[MOLLYBANKMENT]

My husband and I recently married and I know that in his last relationship they had a sexual experience where another couple came round their house. I on the other hand don't have as much experience sexually, sex is very personal to me and I've never had a one night stand. I couldn't imagine having sex with someone I don't have feelings for.

A few nights ago we were being intimate when he told me that he'd love to watch me have sex with another man and that he has done this about 5 times in 2 previous relationships and it really turns him on seeing how attracted someone else is to me and that he likes the competitiveness in it (he doesnt participate) he said it's the whole experience, even me getting ready, me feeling nervous and excited and seeing the guys face when he sees me at the door. He also says that it will be good for our relationship I felt as though this could be a starting point to him seeking permission to have sex with another woman but he denied that and said that's not his motivation, unless I wanted him to and was okay with it, which I made clear I wasn't (I know I would be too jealous and insecure for that)

He hasn't pressured me and doesnt want an answer, i know that if I don't say anything then itll just stay a fantasy and just be brought up a couple more times in the future maybe.

What does bother me is that we were being intimate last night and I was touching his body telling him how sexy it is and this is how the convo went...

HIM - it's all yours
ME - yes and nobody else gets to touch it
HIM - not without your permission
ME - that wont ever happen
HIM - grow up!!

I felt really hurt and confused, I tried not to show it not to ruin the intimacy but I've tried so hard recently sexually and overall because now I'm feeling that I'm not enough for him and that he'll always want more. Why did he tell me to grow up? I've always expressed from day one that I'm not into sharing, I just feel like **** now and its playing on my mind. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

[Mo]

My husband and I recently married and I know that in his last relationship they had a sexual experience where another couple came round their house. I on the other hand don't have as much experience sexually, sex is very personal to me and I've never had a one night stand. I couldn't imagine having sex with someone I don't have feelings for.

A few nights ago we were being intimate when he told me that he'd love to watch me have sex with another man and that he has done this about 5 times in 2 previous relationships and it really turns him on seeing how attracted someone else is to me and that he likes the competitiveness in it (he doesnt participate) he said it's the whole experience, even me getting ready, me feeling nervous and excited and seeing the guys face when he sees me at the door. He also says that it will be good for our relationship I felt as though this could be a starting point to him seeking permission to have sex with another woman but he denied that and said that's not his motivation, unless I wanted him to and was okay with it, which I made clear I wasn't (I know I would be too jealous and insecure for that)

He hasn't pressured me and doesnt want an answer, i know that if I don't say anything then itll just stay a fantasy and just be brought up a couple more times in the future maybe.

What does bother me is that we were being intimate last night and I was touching his body telling him how sexy it is and this is how the convo went...

HIM - it's all yours
ME - yes and nobody else gets to touch it
HIM - not without your permission
ME - that wont ever happen
HIM - grow up!!

I felt really hurt and confused, I tried not to show it not to ruin the intimacy but I've tried so hard recently sexually and overall because now I'm feeling that I'm not enough for him and that he'll always want more. Why did he tell me to grow up? I've always expressed from day one that I'm not into sharing, I just feel like **** now and its playing on my mind. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Hello and welcome to the forum!

First and foremost, what you think is entirely normal, and most people in a relationship I know feel the same way (myself included).

Maybe he said those words because he thought you have the same approach when it comes to such situations. It's a fact that not every other person deals with a problem the same way.

Something that may be utterly casual for you may be pretty extreme for him and vice versa.

The best thing you can do about this is talk, tell him what makes you feel uncomfortable, and ask him about the things that make him feel uncomfortable.

Best of luck!

[JonnyR]

Hello MOLLYBANKMENTThis is the age old question -- when and if to share one's most intimate and private fantasies and thoughts...

On the one hand, you are married, and if he can't share those thoughts with you, then there is no trust and intimacy being built in the relationship and in his mind it feels fruitless, judgmental, and as if there will never again be a way to express that part of himself - basically shutting something down forever.

This is why you got the reaction that you did -- he felt judged, hurt, and scared -- scared because there's a part of him that realizes that this might never happen again in his life as long as he is with you, and that's a sort of death or loss he has to perhaps deal with in a way he's never had to before.

On your side, I also see the possible hurt and frustration for you as well -- you've expressed to him that you are not into group sex, don't want to share him with anyone else, and even if you are remotely open to the idea of having sex with another man, it's not something you're about to do flippantly, or in the near future if at all.

This all boils down to communication.

A lot of these types of conversations should have likely been had BEFORE marriage -- part of compatibility is also being sexually compatible, but since that ship has sailed, you are not stuck with the reality that he has other fantasies outside of just the two of you.

They are normal, in the same way your NOT wanting to do that is perfectly normal as well.

The next step is to talk...deep empathy and understanding are required on both your parts.

Don't judge him because he has other wants and desires outside of your relationship -- it is not an indictment on your love, intimacy or sex.

In fact it could be quite the opposite! He could be SO comfortable and turned on by you, that it allows him to feel free and access and open to other parts of his sexuality that he wants to allow to come forward...he isn't being repressed, which is good!

But if you reject those thoughts, you are rejecting him...so be very careful how you go about this.

He also needs to understand your point of view and respect that too.

In these types of situations, I've often not talked about my fantasies past a certain point knowing the other person was not into them and would never likely be...I learned to suppress them, and put the relationship/person ahead of those fantasies and come to terms with them.

If he really loves you, he'll do the same -- gladly -- because everything else is so good.

I hope this makes sense, and if you have other thoughts or concerns, please let us know! We're here to help you through this...

[Kayla Lords]

While I agree that you need to be sensitive to how you respond when he talks about his fantasies (that he's opening up to you is a great sign of vulnerability and intimacy), I also think you have every right to discuss his response to you, as well.

He may have been expressing disappointment that a fantasy of his will never be made real in your relationship, he's just as responsible for how he responds to you as you are for your responses to him.

The best thing to do is to set a time to talk -- not when you're both busy and rushed, not when you're naked or about to have sex -- during a more neutral time when you're both relatively calm. You may even want to "schedule" it with him. Something like, "I'd like to talk to you about what happened the other night. When's a good time for you?" (Alternately, you can suggest a time.)

Since this is a sex talk, it may be best to discuss it at home but sometimes going for a drive or sitting down for a cup of coffee (if you can have some expectation of privacy) works, too.

Hear him out, sure. But also let him know how you felt. Ask him questions (as calmly as you can) about why he said what he said. Ask how he's feeling about the idea that you may never be interested in this particular fantasy. If you feel comfortable and he's responding calmly and in an open way, consider sharing any fantasies you may have. He may need to let go of a previous fantasy but in the process, you may both find something you want to try together.

You're each entitled to your sexual fantasies and desires. For a relationship to grow and thrive, you have to find your points of compatibility and those things have to outweigh where you're not compatible. It's entirely possible to have a great relationship and not be a good fit sexually, which can lead to the end of a relationship. Hopefully, you can find enough common ground that you're both happy and thriving with the sex life you build together -- even if it means some fantasies simply can't be indulged in reality.

[atskitty2]

Him using the expression "grow up" is definitely eyebrow-raising terminology. I agree that was hurtful language, and I'm guessing a rather hurtful tone accompanied those words.

Nothing short of a really deep conversation needs to be had here, and I'd start with that comment, because it is apparently in opposition to his spoken words to you. That attitude is inconsistent with what he told you, in my opinion.
Did you know about his forays into this expression of sexuality prior to marriage? I feel this is an important piece of information to share with a partner - this is potential deal-breaker material.

[jns]

My husband and I recently married and I know that in his last relationship they had a sexual experience where another couple came round their house. I on the other hand don't have as much experience sexually, sex is very personal to me and I've never had a one night stand. I couldn't imagine having sex with someone I don't have feelings for.

A few nights ago we were being intimate when he told me that he'd love to watch me have sex with another man and that he has done this about 5 times in 2 previous relationships and it really turns him on seeing how attracted someone else is to me and that he likes the competitiveness in it (he doesnt participate) he said it's the whole experience, even me getting ready, me feeling nervous and excited and seeing the guys face when he sees me at the door. He also says that it will be good for our relationship I felt as though this could be a starting point to him seeking permission to have sex with another woman but he denied that and said that's not his motivation, unless I wanted him to and was okay with it, which I made clear I wasn't (I know I would be too jealous and insecure for that)

He hasn't pressured me and doesnt want an answer, i know that if I don't say anything then itll just stay a fantasy and just be brought up a couple more times in the future maybe.

What does bother me is that we were being intimate last night and I was touching his body telling him how sexy it is and this is how the convo went...

HIM - it's all yours
ME - yes and nobody else gets to touch it
HIM - not without your permission
ME - that wont ever happen
HIM - grow up!!

I felt really hurt and confused, I tried not to show it not to ruin the intimacy but I've tried so hard recently sexually and overall because now I'm feeling that I'm not enough for him and that he'll always want more. Why did he tell me to grow up? I've always expressed from day one that I'm not into sharing, I just feel like **** now and its playing on my mind. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

I think a lot of what was talked about should have been talked about before getting married. To me it sounds like he held back information about something that was important to him and important (though not in the same way) to you. As it stands now, he is the one who has to grow up and not bully you into doing what he wants without your sincere input. Marriage partners aren't always completely on the same page. When that happens, they have to act on what they agree on. His actions (bullying) are a deviation from this and it is still early in the marriage. I wonder if he wanted to use the marriage as a lever to get you to agree to what he wants.

[MrMr]

At the moment it’s just talking fantasy. But if you aren’t comfortable then shoot it down right away and make your feelings clear. If you are interested in pursuing then make it absolutely clear that it’s not an opportunity for him to sleep with someone else. An option could be to role play situations where you talk about being with someone else or watch videos of guys getting off.

[IraBrad]

I wouldn't go for that if I don't want to. I think it can ruin your relationships. If one of you is not ready, I wouldn't do that.

[Wednesday L.F.]

I love how supportive these comments are. You have every right to set boundaries and for them to be respected.

[Clarisse Q.]

I absolutely agree, Wednesday! These comments have been encouraging and supportive in every way possible. MOLLYBANKMENT, thanks so much for sharing the interaction you had with your husband. I would also feel the same way as I wouldn't want to share my husband either.

Definitely set boundaries and communicate as best you can on what you're comfortable with and non-negotiables. Try not to sugar coat anything. Your feelings and concerns are valid. You two are now married and have to make it through this challenge together.

Sometimes, that's the beauty, aches, and pains of a partnership - you have to let go of certain things if it's hurting your partner. Always ask yourself, "Is this worth it?" Respect each other, be considerate, and be an awesome team together.

We hope things get better in regards to this topic and we're here to lend an ear whenever you need!