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Wife no longer 'in the mood' - advice please

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  • Wife no longer 'in the mood' - advice please

    My wife and I have been together for 20 years, married for 16 and I love her to bits, but over the last 2-3 years our sex life has taken a bit of a dive… we’re both about 50, have no kids and work full time.

    We are both overweight and making an effort to lose a few kilos…. In all the time I’ve known my wife I’ve never found out how much she weighs – she is quite secretive of her weight and won’t tell me if I ask, but I’d say she’s over 130kgs…. I love her voluptuous body and large breasts and her pretty face…. I love all of her basically.

    She had a knee operation 4 years ago – to repair a torn meniscus that she did ironically slipping on a treadmill at the gym. And she still has occasional problems with her knees – and I think this is mainly due to her weight.

    Anyway in the last few years I feel we have just drifted apart a bit…. In the evenings we generally watch the news on TV while we are having dinner, then we might watch a program we are both interested – but after that she watches ‘her’ programs. She likes to watch Eastenders (British soap opera) and also likes Married at first site, the Bachelor / Bachelorette, Survivor, the Ellen show and other programs that I have no interest in watching – so while she spends 2-3 hours watching these programs I go on the computer and look up Facebook, Youtube…etc… and watch things online that interest me.

    This happens pretty much every night….. she has complained I spend too much time on the computer and I complain that she spends too much time watching TV programs I am not interested in and by the time we go to bed it’s usually about 10:30pm or later and we listen to a bit of talkback radio, then go to sleep.

    When I mentioned something to her about our ‘lack of’ sex over a year ago, she just said “well you come to bed too late” (usually only 10 minutes after her) so I’ve been making a conscious effort to get to bed earlier, but even when I do she just never seems to be ‘in the mood’. Every night she kisses me, puts her head on my chest, cuddles me and says I am the best husband ever (or words to that effect). I always tell her I love her and how much she means to me, but sometimes when she cuddles me I wish she’d just go a ‘bit further’ and offer to pleasure me sexually or ask me to pleasure her sexually…. But she is just never in the mood. I’m not expecting sex every night, but once or twice a week would be nice.

    She’s not a morning person (I’ve known that since we met) and sex always happens in the bedroom only usually at night and because of her knees we can only do missionary position….. and it only happens about once a month or so when she is ‘in the mood’.

    Very occasionally (4 -5 times a year?) in the middle of the night, she will get very horny and I will stimulate her for about 30-60 seconds and she will orgasm, then turn over and go back to sleep – leaving me with an erection…. And I usually have to finish myself off

    The last time any sexual activity occurred between us was about 4 weeks ago on a Sunday morning sleep in, she started to give me a hand job, then said her hand was getting sore… then she got up and said she was going to have a shower – leaving me to finish myself off. She also doesn’t like sperm and has never allowed me to ejaculate on any part of her body – I always ejaculate inside her.

    The last few times we’ve had sex she has complained it is either too hot / stuffy (during the heat of summer) and she can’t breathe or she has asked me if I am close to orgasm because her knee or something is hurting…. I just think sex is too uncomfortable for her or it’s too much effort maybe?

    When we go away and have a holiday for a few days, she is more relaxed and we always seem to have good sex when we are staying in a nice hotel / motel for a few days away from home

    Sometimes I feel like getting on my knees and begging for sex, but I don’t want her to have sex just for the sake of having sex to please me…. When she is horny and in the mood it makes me more horny and excited and I really enjoy sex more when she’s in the mood.

    Last night we were watching a story on 20/20 about Sperm donors and I looked at her and said “I’ve got some sperm I can donate to you tonight if you like”… she just laughed and thought that was funny…. But she didn’t get the hint unfortunately

    I have wondered if she is going through Menopause, as for a few weeks last year she was getting ‘hot flashes’ from time to time, but her doctor said she wasn’t and she still gets her periods as normal

    I just feel like asking her “Why are you hardly in the mood for sex anymore”… but I don’t know the right words to say or how to say them and maybe I am afraid of the answer?

    I am concerned about her and don’t want come across like it’s all about me – I want her to experience sexual pleasure just as much as I do

    Does anyone have any advice of how to talk to my wife about it?

  • Hi Muffin70, just a few words here from a post menopausal woman. Just because she is still having her periods doesn't mean the hormones are all working as they did 20 years ago. She now is past the "prime" time of life in which to have children and I think (from the friends and women I've spoken with about this) is that the urgency to procreate isn't there - therefore why the urgency to have sex all the time. I think that we, women in this type of group, focus on other aspects of our lives and the sex becomes secondary to other interests. Sex also can be a psychological as well as physiological function. If her mind is on other things sex will be secondary. I'm assuming that you are both financially secure (so no money pressures), have an active social life (friends are important) and have other family to interact with. Outside interests - - make people interesting.

    Finally, if I've had a stressful day I may not exhibit my level of stress and the last thing I'm thinking about is sex. If my husband didn't react to my moods and only to his mood then I'd probably dis-engage as well. For me, sex isn't a , "well we're in bed, lets do it" kind of thing. I would probably react much better to him when he says at some point in the evening, "I thought of you all day". and then sit with me, hold my hand and rub my back and set the scene for something more later on. I also respond to him saying something along the lines of "God I need you this evening" -- because maybe, just maybe, he had a stressful day too.

    I may be weird - just me.
    That which we forget may as well never really happened.


    • Hi Claret, thanks for your reply
      Yes, her job is stressful at times and most days she tells me about the 'dramas' that happened at her work....
      I'm the sort of person that when I leave work for the day, I take off my work hat and leave it there until the next day, whereas she brings all her work problems home with her.
      I wouldn't say we are well off, but we reasonably financially secure

      I'm always sympathetic to her moods and to any problems she is having at work or otherwise - I'm not trying to make this all about me... I want her to he happy and horny :-)

      Last night in bed as I was rubbing muscle relief cream onto her knees I asked her if she wanted to make love, but she just said "it's a bit too late sorry".... but then continued to look at stuff on her phone for about 15 minutes....
      Maybe tonight I will ask her earlier in the evening tonight and see what she says


      • Okay, so there are some things that stood out to me big time.

        First, the woman doesn't feel good. Maybe it's weight, maybe it's hormones, maybe it's a combo of all of those things, but she doesn't feel good. That in itself is enough to make a sex drive plummet.

        Second, it sounds like you've both fallen into a "lazy" routine and it is not benefiting your health OR your marriage. It's great to have some down time in the evenings, but how about taking an evening walk first? Or joining a swim group at a local fitness club? Or gardening? Or anything that you can do together that keeps you active?

        Last, during the week when my days are NON STOP busy and stressful if my partner waits until I've gone to bed to initiate ANYTHING it's just not going to happen. When I hit the bed I am in full relaxation mode and ready to sleep. It seems that men can have sex and then immediately fall asleep almost like they've had a bottle of warm milk. But for women, or for me at least, it's the opposite. It gets my blood pumping, heart racing and then it takes me sometimes more than hour to wind down enough to sleep after while he's over there snoozing away. If I've gone to bed exhausted and then can't sleep for hours, that is not cool.

        You two need to have some fun together that has nothing to do with sex. Help each other focus on exercise, healthy eating and getting healthy, in general. If your health and activity level is stagnant or declining, you cannot expect your sex life to be flourishing. Do you expect your car to run if you don't put fuel in it or don't change its oil?
        "Be what you're looking for."


        • Thanks for the reply

          Yes – we try to do exercise regularly…. Last night when we came home from work I asked if she wanted to go for a walk and she just said “oh you can go if you like”…. So I did and felt good afterwards, but got home and she was on the couch watching TV and had eaten half a bag of pretzels! This is not helping with her weight problems unfortunately

          We do go swimming occasionally and enjoy it, but we need to go more as it is about the only exercise she can do that doesn’t hurt her knees or anything. We also do a bit of gardening together at home but not often

          I agree that we’ve fallen into a lazy routine and I’m trying to change that…. Last night after dinner I asked if she wanted to make love later on and she said “depends – if we go to bed early enough”. After watching something on TV together, she changed the channel and watched some dating show called ‘take me out’? I got up and left and she asked me what I was doing and I told her I’m not interested in watching that program and I went on the computer for a while then got ready for bed, but it was after 10:30pm before she’d finished watching TV – then she came to the bedroom and got ready for bed. I didn’t ask but could tell she was tired / not in the mood.

          She has no problems sleeping and will generally fall asleep within minutes of going to bed – I’m the opposite and take longer to get to sleep usually

          We have decided to go out to dinner tonight, so that will be good…. But she doesn’t like me discussing things with her about our personal lives (sex / weight / marriage) when we’re out in public.

          I do agree that it might be a combination of her weight and her hormones… I am concerned about her and I just want her to feel good about herself and feel happy – I’m willing to do whatever it takes to help her feel good.

          I also agree 100% with your sentence - Help each other focus on exercise, healthy eating and getting healthy, in general. If your health and activity level is stagnant or declining, you cannot expect your sex life to be flourishing.

          I'll definitely encourage more 'together' activities - see if I can drag her away from the TV...


          • You drop the weight first, muffin. Love her by leading with action. She’ll likely follow. If she loses weight in a healthy way, the inflammation and pain will also be reduced.

            One of the things I love about life is the aspect of our social nature that makes one person’s accomplishments empower others. A person that thinks a thing can’t be done will be more likely to do it if they’re exposed to someone else who is.

            My wife said she thought she never be slimmer than the weight she’s been most of our teenaged and adult lives. Now I’m not the only one getting compliments. She’s being told how young she looks and being asked what she’s doing. We went to lunch yesterday and she complained a little that we're interfering with her routine. That made me feel good. She’s not just supporting me or reluctantly going along. I don’t even fully understand what she does. She’s taken what I do and made it her own. She said it’s easy because she does nothing and feels better and stays slimmer.

            A coworker has been wanting to use protocols like me for years. He’s a weightlifter accustomed to strict discipline, but “couldn’t” do what I do regularly. A couple of weeks after one of our discussions he excitedly showed me his extraordinarily cut belly and and told me how great he felt. He’s following stricter protocols than me. He told me when it got difficult he said, “That guy is doing it. I can too.” I’m not sure he knew my name.

            I didn’t have to convince these people or preach to them. They saw the changes and came to me. There are others, including a friend that came off of his diabetes medicine. They did what couldn’t be done just because they came in contact with someone doing it.
            "Those sowing seed with tears
            Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126



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