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Long term marriage with Sexual Frustration and E.D.

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  • Originally posted by Tryingtostayup View Post
    I am a male (50) and my wife is (48) we have been together since I was 21 and she was 19. College sweethearts that dated for almost 8 years and been married ever since. We have 3 kids getting older one in college and 2 in high school. My wife and I have a great relationship and we communicate very well. We are very honest with each other and get along very well, she is my best friend, lover, and wife I always wanted. The one area that we have struggled in since the beginning is sexually, she has only been with 2 other guys in her life, one was with a high school guy she really liked and lost her virginity but it was a quick one, then she me in college, and the last guy was a college guy after i left college since I was older we decided to have an open relationship since i moved out of state. This last guy and her had mostly a sexual relationship since part of our rules was that she had to be discreet. It lasted only 2 months but she had some really good experiences and he was a much better lover for her than I was. I returned to the area and we decided to restore our monogamous relationship. Our relationship blossomed but sexually we struggled and it was mostly me. When I was younger I had many (10+) sexual partners and that was mostly high school and college before I met my wife. Sex back then was different it was not alot about feelings, more attraction and exploration. My ego back then as with most guys was inflated and I didn't pay much attention to their needs but mostly focused on my own needs. It was my wife who changed that but I had trouble expressing it sexually with her. I guess to be specific I had premature ejaculations issues, I wasn't present, low confidence, erection issues, low libido (2 to 3 times a month) etc.... This has gone on for 20 plus years.... Now don't get me wrong we are very intimate and have found ways to find pleasure for her. (vibrators, role play, toys, oral, etc...) This has been a sacrifice and compromise for her since she has had to get use to using toys to get orgasms. She craves a more aggresive, fluid and dominated sexual experience since she has been the dominant one sexually for so long. As for me well, after being married and realizing how poor I have been for her needs I have spent a large majority of the last 20 years trying to be better such as therapy, exercise, meditation, self help, pills....etc and basically nothing has changed. As I mentioned we communicate often and talk often so, we discuss this often since it is basically the one hang nail in what has been a great marriage. My wife's mindset is well I signed up for this so I guess it is what it is..... She basically has a defeated attitude and just assume this is it. Can't blame her though. I am also at a lost to this point, but she has reassured me this is not a dealbreaker and she will be fine. (That's my wife always puts her self last and needs on back burner for me and family!) As I mentioned my kids are older (1 in college) and 2 about to be off to college soon. My E. D. is not physical I am totally healthy and mentally I am good says my therapists and I am just not an aggressive person so it may be hard to bring that out sexually, especially with my wife who I see in a different light like a mom to my kids, and devout wife, especially considering the long term of our relationship. I am at a point in life where I just want happiness for her, she deserves it all and better. So, basically I wanted some thoughts on possibly openning our marriage so she can explore sexually is she so desires. As I said we communicate and have discussed this in the past. Its always been something of a last resort, but not totally ruled out by me or her. Raising a family and a busy schedule not to mention how to even get started with such a thing was too much to even take on and that was 10 years ago... Now with our current situation changing and our kids leaving the nest maybe now its time for her to get what she wants if she desires. Of course this would require much more discussion and communication but I am open to it and want to see if she is as well... Thoughs would be appreciated!
    Hey, just wanted to share some simple advice based on your situation:
    1. Keep talking openly with your wife about your feelings.
    2. Consider seeking help from a therapist.
    3. Try new things to spice up your sex life.
    4. If you're thinking about opening your marriage, set clear boundaries.
    5. Remember to be patient and supportive of each other.
    6. Don't forget to discuss any medications or pills with your doctor.

    Hope this helps



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