[Raina]

Last night Bear and his newphew were talking about flat irons (for straightening hair, I know they have many names) and Bear mentioned he doesn't like them because his Ex tried to take a flat iron to his manhood because she was mad at him for something. He went on to say "that almost got kicked in the face" I giggled, because to me she looked as though she had already been kicked in the face. Bear asked what I giggled for and I told him, his newphew said he had never seen what his Ex looked liked and all of a sudden he goes from calling his Ex a for trying to flaten his manhood because she was mad at him for something to, 'Oh no, she has her really cute moments and stuff' I got mad as to how fast he went from one perspective to another. This particular Ex he talks about rather often, he mentions something about her on a daily basis almost. I have to admit.... I'm kind of tired of hearing about how ****ty his Ex girlfriend was to him and once I make a comment he goes from viewing her as a to a great woman. Not sure where to go from here.

It just bothers me when his opinion of these woman change after I comment on something about them, if they are so great how come hes not still with them?

He also gave me some scowling about, "you need to get over your jealousy , this is exactly what I'm talking about". I told him, "What if I started making fun of my Ex for something with you and then after you make a comment I start defending him left and right?" He told me to go ahead, cause there wasn't anything good about my Exs. Is it wrong of me to not want to hear about something or anything of his Exs on a daily basis? I can handle it in small doses, but every day feels like I'm ODing on it.

[acerousme]

Ohhhhh boy. My boyfriend does this...and it drives me nuts. I think its because they take it as a "personal attack" on their taste in women. The fact that he told you to get over your jealousy issues sounds like hes trying to cover up his bad decisions in the past.

Ask him to not talk about them. I had to start bringing my exes up because my man absolutely LOVES to talk about his one ex. I cannot stand the woman, and everytime I make it clear my distaste for her, he stands up for the brat. When he finally asked me to stop talking about my exes, I looked at him and said "it sucks, doesnt it?" He looked confused, and then I saw the lightbulb...

He hasnt mentioned her since

But you're right. If they were so great, why isnt he still with them. Have you tried asking him to stop? Use the sentence "i feel _______ because ________". That one always works.

good luck doll

[Raina]

Thankyou for merging my post, I appreciate it. I've thought about it but I know it would be hard for him to stop. This particular Ex seems to be the 'one that got away'. According to his sister Bear really loved this girl, despite her need to control him in every which way and form; money, friends, what they're doing, etcetc. I do not appreciate a person like that. I do not wish to hear good things about someone who has nothing good to be spoken of. When me and Bear were getting together, I heard all the bad of his Exs, a small good story here and there but nothing daily. Now its a daily thing. He had JUST mentioned his other Ex a few minutes ago. One of the Football players on one of the Teams currently playing in the superbowl has the same last name of one of his Exs. He said, "I might text her to see if shes related to him or something, haha". This bugged me, but alot less than it did when he mentioned the other Ex. We will name the 'one that got away' Brianna (Not her real name, just a stand in name). Brianna talked Bear into spending ALL of his Tax Return money (2k worth) on nothing BUT cloths, the majority of it being hers). His family has told me (when I have private talks with them about my problems because they actually like me) that they didn't like any of his GFs and they've told him that. They gave him a heads up on what woman seemed good for him, they didn't like her and they've told him that they like me. I get along great with his sister (this sister being a sister who he had issues with in the past but are now getting along because I asked him to please try to get along with her, I didnt like that he couldn't get along with her but she was fine with getting along with him. A mis-understanding in the past is what came between them, she let it go a long time ago and hes slightly holding on still.)

I may very well start referencing my Exs every now and again until he gets peeved with it and then politely say," Its no fun is it?". This is a relationship I do not plan on letting fall apart.

Also, when I look at my situation with all of this... I feel as thought hes still stuck in the past relationship. He was used to being controlled and I give him free reign of whatever he wants to do. I'm having a difficult time on getting him cracked out of that ugly shell of the past.

[DreamP346]

Been there. A year into dating my husband, I had a total melt down in front of him. Till then, I had been a very understanding girlfriend, but I couldn't take it anymore. I asked him how he would like it if I constantly talked about my ex's. I told him that I felt hurt and that I was always being compared to her. And since he had all these special memories with her, I could never be able to compete. I told him that I didn't expect him to not love her because you can't control whom you fall in love with and you don't just fall out of fall after being with somebody for 7 years. But I didn't want to hear about it and I didn't want this women in our lives, even in conversation. When he saw how hurt I was, he completely stopped talking about her.

[Raina]

I mentioned it today, but the subject didn't come up softly so we may have to address it later on again. I am to the point to where I don't feel like I compare as a girlfriend anymore. There is nothing he HASNT done with these women. Sex at work, sex in the car, sex on a boat, gone on vacation with them to nice places, played a joke on a good friend together, gone to amusement parks with them, there is nothing I can do that he hasn't done yet and I am having a hard time coming to terms with it. Its depressing me that I can't do anything that he hasn't already covered with these women. I feel like a plain Jane and it sucks. However, then I get to thinking that I don't HAVE to out-do these women to make myself good in an attempt to make myself feel better, but the attempt fails.

Ultimately, I feel like I have no exciting things to do with him without him remembering a past event with his Ex. The only thing I have one up on them is I am a hardcore gamer girl, they were not. I don't care when he decides to smoke pot (which is not an everyday or weekly thing, he may try it once a month and no more than that) unlike his Exs which would throw a massive fit for him even mentioning pot or anything. As long as he doesn't do it on a daily basis and risk ruining his work I have no problem with it, freedom is his on that.

I just want to do something awesome with him sometimes and him not go, "Well this one time with Brianna..." rather than him just enjoy the moment with me. Curse my inability to cope with silly things like this. ><

[acerousme]

Raina!!! I am going to give you virtual right now, so bear with me...(LOL...bear...get it?) YOU ARE MUCH MORE THAN THESE WOMEN!!! You dont have to out-do ANYBODY! If you're looking for something that is unique to do with him, then stop. Thats not the way to do this. Youre only going to end up driving yourself mad, sweetheart. Dont get upset with me, pleaseeeee. I used to do this too (still do), but dont, by any means call this issue a "silly thing". These are your feelings. Theyre not silly. This situation sucks.

Why not try something completely different? Like a "naked cooking class" for just the two of you. Or how about you build a fort in the middle of the living room? I know you're creative, so get those juices flowing, woman!

But please...please please promise me you wont compare yourself to those women. You did something they couldnt...Youve got Bear!! Youre so different from those women! Dont beat yourself up over this. please! Plain Jane, my ****!!!

Dont attempt to out-do anybody. You gotta do what makes YOU happy. This is a relationship between two people. R & B...lol. Nothing goes better with soul than a little R & B, and you've got soul, kid. And a lot more than any ex. You just have to want to see it. If you want, you can PM me, and vent Im always here


....I hope all that made sense.

[Raina]

It did make sense and I wouldn't get mad at you, or anyone on these forums for that matter, these forums are here to help not make things worse. xD Right now I am just enjoying myself playing World of Warcraft (They have a Valentines day event going on for the next two weeks) and I'm watching Bear and his nephew play MW3. They're entertaining to watch play the game especially when I know I can whomp both of them in the game. *wink*

I do put into consideration of a couple of things when it comes to Bear: This is the first time hes had a woman with him out on the job (considering he travels for work) and I'm thinking hes not sure what to do about having a woman with him, its new to him. I believe hes learning how to handle it. This is also the first time hes had a woman that cared more for him than the money he makes, he understands that I am not a gold digger and I will always opt for the cheaper item when it comes to something rather than the more expensive one (that being if its just a minor things that aren't necessary, when it comes to electronics I recon everything before making a decision though xD I don't dive right in and purchase the most expensive item thinking "It costs alot, MUST WORK GOOD!") because I am not in this relationship for his money, I am in it for him. I also care when he gets stressed out rather than saying, "Oh well, your stress; not my problem". He also has a woman that doesn't want to control him (sometimes I wonder if asking him to drop contact with certain women who care not for our relationship or who don't care for him for more than anything but a boy-toy is controlling. I have no issue with female friends, but I will have a big issue if I don't like the beeyatch.) in every which way possible and I'm not sure he knows how to hold the reins, as in him not being used to a relationship without being told what to do, when to do it and why. You want a new car? If you can afford it, go buy one! I remember him telling me one of his Exs got SO ****ed off at him for buying a car he wanted with his own money. I don't see why she got mad because she was part of a family that was wealthy. He earned that money, let him spend it as he pleases. Lol. I admit, I like money being spent on me (not alot, I feel bad then) from time to time (like, dying my hair or getting a new pair of shoes or something, lol) because it makes him feel good to buy things for me (Hes told me himself he likes to give me things that I want/like, which he aquired that taste from his Sister's GF. Yes, his sister is a lesbian and the funny thing is... his sister's GF is his boss! Haha! He views her as a parent though and she views him as her child, its a weird but loving family. xD He is materialistic with his love.) but I wont throw a fit about money NOT being spent on me because I grew up differently. Yes, I was spoiled as a child and growing up but getting mad at not having every dime spent on you is just ridiculous and childish.

It just amazes me how some people get used to a certain lifestyle and expect it to stay that way for the rest of their life. It also amazes me how people don't access who they are: "I control my men in a relationship and they have no free-run room" yea, because that doesn't make you a beeyatch or "What? You bought a car without my permission? Wtfawwwk" right, because that doesn't make you look like a gold-digger.

>> K, I feel better now. *hugs and kisses*

[acerousme]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ohh Raina! I seriously LOVE your gold digger quotes. LOL. I read your response and was laughing my butt off...only because my one ex (my man isnt home...and this is girl talk) is a high and mighty business man. I come from a family that doesnt have a lot. I was raised with the "work hard and you get what you want" sort of motto. When he began introducing me at these fancy parties in the clothes he bought me, I remember vividly the whispers! They all thought I was a gold digger!! And then I met his ex...who was now with his ex best friend. Yeah...she was a gold digger. I was introduced and her first comment was "Oh you're his new squeeze. Get ready...He doesnt know how to spend money"...and then went on about how her BUBBINS (thats what she called this poor guy) buys her what she wants. ..uhm helloooo gold digging hookerbot...

but ya...Him and I broke up because I didnt like his jet-setting lifestyle, and he HATED how the only kind of pant I would wear were jeans...lol

Good luck with Bear, and I wish you all the happiness you deserve. Im glad you feel better and didnt go all crazy on me. lol xo

PS- We will have to kick some butt on live together soon