I'm engaged to a wonderful guy who is much older than me (he's 54 I'm 34) who I've been with for 3 years. He's thr most wonderful, caring, sweet and loving man I've ever met. He's White/Mexican and I'm Vietnamese/French.
So..here's my point and question. We have an incredible sex life. He is very attentive in bed to me, always makes me cum first etc...but...he still works as government contractor and is away a lot. We have also wrestled with insecurities..which is where I'm headed with this. Mine, is he's going to not come home one day. I cant bring myself to even type it..but i mean from an accident, etc. . He is going to retire soon, and I am so proud of him..but scared. I have a few quirks , some he likes, some...I'm not sure. One of the ways I deal with my insecurities before he deploys, is I sleep with my hand on his ****. He's pushed my hand away on a couple occasions, but in his sleep. Sometimes when he wakes up though, he smiles and we either end up having sex, or I give him head or jerk him off.( We always sleep tightly wrapped together, and he and I love it.)..I've never asked him about if he pushes my hand away on purpose but it always hurts me a little but the few days before he ships, i cant sleep without holding his ****. Another time I gave him head while he was asleep and I frightened him because he has PTSD.. I feel horrible sometimes, but the one thing I do, and he sometimes gives me a strangle look, is when he cums from a handjob, I want to swallow it all. I'll lick it sperm off my hand or even from a tissue (he's seen me do that and that's when I got a strange look) It's because I'm so scared to lose him, but I don't know why I feel so compelled to do this. I am admittedly a jealous person, but I know he's faithful. I also would never cheat on him..ever. This is one of the strangest things I do and never did anything like this. I'm not sure why I have this obsession with holding his **** and ingesting his cum even not from a blowjob. He's only my second relationship but my forever. Any help understanding would be great.
So..here's my point and question. We have an incredible sex life. He is very attentive in bed to me, always makes me cum first etc...but...he still works as government contractor and is away a lot. We have also wrestled with insecurities..which is where I'm headed with this. Mine, is he's going to not come home one day. I cant bring myself to even type it..but i mean from an accident, etc. . He is going to retire soon, and I am so proud of him..but scared. I have a few quirks , some he likes, some...I'm not sure. One of the ways I deal with my insecurities before he deploys, is I sleep with my hand on his ****. He's pushed my hand away on a couple occasions, but in his sleep. Sometimes when he wakes up though, he smiles and we either end up having sex, or I give him head or jerk him off.( We always sleep tightly wrapped together, and he and I love it.)..I've never asked him about if he pushes my hand away on purpose but it always hurts me a little but the few days before he ships, i cant sleep without holding his ****. Another time I gave him head while he was asleep and I frightened him because he has PTSD.. I feel horrible sometimes, but the one thing I do, and he sometimes gives me a strangle look, is when he cums from a handjob, I want to swallow it all. I'll lick it sperm off my hand or even from a tissue (he's seen me do that and that's when I got a strange look) It's because I'm so scared to lose him, but I don't know why I feel so compelled to do this. I am admittedly a jealous person, but I know he's faithful. I also would never cheat on him..ever. This is one of the strangest things I do and never did anything like this. I'm not sure why I have this obsession with holding his **** and ingesting his cum even not from a blowjob. He's only my second relationship but my forever. Any help understanding would be great.
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