times a week. I ve stopped making passes at her. She said the other day “you don’t hit on me anymore”. I know I am less affectionate towards her in general. 1: I think girls who are stressed and tired don’t want to have sex. 2: I am now at the weight, I don’t look good naked. What are your thoughts on this? Am I being selfish here? We have had sex 1 time in the last 3 months.

i love and adore my wife. To me she is my fantasy/dream girl come to life. What I don’t want to happen is this speculator relationship turn into a boring roommate situation. And no way in hell do I want this to turn into what I call “new mommy situation” (New Mommy? This is what I call relationships, where men relay on woman they date/married to do everything for them, they don’t make decisions, take control, feed their self,men that act like a child).

i am very serious about getting my relationship back on track. I am lost though on how to reduce some of the pressure on her.
The only place I could think to turn was to a network of woman.

So with all this being said. Girls, what do I need to do to become the husband she deserves and craves?

[jns]

First, I am a guy so I may not be the person you want advice from. Get fixed what you can fix. The dishwasher sounds like something you can take off of the plate. Go back to being a sounding board and try to be genuinely concerned. A lot of times a partner is looking for emotional support and not a fix. Something to help them put one foot forward again.

Although a lot of women want a model's body, I think that they are more forgiving about their partner's body. At least that has been my experience and observation. Do what you can to get your weight in control but do it mostly for your life and health. Go back to having sex more and especially more touching such as cuddling. Her thinking that you are no longer interested in her adds to her stress levels instead of causing them to decrease. This is something you can start right away.

[Ashlee T.]

Hey there.

I'm going to be very blunt and take it all with good intent and understanding that I am only hearing a limited piece of your life's story here so I don't claim to be the "know all".

-It sounds like you are taking the easy way out of almost every aspect of the relationship at this point, through avoidance.
**Quality time - you acknowledge that your wife has had a thousand things to be stressed about lately and that it is understandably overwhelming, but you are avoiding talk time with her because it is draining to you. Not having her best friend to lean on is stressing her even more.
**House cleaning - you are avoiding house cleaning duties - messy by nature or not, you've been married long enough (I assume) to know what housework is done. Your avoidance of doing it is not because you don't know what kinds of things to do, but because you don't want to do them. "I'm good at cleaning, I just don't do it." Not having this partnership in keeping the house is increasing her stress even more.
**Sex - "I've stopped making passes at her." Now, you're avoiding sex, too! This is only increasing her stress even more because now, in addition to everything else, she has to be concerned at why you're not interested in sex with her.

So.... I don't think you're necessarily selfish, I think you're just taking what you perceive to be the easy way out right now and unfortunately, it's going to be very damaging to your relationship if you don't correct it. So, how can you correct it?

**Quality time - Your role is not just a sounding board. That may be necessary at times, but sometimes, we need someone who loves us enough to shake (not literally, of course...lol) us back into reality. Talk with your wife about dialing back on the venting. Let her know that you ADORE her and always want her to feel she can vent to you but that at a certain point, it becomes incredibly unhealthy for her and you want to see her working to shift her focus on to more positive things. Talk about positive manifestation (or faith, or whatever you two believe in. You are her life partner, her confidante, her best friend.....it is perfectly okay for you to discuss this with her and agree that BOTH of you need to shift your focus onto more positive things. Find things you agree upon to do when the negativity starts. (exercise, dancing, deep breathing, shifting conversation to things that are totally positive, etc.) I bet if you cranked some upbeat music up and started dancing around the house she'd shake the negativity.

**House cleaning - Just do it. You know what needs to be done. It's a partnership and you're not pulling your weight in that regard. Make a list of things that need to be done weekly by either of you. Pick things and do them. And for god's sake, don't ask for praise because you did.

**Sex - Don't feel good about your weight gain? Do something about it. At least make the effort to. It can't be used as an excuse when it is something you're totally in control of. And in the meantime, until the wife starts rejecting your every advance, I would not deprive myself or my spouse of sexual intimacy because of the "maybe's". Perhaps some rough, passionate sex would do you both some good.

Sorry for the length. Hopefully, you will read. The good news? I can tell you want this to change and really...that's all it takes to ACT.

[atskitty2]

I agree with a lot of what Ashlee recommends.
I would say this regarding her venting sessions however: is she willing to see a counselor? I think it would be beneficial for her to learn to "vent" in a more healthy way, so that these 3 hour gripe sessions are productive and focused. She can learn to process through what is REALLY eating at her. She's grieving, she's stressed, and there are many ways to manage that. This, in turn, will alleviate that "drained" feeling that you are coming away with as well.

Is she complaining about your cleaning habits? Talk to her about what part of the work load she'd like you to take over. There may be things that she prefers to do her way. Discuss this with her and explain that you genuinely want to lighten the load for her as much as possible, in every way possible.

You say she looks like a fitness model, but is she really a fitness freak? If she exercises a lot, ask if you can join a few times a week. Clean up the diet and start thinking about your own health and well-being. Don't do it for her-this is the one part you should be doing for yourself.

As for the sex...I don't know why we sometimes think that removing that "pressure" from the relationship is helping to solve any stress or issues. Sex and intimacy is often the most stress-relieving time we can experience, if we're so inclined, and it sounds like you both are. That can bring the most bang for our buck, in the investment of time vs return. Depriving her of that closeness is going to do more damage than you can imagine.

This may be a good time to schedule a long weekend away. Escape together to do a little couple's reset and have some deep discussions about your concerns and come up with solutions together. Have some fun together, laugh and let the positive energies flow between you again. Sweep her off her feet and enjoy each other's bodies again.

And...please update us. We wanna know how you're doing!

[Husbandseekingadvice]

Hey there.

I'm going to be very blunt and take it all with good intent and understanding that I am only hearing a limited piece of your life's story here so I don't claim to be the "know all".

-It sounds like you are taking the easy way out of almost every aspect of the relationship at this point, through avoidance.
****Quality time - you acknowledge that your wife has had a thousand things to be stressed about lately and that it is understandably overwhelming, but you are avoiding talk time with her because it is draining to you. Not having her best friend to lean on is stressing her even more.
****House cleaning - you are avoiding house cleaning duties - messy by nature or not, you've been married long enough (I assume) to know what housework is done. Your avoidance of doing it is not because you don't know what kinds of things to do, but because you don't want to do them. "I'm good at cleaning, I just don't do it." Not having this partnership in keeping the house is increasing her stress even more.
****Sex - "I've stopped making passes at her." Now, you're avoiding sex, too! This is only increasing her stress even more because now, in addition to everything else, she has to be concerned at why you're not interested in sex with her.

So.... I don't think you're necessarily selfish, I think you're just taking what you perceive to be the easy way out right now and unfortunately, it's going to be very damaging to your relationship if you don't correct it. So, how can you correct it?

****Quality time - Your role is not just a sounding board. That may be necessary at times, but sometimes, we need someone who loves us enough to shake (not literally, of course...lol) us back into reality. Talk with your wife about dialing back on the venting. Let her know that you ADORE her and always want her to feel she can vent to you but that at a certain point, it becomes incredibly unhealthy for her and you want to see her working to shift her focus on to more positive things. Talk about positive manifestation (or faith, or whatever you two believe in. You are her life partner, her confidante, her best friend.....it is perfectly okay for you to discuss this with her and agree that BOTH of you need to shift your focus onto more positive things. Find things you agree upon to do when the negativity starts. (exercise, dancing, deep breathing, shifting conversation to things that are totally positive, etc.) I bet if you cranked some upbeat music up and started dancing around the house she'd shake the negativity.

****House cleaning - Just do it. You know what needs to be done. It's a partnership and you're not pulling your weight in that regard. Make a list of things that need to be done weekly by either of you. Pick things and do them. And for god's sake, don't ask for praise because you did.

****Sex - Don't feel good about your weight gain? Do something about it. At least make the effort to. It can't be used as an excuse when it is something you're totally in control of. And in the meantime, until the wife starts rejecting your every advance, I would not deprive myself or my spouse of sexual intimacy because of the "maybe's". Perhaps some rough, passionate sex would do you both some good.

Sorry for the length. Hopefully, you will read. The good news? I can tell you want this to change and really...that's all it takes to ACT.

Ashlee, I hope you are having a killer day! Thank you for your post!
i agree 100 with you. I think I have been avoiding the whole situation together. I never though of it that way, but it sounds like that is what I am doing.
Game plan:
Approach cleaning house as I did when I was a bartender. Always look for something to do and stay on top of it. Looking around and observing, I get why she says it’s messy. I really am totally oblivious to this stuff, so I need to make sure that I am constantly looking. Like I did at the bar.

Let her vent but when it goes to far try to shift the mood to something fun and positive. I have been to focused on how it makes me feel and not how it makes her feel or how she’s feeling. I think that is selfish and I don’t really like selfish people.

Sex and body image. I joined planet fitness and I have their personal trainer designing me a workout plan. I’ve bagged up all the junk food-minus the chips,I ate those- and threw it out. She doesn’t eat that garbage anyway. Also I ve taken classes at at a cooking school, I’ll just start making really tasty health food. I will start “dating” and flirting with her again. Again back to the theme of avoiding, if she’s not in the mood, I can tell. Absolutely do not want to make a big deal if she isn’t.

okay, I think that covers some of it and is a good starting point!!!

[Husbandseekingadvice]

I agree with a lot of what Ashlee recommends.
I would say this regarding her venting sessions however: is she willing to see a counselor? I think it would be beneficial for her to learn to "vent" in a more healthy way, so that these 3 hour gripe sessions are productive and focused. She can learn to process through what is REALLY eating at her. She's grieving, she's stressed, and there are many ways to manage that. This, in turn, will alleviate that "drained" feeling that you are coming away with as well.

Is she complaining about your cleaning habits? Talk to her about what part of the work load she'd like you to take over. There may be things that she prefers to do her way. Discuss this with her and explain that you genuinely want to lighten the load for her as much as possible, in every way possible.

You say she looks like a fitness model, but is she really a fitness freak? If she exercises a lot, ask if you can join a few times a week. Clean up the diet and start thinking about your own health and well-being. Don't do it for her-this is the one part you should be doing for yourself.

As for the sex...I don't know why we sometimes think that removing that "pressure" from the relationship is helping to solve any stress or issues. Sex and intimacy is often the most stress-relieving time we can experience, if we're so inclined, and it sounds like you both are. That can bring the most bang for our buck, in the investment of time vs return. Depriving her of that closeness is going to do more damage than you can imagine.

This may be a good time to schedule a long weekend away. Escape together to do a little couple's reset and have some deep discussions about your concerns and come up with solutions together. Have some fun together, laugh and let the positive energies flow between you again. Sweep her off her feet and enjoy each other's bodies again.

And...please update us. We wanna know how you're doing!

Hey ATSkitty, thanks for taking the time to reply! She is in therapy two days a week. I signed both of us up for planet fitness bc the couple that sweets together, stays together. I have my appointment with the staff trainer and I’ll invite her along.

Vacations: I am thinking Maldives, Tao expedition in Philippines or maybe a Caribbean cruise.i think that is a good idea!

As as far as my weight gain. Yes this one is for me, bc it’s ewww to feel eww about yourself!!!

[Ashlee T.]

Husbandseekingadvice - Awesome! It sounds like you've got a solid plan in place to fix all of this before it becomes unfixable. Kudos to you for being open, honest and willing to take constructive criticism.

With the venting, make the shift to positive purposeful. Don't try to be subtle about it. Like, literally go blast some fun music and start dancing totally uninhibited and try to get her to join you. When she resists, that's when you say, "I love you. I adore you. Parts of life are going to suck and be stressful at times. But there is ALWAYS good, we have good together, and I'm not willing to stand back as your husband and see you turn into a doom and gloom, unhappy person when I know how incredible you are. So....it's time for some fun and positivity. I want us BOTH to help each other focus on the good!" or ya know...something like that. Lol.

I'm pretty sure you'll rock all of this with ease.

[Popcorn&Candy]

You've already been given wonderful advice, so I can only second everyone's viewpoint.

You obviously love your wife a great deal: you just need to show it by listening more and doing some of the housework: even if you're not into it. You don't have to do all the cleaning, but could contribute a little.

Just listen to your wife when she talks to you and be attentive. As for other issues: seduce her, make her feel sexy. Show her how gorgeous she is: she'll be flattered and happy.

I hope I've helped. You've already got a good attitude to your marriage: you just need to show her by helping around the house [even though it's boring] and just being there for her.

[Stillness]

She says it doesn’t matter, bbbbut let’s be honest. So when your bf/husband is over weight, how does that make you feel and how would you suggest a guy changes it?

When she says it doesn't matter, she probably means that she loves you and wants you. I've lost the amount you've gained. It matters.

You could check the weight loss section on this site or other blogs/vlogs and try get ideas from people who have lost weight and kept it off or helped others to do it.

[Popcorn&Candy]

Even if she doesn't lose weight, Husbandseekingadvice, be the great husband you are and support her. As we all know, weight is not always easy to lose. But you must love your wife dearly and know that is special. Maybe you could support her that way to encourage her to eat right.

I also think there are many methods to lose weight. But healthy eating and exercise - although boring and predictable - is key.

I hope you've got the answers you need.