I miss sex...

[JurassicPark]

Please tell me I'm not alone.
4 years of marriage.
I feel like the second we got married my husband changed, Or I was deceived.
While dating we would get sexually intimate every single opportunity. I was so happy.
As soon as we got married, however, his interest stopped. I'm talking like 4 times a month. Now at 4 years...I'm lucky if once or twice a month.
This past 3 months he's been gone for work for 2 months of the time....I feel like there's no interest before he leaves, or comes back either anymore. We used to send cute, sexy texts to get eachother excited. I don't do it anymore because I know there's not going to be anything.
I honestly don't even try anymore. When I have in the past I always get rejected. Stomach ache usually...but all I see him doing is eating the foods that give him the upset stomach. Or he said he already did stuff earlier so he's satisfied.
I've definitely approached the subject and he says because he's a bigger guy he doesn't have as much testosterone. He doesn't feel attractive either. I try to make him feel sexy and attractive. I would do anything for him. I love my husband. I love the time we spend together. I even try to cuddle without expectations, which he does and seems to really enjoy. I've tried giving him space with no pressure, I've tried initiating, I've tried talking. The talking usually ends up with him saying he's sorry and that he'll try harder. I feel like the only way I get sex now is if I bug him. I don't want to be that baggy naggy wife. So I just do solo time and cry in the dark.
He isn't cheating on me, that much I know. I trust him.
I'm not happy. I'm getting fat now. I feel unloved, unwanted and like there's something wrong with me. I fear of the way things continue, I'm going to be divorced before 40.
We have a baby now, which I focus all my time on.
God I feel crazy. I think about sex more often then I'd like. I just want to stop thinking about it so I can be happy. I feel like if I could stop thinking about it I would be a million times happier.
I just feel like I'm ranting. I feel like a failure.

[atskitty2]

So, I'm hearing that he's having some self-esteem and image issues. Is his diet really that poor, and he's stopped taking care of himself?
Has he had his hormones checked? Seen a doc for a full exam lately? Since he's masturbating, it's not an issue of libido, I think, but still, a good evaluation by his doc will be helpful.
Were you living together prior to marriage?

While trying to conceive, was there more sexual activity? Now with the baby, things have changed substantially for both of you. You're feeling rejected, unhappy and at fault.

Lots of questions, as I'm trying to get a broader idea of what's happening. I applaud you for reaching out for help. We'll do our best to help here, but I know this has no simple answers, and will take work and change on both your parts. Getting him on board will be the greatest obstacle.

I want to assure you this is not YOU. This is a common problem, and stems from many sources. Please avoid getting down, feeling unwanted and poorly about your own image or desirability due to this problem. You're not a failure.
It can be resolved to both your satisfaction, with the investment of time and effort.

I'll comment further once I have a bit more info, Hon. Thanks for joining us! Welcome!

[Ashlee T.]

I will echo with kitty said.

Welcome to WHI. I'm so glad you've found a place with us here to get this stuff off your chest. I realize it isn't the kind of thing you can just talk with anyone about.

Kitty is right that this is a common problem. Many people think that because it's a common problem that must mean it's okay, but we know otherwise, right? Physical intimacy is an important part of a loving relationship.

I'll wait to see your responses to kitty before I provide more response.

[JurassicPark]

Thank you both very much for the responses. I can't believe how supportive you both are and caring. I definitely feel better already.

Yes he has very bad self esteem issues and he has stopped taking care of himself. I try my best there, I cook healthy meals as often as I can. I encourage him to join me for walks with the dogs.

As for his libido, he has mentioned that he thinks his testosterone is lower. He says he doesn't even do it by himself as much as he used to.
Recently though, he's brought up porn and bringing into the bedroom. I'm not opposed to the idea, so the past two times we have gotten intimate in the past month, he pulls out his phone. The first time I didn't mind...but now I'm just worried that he'll always need to use porn to get stimulated. It's also frustrating when we don't get intimate often and he needs help.
Do you ladies have experience with porn in the bedroom? How often and what are your rules?

I've tried to ask him to see a doctor, but he refuses. He usually changes the topic. He knows something is wrong, he thinks it's because of his weight. So he brings up diets. But never follows through with his diets.

We were not living together prior to marriage.

When we decided to conceive, we had sex one extra time. I also changed my mind the day after we conceived to wait another year. (Ha, I was already pregnant.)

I'm not expecting miracles. I just want him to feel loved and appreciated, and I want a little more sexy time.

I don't think we fight much, we bicker a little here and there. I try not to take it out on him. He even brags about how awesome I am and how lucky he is compared to other men. He's a very good man, he treats me very well in every other aspect of our lives. Heck, when we do get intimate, he makes sure I'm happy too.

[Ashlee T.]

The porn thing......ugh. To each their own, but that would bother the heck out of me. I'm all for foreplay and spicing things up, but if my guy pulled out his cell to look at other women while we were having sex I'd be COMPLETELY and totally turned off.

I think I'm most bothered by your situation because even though it sounds like he's a nice guy, it doesn't seem like he's trying. He won't see a doctor. He won't try to get healthier. I know we are only hearing one side of the story, but it sounds like you're the only one making an effort.

"He doesn't even do it himself as much as he used to." - Does this mean he's still masturbating? If so...yeah...I'd be ticked about that, too if he was depriving me of sex but "taking care" of himself.

So, I guess the question is, what is it about the porn that gets him fired up enough to want to have sex or masturbate? The spontaneity? The no strings attached? The newness? If he says, "I don't know"....that just isn't true, in my opinion. He knows what gets him going.

Does he take vitamins? Many men have low vit D and that can contribute to low T. Get him to start a daily supplement of vit D.

I know no one wants sex to be an issue. No one wants to feel like it's a job they are obligated to. But at some point you're going to have to sit down with him and have a serious talk. At some point there has to be some action on his part (no pun intended) where he makes a true effort to change this.

[JurassicPark]

The porn definitely bothers me. I'm going to put a stop to the porn now. I did find it to be a huge turn off. I'd rather just not have sex.

[Ashlee T.]

I don't blame you. Wonder how he'd feel if you needed to look at other dudes in order to have sex with him? Surely he wouldn't appreciate it and it wouldn't make him feel very good about himself.

If he can watch porn and please himself, he can make the effort to enjoy sexual intimacy with his wife. It isn't fair for him to just give up.

Maybe it's time for a heart-to-heart.

[atskitty2]

This. This, what you describe, is the issue I have with porn. I don't mind it at all as an aid to an already hot sex life, as a supplemental tool, or fun thing to role play with or learn new things to try maybe. But using porn as a substitue, or as the stimulator, or focus during that time with my partner, just simply wouldn't fly with me. It changes the intimacy component of your whole encounter, I think. It makes it about something very different than I want it to be, and that's the bond, and centering with my partner. Now, if it were a FWB or other situation, it may be fine.
I think it's necessary to get to the bottom of his porn usage, and self-gratification habits.

He really should have a full exam with his doctor. Full bloodwork panel including hormone levels, thyroid, the whole nine... Get a Vitamin D level checked prior to starting daily dosing, as you can get too much D ( haha, pun intended). It's not likely, but you can actually take too much, so be careful.

Since you weren't living together prior to marriage, it's possible that this is his normal libido, ya know? This could just be him, in real, settled-down life. When you only have a certain amount of time together per week, it's easy to make a lot of that time focused on the physical, for whatever reason. It could be, now that you've settled, that this is just really how he is.

I love what you said about wanting him to feel loved and appreciated. Really! I love that you're not becoming bitter, and still want to build him up, to give to him, and still see the great qualities in him, mentioned in your last paragraph. So cool, and going to make a big difference in the outcome here.
I also want to applaud you for trying to find solutions now, just 4 years into this thing. Again, that's huge!

What I have to share with you now, may be difficult to read and think about. It involves serious lifestyle changes. Changes in your habits, behavior toward each other and how you live your lives day to day. Yeah, it's pretty drastic, but I think it's necessary to create effective results. I think you already realize this isn't just about him, that you also have to give, change and work to improve things.

I think you have to have that heart to heart discussion Ashlee mentioned. It's one of those deep, serious discussions most of us don't enjoy. All the cards need to be laid out on the table: all the dissatisfaction, the unhappiness, the resentment, and hurt feelings. All of it. Lay it on the line, respectfully, without anger or raised voices, just put it out there with the objective of informing and finding solutions. He needs to understand completely how deep this goes for you. He also needs to understand that you're in it together, and he has your support every step of the way. I think, often there's a Me vs You mentality. It needs to be US working together to get this back on track. Reinforce that as much as you can, but expect him to get defensive. This is to improve the marriage, not just about making life better for one person. I expect he'll have things to ask of you to change as well.

May be a good idea to get a counselor involved to help guide things, keep on track and keep the team-work mentality.

It sounds like he has some really serious work to do on himself, physically and mentally. It's not easy for people to truly understand the changes they need to make, and even more difficult to implement those changes and stick with them. I'd expect the most resistance in this part of the process. He's going to have to be open to making better choices for himself. This is NOT easy, and I cannot say enough, that he won't begin the process until he actually wants to. He needs to realize the benefit brought about by those changes. That's what will motivate him. It's about diet and exercise and changing his mind. Along the way, you'll learn and change too.

That's a mouthful. Hope it's not terribly overwhelming, and makes sense. I've gotten into a hurry here and probably not being as succinct and complete as I'd like to be.

I'm sure that only brings up more questions, doesn't it?

If I were you, I'd consider visiting some counselors, maybe your pastor if you're so inclined.

Then, get your thoughts together. Maybe even write them down, to keep yourself on task. Pick a time, and set an appointment with him to designate these **2 hours** for a talk, or however long you want. Get a sitter, or leave the baby with Granny, and dedicate this time to each other. No interruptions. Then take a deep breath, stay focused on the team mentality I mentioned and speak your needs in love. I've found it's really difficult for me, or my companion, to get too bent out of shape when my words are spoken in love, with a genuine desire to make us both better.

[Stillness]

I’ve got a bunch of random thoughts:

I’ve never told anyone this, partly because it’s shameful. One of the most intense, memorable sexual experiences I’ve ever had was as a teenager watching my roommate’s porn. I had seen it before, but his was of a higher quality. (And the access then was not close to approaching what’s available today). I ejaculated fully clothed. That’s never happened with a woman.

My point is that there are things one can get from pornographically aided masturbation that can’t come from a partner – thus the addictiveness.

One of those things is lack of judgement. Even if the spouse is not judging, there can be projection of feelings of inadequacy. Improving could help. As someone that’s lost a lot of weight, I know firsthand that sex, like everything, is better when slimmer. Physically and mentally.

You can’t make someone lose weight, but if you’re overweight and you get in shape, it says more than your mouth ever can. I’m the slimmest I’ve ever been. It’s no coincidence that my wife is too. If you’re not overweight, you can still make healthier choices to influence your spouse.

Amy’s comments reflected the cultural stereotype view that women aren’t as sexual. Men will often have this view too. We may not appreciate or fully understand female sexual desire. So when our wife comes to us for sex, we simply may not get it or may minimize the importance of satisfying her, because “women aren’t into sex like men.”

I turned to porn during my marriage because of lack of interest on my wife’s part. Other men may do it not because of lack of availability, but because they’re into something in particular. Neither of those sound like the issue with you, just throwing that out there. You could ask to make sure. Communication is the key.

[MrMr]

He undoubtedly has some physical anxiety issues.

When i left the Marines i gained a bunch of weight and felt unattractive and my sex drive dropped.

My partner who is an artist drew provocative portraits of myself. I felt so confident and empowered. She used them as part of an exhibition she held and it was extremely liberating.

Now i am by no means suggesting something like that but guys sometimes need an ego fix. Guys can also be shy about exploring boundaries. Walking around naked, longing for things only he can do etc.

Obviously don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. But often the gratification of others can boost self esteem and be a turn on.

Being in good physical shape completely changed things for me. Now just taking my top off for my partner gives me the same sexual confidence