[amy40]

so husband has always been so kind & considerate, & is a great dad. In the hospital again......terrible, 10/10 back pain. Turns out I have an infection in spine & blood stream causing pain. Have to go to nursing home for 6 wks due to IV antiobiotic need. Well husband can't handle me being sick! He said "I'm not your caretaker & think we should divorce". Physically, I'm a wreck but now emotionally blindsided!

[jns]

so husband has always been so kind & considerate, & is a great dad. In the hospital again......terrible, 10/10 back pain. Turns out I have an infection in spine & blood stream causing pain. Have to go to nursing home for 6 wks due to IV antiobiotic need. Well husband can't handle me being sick! He said "I'm not your caretaker & think we should divorce". Physically, I'm a wreck but now emotionally blindsided!

I'm sorry to hear this. I hope that the antibiotics have been working to reverse your infection. So much for "in sickness and in health" from your husband. Your husband doesn't have to always be your caretaker, just be concerned and hire someone who will take care of you. That may mean digging into savings or even mortgaging the house if necessary. Sometimes insurance policies can be sold for cash to use in such situations. How is your child taking it?

[amy40]

thanks for reply, jns.......it's almost like he split from me already as he is being the "fun" parent while I'm still in hospital......taking her to movies tonight, school clothes shopping & bike riding this weekend plus teaching her to drive since she got driver's permit......I'm left in the cold
.

[amy40]

my siblings are on my side & also shocked by his behavior.....he wants me to move out & they said if he wants to leave, he should move out! he did say he would financially support me but should I move out of house to apt?

[jns]

my siblings are on my side & also shocked by his behavior.....he wants me to move out & they said if he wants to leave, he should move out! he did say he would financially support me but should I move out of house to apt?

In California where I live, it is community property. Everything accumulated during marriage will be split evenly and you would get alimony. Maybe he will come to his senses.

[Wednesday L.F.]

Wow. That is horrifying.
It’s possible that your husband is simply unable to cope with the fear and worry of an unwell spouse. I almost died twice last year and while my husband handled himself much differently than yours, the stress he was under was considerable and draining.

While I received round the clock care, he was basically alone, helpless, and scared. When that happens, some ppl respond like heroes, and some just don’t.

I would suggest not moving out of your home until or unless you want to. Regardless of how he behaves, you deserve a comfortable place to rest and make yourself well again. He may prove unworthy of you in the end. That sucks, but renewed health and a fresh start may turn out to be great eventually.

[amy40]

Wow. That is horrifying.
It’s possible that your husband is simply unable to cope with the fear and worry of an unwell spouse. I almost died twice last year and while my husband handled himself much differently than yours, the stress he was under was considerable and draining.

so sorry Wednesday that you had a tough year!
my husband also said he's very stressed

[atskitty2]

Being a caregiver is one of the most difficult and stressful things anyone can face in a relationship. Looking at this through the lens of a nurse and caregiver, and watching what the families of my patients experience, I hope I can shed some much-needed light on this, and potentially provide some options for you, as a path back to your husband. Most people expect to face this in their elder years. You both are young, and should be leading vibrant, active lives. Unwellness and disease has, instead, been the focus for many years, as it seems to me.

You've been sick a very long time. You have a history of fibromyalgia, that I'm aware of, and generally being unwell for many years, as you and I have discussed in years past. Recently, I think I remember you describing what I guess was DKA (diabetic keto-acidosis), when you very well could have passed if not reached in time and received proper treatment? So, you're a newly diagnosed diabetic, now learning to deal with a whole new dimension of ill-health and managing that disease to include educating yourself, your family, changing your entire lifestyle and your daily routine. No small feat for anyone in the home, not just yourself.

In all this time, we're talking years here, your husband has carried the weight of this and whether you realize it or not, being sick has brought about an imbalance in the work load in your home. He carries the financial burden, and my guess is that, with your pain history, he often does more than his share around the house too, because you're unable to do things, and care for the home and your child, and HIM, in the way many others can.

Everyone has their limit. Everyone has their breaking point. Seems like he has finally reached his. What you need to realize, and I don't think you do, is that this is not easy for HIM either. He loves you, chose a life-long partner in you, and he's watched you struggle, and now it's all culminating in serious issue after serious issue. It's terrifying to watch! It's mind-jarring to realize that you may lose your partner and sometimes people panic. Sometimes, it's just sheer exhaustion, mentally, physically and emotionally for that partner to watch you go through ONE MORE THING, and they choose to run away.

I won't pretend to know the details of your relationship, but this is pretty standard fare for the chronically ill. I asked the husband of one of my patient's a few weeks ago, after he confided in me their home situation (they have a disabled child at home too). I asked him, "While you're caring for the 2 of them, who's taking care of you?" The man broke down and wept in front of me.
Who's been taking care of your husband? He has needs too! Have you been able to see to his needs while you're so sick? I doubt it. Have the two of you discussed this? Have you acknowledged his sacrifices for you, and really expressed some sincere gratitude for all he's done over these many years? Has he had opportunities to fill his cup over the past several years, or is he just giving and giving and giving and he's just exhausted because he has nothing left to give?

A year and a half ago, I woke up with severe vertigo. Called my man and told him I thought I needed to go to ED and he came immediately to take me. Once he saw me, and then as we sat in the ED for a bit, I could see he was trembling, nearly in tears out of fear for what's wrong with me. Plus, he's pretty squeamish. I was worried too...but, after a bit, I realized that he was in real distress. I told him I was ok - based on what the docs said, nobody thought it was a stroke, please go check on the dogs and get out of here and catch your breath. It meant so much to him that I gave him some assurance and let him go. He was terrified it could be something serious, and he doesn't have the medical background that I do to understand what was happening. He needed me to be ok, and I saw that, and I let him get out of there for a minute with the assurance that there likely wasn't anything seriously wrong.

So, my point is, it's very easy to get very involved in our own suffering, worry and with taking care of ourselves that we forget that those close to us have needs too. Being sensitive and caring about their experience is key to being a couple and walking through this together, vs just sucking the life out of the other person with our own needs. I heard someone describe it like a campfire. We're all around the same fire, but our view of it, the heat we feel and our response to it may be very different.

And now, for the potential resolution. Based on what very little you shared here, I think your husband may be experiencing burnout, or "compassion fatigue" and generally feeling overwhelmed, underappreciated, exhausted, and at the end of his rope. It's been a long road to arrive at this point and it's a long way back to healing. You need to take a long look at the past several years, and really consider all the things that have happened. Really evaluate your relationship as objectively as you can and see what his point of view may be. Just try to understand his experience over the course of your relationship. You need to reach out to him, explain that you recognize the imbalances of the past and express some genuine sense of thankfulness for all his efforts. Tell him that you see the need for changes, and mean it. You need to put in the work here, and not be the "taker" in this relationship any longer.
Marriage is a team effort. Relationships are 2 people moving forward, looking out for each other. When it becomes too one-sided, in the case of people with chronic illnesses, we have to make special effort to take care of each other, recognizing each limitation and not taking advantage. It isn't easy, but it's possible with hard work and commitment from both of you.

I know this is hard for you. You are experiencing physical, mental and emotional challenges and now need to be hyper-sensitive to his needs. This is borne out of years of low attention paid to his needs. It's time to make up for that and extend an effort to acknowledge his needs.

I do wish the best for you, for your health and for your family.