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Long term marriage with Sexual Frustration and E.D.

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  • Long term marriage with Sexual Frustration and E.D.

    I am a male (50) and my wife is (48) we have been together since I was 21 and she was 19. College sweethearts that dated for almost 8 years and been married ever since. We have 3 kids getting older one in college and 2 in high school. My wife and I have a great relationship and we communicate very well. We are very honest with each other and get along very well, she is my best friend, lover, and wife I always wanted. The one area that we have struggled in since the beginning is sexually, she has only been with 2 other guys in her life, one was with a high school guy she really liked and lost her virginity but it was a quick one, then she me in college, and the last guy was a college guy after i left college since I was older we decided to have an open relationship since i moved out of state. This last guy and her had mostly a sexual relationship since part of our rules was that she had to be discreet. It lasted only 2 months but she had some really good experiences and he was a much better lover for her than I was. I returned to the area and we decided to restore our monogamous relationship. Our relationship blossomed but sexually we struggled and it was mostly me. When I was younger I had many (10+) sexual partners and that was mostly high school and college before I met my wife. Sex back then was different it was not alot about feelings, more attraction and exploration. My ego back then as with most guys was inflated and I didn't pay much attention to their needs but mostly focused on my own needs. It was my wife who changed that but I had trouble expressing it sexually with her. I guess to be specific I had premature ejaculations issues, I wasn't present, low confidence, erection issues, low libido (2 to 3 times a month) etc.... This has gone on for 20 plus years.... Now don't get me wrong we are very intimate and have found ways to find pleasure for her. (vibrators, role play, toys, oral, etc...) This has been a sacrifice and compromise for her since she has had to get use to using toys to get orgasms. She craves a more aggresive, fluid and dominated sexual experience since she has been the dominant one sexually for so long. As for me well, after being married and realizing how poor I have been for her needs I have spent a large majority of the last 20 years trying to be better such as therapy, exercise, meditation, self help, pills....etc and basically nothing has changed. As I mentioned we communicate often and talk often so, we discuss this often since it is basically the one hang nail in what has been a great marriage. My wife's mindset is well I signed up for this so I guess it is what it is..... She basically has a defeated attitude and just assume this is it. Can't blame her though. I am also at a lost to this point, but she has reassured me this is not a dealbreaker and she will be fine. (That's my wife always puts her self last and needs on back burner for me and family!) As I mentioned my kids are older (1 in college) and 2 about to be off to college soon. My E. D. is not physical I am totally healthy and mentally I am good says my therapists and I am just not an aggressive person so it may be hard to bring that out sexually, especially with my wife who I see in a different light like a mom to my kids, and devout wife, especially considering the long term of our relationship. I am at a point in life where I just want happiness for her, she deserves it all and better. So, basically I wanted some thoughts on possibly openning our marriage so she can explore sexually is she so desires. As I said we communicate and have discussed this in the past. Its always been something of a last resort, but not totally ruled out by me or her. Raising a family and a busy schedule not to mention how to even get started with such a thing was too much to even take on and that was 10 years ago... Now with our current situation changing and our kids leaving the nest maybe now its time for her to get what she wants if she desires. Of course this would require much more discussion and communication but I am open to it and want to see if she is as well... Thoughs would be appreciated!

  • Hi, and welcome.

    I can’t speak to the physical aspects of this. Hopefully one of our other team members can.

    But one way to explore open relationships might be using dating sites like OKCupid or AshleyMadison together. Discussing the profiles, and if she makes a listing, the responses might help you both clarify what you’re looking for and how you want to proceed.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by Tryingtostayup View Post
      I am a male (50) and my wife is (48) we have been together since I was 21 and she was 19. College sweethearts that dated for almost 8 years and been married ever since. We have 3 kids getting older one in college and 2 in high school. My wife and I have a great relationship and we communicate very well. We are very honest with each other and get along very well, she is my best friend, lover, and wife I always wanted. The one area that we have struggled in since the beginning is sexually, she has only been with 2 other guys in her life, one was with a high school guy she really liked and lost her virginity but it was a quick one, then she me in college, and the last guy was a college guy after i left college since I was older we decided to have an open relationship since i moved out of state. This last guy and her had mostly a sexual relationship since part of our rules was that she had to be discreet. It lasted only 2 months but she had some really good experiences and he was a much better lover for her than I was. I returned to the area and we decided to restore our monogamous relationship. Our relationship blossomed but sexually we struggled and it was mostly me. When I was younger I had many (10+) sexual partners and that was mostly high school and college before I met my wife. Sex back then was different it was not alot about feelings, more attraction and exploration. My ego back then as with most guys was inflated and I didn't pay much attention to their needs but mostly focused on my own needs. It was my wife who changed that but I had trouble expressing it sexually with her. I guess to be specific I had premature ejaculations issues, I wasn't present, low confidence, erection issues, low libido (2 to 3 times a month) etc.... This has gone on for 20 plus years.... Now don't get me wrong we are very intimate and have found ways to find pleasure for her. (vibrators, role play, toys, oral, etc...) This has been a sacrifice and compromise for her since she has had to get use to using toys to get orgasms. She craves a more aggresive, fluid and dominated sexual experience since she has been the dominant one sexually for so long. As for me well, after being married and realizing how poor I have been for her needs I have spent a large majority of the last 20 years trying to be better such as therapy, exercise, meditation, self help, pills....etc and basically nothing has changed. As I mentioned we communicate often and talk often so, we discuss this often since it is basically the one hang nail in what has been a great marriage. My wife's mindset is well I signed up for this so I guess it is what it is..... She basically has a defeated attitude and just assume this is it. Can't blame her though. I am also at a lost to this point, but she has reassured me this is not a dealbreaker and she will be fine. (That's my wife always puts her self last and needs on back burner for me and family!) As I mentioned my kids are older (1 in college) and 2 about to be off to college soon. My E. D. is not physical I am totally healthy and mentally I am good says my therapists and I am just not an aggressive person so it may be hard to bring that out sexually, especially with my wife who I see in a different light like a mom to my kids, and devout wife, especially considering the long term of our relationship. I am at a point in life where I just want happiness for her, she deserves it all and better. So, basically I wanted some thoughts on possibly openning our marriage so she can explore sexually is she so desires. As I said we communicate and have discussed this in the past. Its always been something of a last resort, but not totally ruled out by me or her. Raising a family and a busy schedule not to mention how to even get started with such a thing was too much to even take on and that was 10 years ago... Now with our current situation changing and our kids leaving the nest maybe now its time for her to get what she wants if she desires. Of course this would require much more discussion and communication but I am open to it and want to see if she is as well... Thoughs would be appreciated!
      Welcome to WH Interactive Forums. Libido and erection issues can be tied together. Sometimes it is related to hormones. The minimum hormone levels that doctors test for may not be high enough for optimal performance and confidence. Are your levels near the bottom acceptable or substantially higher? Have you tried testosterone therapy? Another approach is more mechanical with the implantation of an air bladder in the penis that gets pumped up before sex. Basically, with it, you cannot go flaccid and thus you can go on for as long as you have stamina for and both of you want to go on. I knew a retired guy who got the surgery in Thailand and he was very happy with the results.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • Thanks for the replies. jns have been to doctor everything checked out even with my harmones (T-levels etc) and thanks Wednesday L.F.I will look into those sites if you think they can help. Also, if there is anything else that may help I am open to listening and possibly trying!

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Tryingtostayup View Post
          Thanks for the replies. jns have been to doctor everything checked out even with my harmones (T-levels etc) and thanks Wednesday L.F.I will look into those sites if you think they can help. Also, if there is anything else that may help I am open to listening and possibly trying!
          What about Viagra/Cialis? Does your body respond? I had some ED issues earlier this year and everything checked out physically. Never did figure out root cause, but Viagra worked quite for well for me.

          Comment


          • EmptyNester thanks for the response. Viagra didn't work for me but Cialis does provide some inconsistant results, but again enough for me, but not so much for the wife. I do have a question for you based off user name what is it like being Empty nester??? we are soon going to be and I was wondering if that changes relationship???? Negatively or Postively or both and how? I often wonder once our children are gone will my wife want more sexually then I can provide??? and if so I need to be prepared to provide that in any shape form or fashion she desires.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Tryingtostayup View Post
              EmptyNester I do have a question for you based off user name what is it like being Empty nester??? we are soon going to be and I was wondering if that changes relationship???? Negatively or Postively or both and how? I often wonder once our children are gone will my wife want more sexually then I can provide??? and if so I need to be prepared to provide that in any shape form or fashion she desires.
              Definitely much more positive than negative. Our transition came during COVID anyway, so we were already around each other most of the day working from home and it had no effect on our relationship. We see each other as our best friend anyway. Once my son was off to school (and COVID restrictions lifted), our weekends are planned around us. We do set aside time to do our own things (i.e. watch sports, own TV shows, shopping, etc), but we always do something together on Saturdays & Sundays. The amount of sex is about that same, but can be more spontaneous with just us here.

              Comment


              • EmptyNester Again thanks for the response. Like you we are also best friends and enjoy each others company and spend much of our time together. With kids we don't get much free time to ourselves, so being spontaneous is a foriegn concept to us, in fact with E.D. we have to be more intentional about what we do sexually, which is something thats tough for her at times because she misses spontaneous, semi-aggressive, stamina filled sex with a reliable firm penis...(my words not hers) but from our talks and her body language I just believe this is how she is feeling. In anycase the information you have provided is great and appreciated. Any insight into future relationship scenarios that we may experience is good to know about and the empty nest will be here very very soon. As I try to improve myself sexually to better meet the needs of my wife, I am keeping an open mind about possible things to do if I am unable in the near future. I just believe she deserves to be as happy as she has made me the last 20 plus years.

                Comment


                • Addressing sexual frustration and erectile dysfunction in a long- term marriage requires open communication, empathy, seeking medical advice, exploring new intimate conditioning, and prioritizing emotional connection.

                  Comment


                  • If talking about this has resulted in your wife having a sort of "it is what it is" attitude, have you considered couples counseling -- whether with a marriage counselor or a sex therapist/counselor? It might be helpful to have someone who can help you both talk about your feelings surrounding this more in-depth and with some objectivity. It could help you both see your sex life in a new light or be able to express thoughts and feelings that haven't really been shared over the years.

                    Comment

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