My husband wants to watch me have sex with another man

[Glasgowgal]

My ex wanted to watch me fck another man and that's the man I'm now with.

[Tryingtostayup]

AsianSexLovingWife First let me say that I am sorry that you are having to go through such a difficult and highly emotional situation and decision. Let me say that the fact that you and your husband can manage such a situation and still be together and in love is a testament to your union and ability to communicate. Many marriages could not sustain such an arrangement regardless of his presence or not during sex the act. He obviously supports your desires and sexual needs, which again speaks volumes as many husbands would not in such a situation, which in my opinion gives him some credit. I believe you mentioned that some of the guys are friends of your husbands as well, and that dynamic has to be quite interesting for him especially if there still friends of his, but again I give him credit that takes alot of courage. Your husband has been aware of your fetish for sometime you mention, which I assume made it easier for him to accept you proceeding with meeting others. In anycase I will try to address your points you asked about, I don't think your being selfish...I think your being particular and that may be understandable given the situation. Now with that being said, as I mentioned above your husband deserves alot credit for being supportive. Shooting down his request to watch may be tough for him since he may feel like he has made allowances to support your needs. To your point I can see having a third in the room messing up the natural flow can be tough for you and everybody involved. My suggestion would be to talk to your husband and possibly workout a compromise. Maybe explore why he wants to watch, that maybe his fetish so you could possibly feed his desires as well. A couple of options which you all may have discussed already but try starting out with you just telling him about what happened to see if that is enough for him. If not then how about you audio record the act, he gets to hear but not in room. Which obviously leads to the next thing of maybe setting up camera and record for him to watch later with you. As for the "other guy" well I would think that if he is getting to participate in such a special act that should be enough, but I am sure there are plenty of guys willing to understand any of above mentioned options since it is a sexual experience. Obviously you guys have great communication so I would have a talk and try to compromise so that both of you can prosper. Good luck

[jns]

I am a 44 year old very highly sexed Chinese woman that was born and raised in China, met my Canadian born black husband in China when he was working on an international theft of corporate funds for his Canadian Chinese client, and we married in China 10 years ago, hence my reason for leaving China and all my family 8 years ago to move to Canada to be with him! Not that long after living here in Canada and having met my husband's friends, many who are black the same as he is, i somehow have developed a very strong fetish for hot black guys, and my husband has been aware for years now of this fetish i have!
Without going into detail, i have been involved sexually for years now with other black male friends of my husband, as well as some black guys i have met on my own. My husband is aware of this now since last year, understands my needs and desires sexually that way, and has been regularly since then been trying to talk me into allowing him to watch me sexually with other men! It is important i feel to mention that my husband is taken care of sexually by me 100% too!
i have refused from the first time he brought up this topic to give in and allow him to be there and watch me having sex with other guys!
First, him being there watching me that way would make me very nervous and uncomfortable, and i am certain that with him there, i would not be able to let myself go totally. Then there is the fear of him possibly some day causing a problem by possibly telling me it seemed i enjoyed sex with some guy he watched with me, more than i do with him, which no woman needs to hear! And, then there is the other guy, should he not have a say on whether he minds my husband watching the guy have sex with me? Not to leave out the privacy and personal thoughts of mine with another guy, that in my view, husband has no need to know about my sex with another guy, the details i mean, knowing i do have sex at times with other men i know is all he really needs to know!
I have been seriously thinking for awhile now that maybe my reasons for being totally against my husband having huge desires to watch me with another man sexually are wrong of me to consider! Am i being selfish towards my husband when it comes to that? As my husband, is it maybe his right to watch me sexually with another guy? ...

Welcome to WH Interactive Forums. You have detailed your thought process for your own situation quite well. Having someone else in the bedroom while being intimate with a partner has the possibility of changing the dynamics of the relationships. It is hard to say beforehand where the situation may go. I think you are right in being very cautious. In open marriages, I have read that the partners often do not give any details to the other one. Jealousy could rise quickly. You could always have another observer while you are having sex with another man if you wanted to find out if someone observing alters how you go about having sex and the passion of it. Of course that won't be the same thing as having your husband in the room. Another way would be to allow your husband to watch but do it far from home with someone you would never be in touch with again. That may separate some of the jealousy of a friend starting a romantic relationship with his wife (you).

[AsianSexLovingWife]

I am a 44 year old very highly sexed Chinese woman that was born and raised in China, met my Canadian born black husband in China when he was working on an international theft of corporate funds for his Canadian Chinese client, and we married in China 10 years ago, hence my reason for leaving China and all my family 8 years ago to move to Canada to be with him! Not that long after living here in Canada and having met my husband's friends, many who are black the same as he is, i somehow have developed a very strong fetish for hot black guys, and my husband has been aware for years now of this fetish i have!
Without going into detail, i have been involved sexually for years now with other black male friends of my husband, as well as some black guys i have met on my own. My husband is aware of this now since last year, understands my needs and desires sexually that way, and has been regularly since then been trying to talk me into allowing him to watch me sexually with other men! It is important i feel to mention that my husband is taken care of sexually by me 100% too!
i have refused from the first time he brought up this topic to give in and allow him to be there and watch me having sex with other guys!
First, him being there watching me that way would make me very nervous and uncomfortable, and i am certain that with him there, i would not be able to let myself go totally. Then there is the fear of him possibly some day causing a problem by possibly telling me it seemed i enjoyed sex with some guy he watched with me, more than i do with him, which no woman needs to hear! And, then there is the other guy, should he not have a say on whether he minds my husband watching the guy have sex with me? Not to leave out the privacy and personal thoughts of mine with another guy, that in my view, husband has no need to know about my sex with another guy, the details i mean, knowing i do have sex at times with other men i know is all he really needs to know!
I have been seriously thinking for awhile now that maybe my reasons for being totally against my husband having huge desires to watch me with another man sexually are wrong of me to consider! Am i being selfish towards my husband when it comes to that? As my husband, is it maybe his right to watch me sexually with another guy?
Anyhow, i would suggest that you ask your husband why he wants you to do this what he has asked of you, if you did it for him, how would he feel about you having your privacy with other guys sexually, and what has made him feel that you might be into doing what he has suggested with other men.

[Rayn]

This is definitely a touchy subject to say the least. From what i read, it seems that you view sex as a reflection of intimacy, whereas he views it as more of a recreational activity. Now I'm not saying either of you are right or wrong, and we all have our kinks and desires. It's good that he's comfortable enough to share this with you and you're entitled to your feelings on it. But what you don't want to do is shut him down every single time. So you don't want to share or in this case, be shared. Trust me, that's okay. I've been with my wife for nearly twenty years and we havent shared once. But we've explored numerous other fantasies over the years that have fulfilled our sexual desires. So try to find some common ground. Is there a fantasy that perhaps you both share?

[Clarisse Q.]

I absolutely agree, Wednesday! These comments have been encouraging and supportive in every way possible. MOLLYBANKMENT, thanks so much for sharing the interaction you had with your husband. I would also feel the same way as I wouldn't want to share my husband either.

Definitely set boundaries and communicate as best you can on what you're comfortable with and non-negotiables. Try not to sugar coat anything. Your feelings and concerns are valid. You two are now married and have to make it through this challenge together.

Sometimes, that's the beauty, aches, and pains of a partnership - you have to let go of certain things if it's hurting your partner. Always ask yourself, "Is this worth it?" Respect each other, be considerate, and be an awesome team together.

We hope things get better in regards to this topic and we're here to lend an ear whenever you need!

[Wednesday L.F.]

I love how supportive these comments are. You have every right to set boundaries and for them to be respected.

[IraBrad]

I wouldn't go for that if I don't want to. I think it can ruin your relationships. If one of you is not ready, I wouldn't do that.

[MrMr]

At the moment it’s just talking fantasy. But if you aren’t comfortable then shoot it down right away and make your feelings clear. If you are interested in pursuing then make it absolutely clear that it’s not an opportunity for him to sleep with someone else. An option could be to role play situations where you talk about being with someone else or watch videos of guys getting off.

[jns]

My husband and I recently married and I know that in his last relationship they had a sexual experience where another couple came round their house. I on the other hand don't have as much experience sexually, sex is very personal to me and I've never had a one night stand. I couldn't imagine having sex with someone I don't have feelings for.

A few nights ago we were being intimate when he told me that he'd love to watch me have sex with another man and that he has done this about 5 times in 2 previous relationships and it really turns him on seeing how attracted someone else is to me and that he likes the competitiveness in it (he doesnt participate) he said it's the whole experience, even me getting ready, me feeling nervous and excited and seeing the guys face when he sees me at the door. He also says that it will be good for our relationship I felt as though this could be a starting point to him seeking permission to have sex with another woman but he denied that and said that's not his motivation, unless I wanted him to and was okay with it, which I made clear I wasn't (I know I would be too jealous and insecure for that)

He hasn't pressured me and doesnt want an answer, i know that if I don't say anything then itll just stay a fantasy and just be brought up a couple more times in the future maybe.

What does bother me is that we were being intimate last night and I was touching his body telling him how sexy it is and this is how the convo went...

HIM - it's all yours
ME - yes and nobody else gets to touch it
HIM - not without your permission
ME - that wont ever happen
HIM - grow up!!

I felt really hurt and confused, I tried not to show it not to ruin the intimacy but I've tried so hard recently sexually and overall because now I'm feeling that I'm not enough for him and that he'll always want more. Why did he tell me to grow up? I've always expressed from day one that I'm not into sharing, I just feel like **** now and its playing on my mind. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

I think a lot of what was talked about should have been talked about before getting married. To me it sounds like he held back information about something that was important to him and important (though not in the same way) to you. As it stands now, he is the one who has to grow up and not bully you into doing what he wants without your sincere input. Marriage partners aren't always completely on the same page. When that happens, they have to act on what they agree on. His actions (bullying) are a deviation from this and it is still early in the marriage. I wonder if he wanted to use the marriage as a lever to get you to agree to what he wants.