[Sylvin]

Hi, this is my first post. Sorry if I sound strange, but English is not my native language.
I have been doing something very unfair to my current boyfriend for some time now.
Well, my ex-boyfriend has not been the best to me, yelling, insulting me.... You know, a bad boy. He was often in trouble with the law.
For my part, I strongly admired his strength, but I was also convinced that no one but him would want me because I am so stupid and boring that I don't deserve anyone better anyway, no one else will want me.
We split up a few years ago because someone found me and wanted me and loved me. I love him too.
My current boyfriend is loving, affectionate and kind. I've always enjoyed sex with him too, although it's not as extreme, without the bdsm stuff my ex and I did.
I have not taken contraception for two months because I want to have a baby. So does my boyfriend. But for a long time I have been comparing boyfriends. And I have come to the conclusion, somewhat thoughtlessly, that I want my child to be as strong, confident as my ex. That when I raise him he won't go the wrong way like father.
At the same time, I do not want my child to be raised by an ex. I very much want my current one to bring them up to be a good person. I am convinced that he will give him a good upbringing and at the same time the child will have the best qualities of my ex.
I have been in contact with my ex again for a fortnight, we have had sex, I have not told him I want to have a child with him. We also don't use contraception, I told him I wasn't on the pill but he didn't do anything about it. Still, I don't think he cares about me, only about sex, since he doesn't even ask if I want to go back to him.
I am also afraid to tell my boyfriend about it. I also have sex with my boyfriend, but not once have I let him finish inside me.
Am I a bad woman if I deliberately cheat?? I don't want bad things for anyone, I'm afraid of hurting my current boyfriend. But I am also afraid that he will abandon me when the truth comes out. However, I really want to have a child without the 'softness' of my current boyfriend, I want, very badly, for it to have more of the qualities of the ex than the current one.
Should I talk to him about it though? Or should I get ready to be a single mother and my fate is sealed? Should I beg my ex to take me back and for me to suffer but have what I want?
Or, as I sometimes think, do I need a psychiatrist?
Thank you in advance for your answers.

[jns]

Hi, this is my first post. Sorry if I sound strange, but English is not my native language.
I have been doing something very unfair to my current boyfriend for some time now.
Well, my ex-boyfriend has not been the best to me, yelling, insulting me.... You know, a bad boy. He was often in trouble with the law.
For my part, I strongly admired his strength, but I was also convinced that no one but him would want me because I am so stupid and boring that I don't deserve anyone better anyway, no one else will want me.
We split up a few years ago because someone found me and wanted me and loved me. I love him too.
My current boyfriend is loving, affectionate and kind. I've always enjoyed sex with him too, although it's not as extreme, without the bdsm stuff my ex and I did.
I have not taken contraception for two months because I want to have a baby. So does my boyfriend. But for a long time I have been comparing boyfriends. And I have come to the conclusion, somewhat thoughtlessly, that I want my child to be as strong, confident as my ex. That when I raise him he won't go the wrong way like father.
At the same time, I do not want my child to be raised by an ex. I very much want my current one to bring them up to be a good person. I am convinced that he will give him a good upbringing and at the same time the child will have the best qualities of my ex.
I have been in contact with my ex again for a fortnight, we have had sex, I have not told him I want to have a child with him. We also don't use contraception, I told him I wasn't on the pill but he didn't do anything about it. Still, I don't think he cares about me, only about sex, since he doesn't even ask if I want to go back to him.
I am also afraid to tell my boyfriend about it. I also have sex with my boyfriend, but not once have I let him finish inside me.
Am I a bad woman if I deliberately cheat?? I don't want bad things for anyone, I'm afraid of hurting my current boyfriend. But I am also afraid that he will abandon me when the truth comes out. However, I really want to have a child without the 'softness' of my current boyfriend, I want, very badly, for it to have more of the qualities of the ex than the current one.
Should I talk to him about it though? Or should I get ready to be a single mother and my fate is sealed? Should I beg my ex to take me back and for me to suffer but have what I want?
Or, as I sometimes think, do I need a psychiatrist?
Thank you in advance for your answers.

I don't think you should take your ex back. I can see trouble if your current bf finds out. With you not letting him finish inside you, he only needs to put two and two together to determine that he is not the father of any child. What are your plans if it is a girl? Your view on the situation seems to be what some scientist think is an underlying drive to mate with the most capable partner and produce the most capable offspring. Of course, what is the most capable offspring in a Darwinian sense is not so easy to discern.

[Sylvin]

I don't think you should take your ex back. I can see trouble if your current bf finds out. With you not letting him finish inside you, he only needs to put two and two together to determine that he is not the father of any child. What are your plans if it is a girl? Your view on the situation seems to be what some scientist think is an underlying drive to mate with the most capable partner and produce the most capable offspring. Of course, what is the most capable offspring in a Darwinian sense is not so easy to discern.

Oh, I always thought you could also get pregnant from preejaculate and leftover sperm, so that's how I wanted to explain pregnancy to him....
It doesn't matter to me if it's a son or daughter.
And so, the most capable offspring, I'm sure the ex will give it to me.

[Julia W.]

I'm sorry you have this dilemma. Cheating is never good. Imagine if someone was cheating on you and how that would feel. I bet it would feel terrible.

I think you need to get to the heart of why you're really cheating with a man that has treated you so poorly.

You say the sex is extremely good but is that a good enough reason to bring a child into the world? A man can be strong without degrading a woman and getting in trouble with the law. Would you want your child to see a man yelling and insulting you and thinking that's the way a man should treat a woman?

And if you lie to your current boyfriend about whose baby it is, that is crazy deceitful. Imagine how he will feel when he figures it out? Not good.

Also, no contraception means no protection against diseases! You're putting yourself and your current boyfriend at risk for STDs and STI's.

Maybe take a break from both men and work on yourself. What do you want in a partner? What do you want in a father? Get clear on what YOU want and what your needs are. That way, when you arrive at a problem like this, you will be able to tell immediately what's not working and what is. Good luck!!

[atskitty2]

It seems you're confused and I don't think you're really thinking through your choices here.

First, being abusive is not showing or having strength. Far from it. That's not a strong man. That's a bully and an abuser. It may seem that he's a tough guy, but really, if he can't handle himself any better than to hurl insults, raise his voice and get himself in legal trouble, I think that's a pretty weak man, actually. Strong men handle their business with self-respect and respect for others.
I think some counseling may benefit you, to help you understand why that's your idea of a "strong man", and help you reshape your ability to discern. And I'd put a halt on the attempts to get pregnant until you understand yourself a little better. You'll be a better parent for having done so.

Next, you know cheating is a poor choice, and cheating with the intent to get pregnant and then lie to your current boyfriend about who the father is...that's next level. Just stop and take some time for yourself, and figure out what it is you want to have happen here, because this is likely going to end badly if you continue down this road.

[Monique Kova]

Sorry but I'm not going to be quite as gentle as the previous posters but sometimes the truth needs to be told. The only part you got right is the suggestion of seeking professional help. First, let's get something straight. There is no confidence gene that gets passed onto children. I know plenty of males and females that are assertive, confident, and highly successful in life despite of their parent's negative and/or positive personality traits (although the latter does certainly help). A good parent teaches their children morals, ethics, and positive motivation with leading by example. Unfortunately from what I read in your post, you have neither of these traits nor the maturity level to even consider raising a child properly. Words and intensions by a parent mean absolutely nothing; personal actions do.

The main problem lies within yourself. You call yourself "stupid and boring and don't deserve anyone better" until you met someone else who apparently cares about you. Now you are willing to throw all that away because you are too misguided to understand that insecurity is the main root of all relationship problems. If you don't respect yourself, you don't have the capacity to respect others around you. It is that simple and you have already proven that point by cheating.

Unfortunately girl, you have crossed a sacred line and can't easily come back. Your insecurity issues have ruined the current relationship even if your boyfriend never finds out about the cheating. You have in essence, betrayed yourself both physically and emotionally. A trained professional can hopefully guide you back to a better path, but no one will be able to help you if you don't get honest. Your first mistake was seeking a man to become responsible for your happiness and fulfillment. That will never happen in real life. Those are your responsibilities.

My advice is to step up to the plate like a mature adult and end the current relationship. The boyfriend deserves at least that much respect from you. Secondly, avoid any further contact with your ex and any other guy for that matter. You are not ready to have a nurturing relationship at this stage in your life. There is plenty of material and advice from professionals on the web and in person that go beyond reading some forums. Deep inside, we are all capable of being great people without the misconception that genes are the only key to personality. You are no different.

Once you develop a great relationship with yourself, then you are ready to share that with others. I wish you well in your journey of self-discovery if you so choose to follow it.

[amy40]

why don't you wait until you're married to have & raise a child?
children are a huge commitment & need a father as well as a mother

[ferahunt]

It's almost impossible to know how your baby will look like.