[dsquared]

At the risk of being scorned by many faithful spouses out there I must admit that I am the one that had the affair. It went on for about 2 years. We did have sex, but the main attraction was that I found someone who REALLY listened to me and cared what I had to say.

Some background; First let me say that I agree, there is no excuse or justification for the wrongs that I have done.

My husband and I have been married for nearly 11 years. We have a 17 yr. old from my first marriage (no affair during that one) and 2 of our own, 10 and 8 yrs. old. Our relationship was very good in the beginning, but as the housework, children and both of our jobs put a strain on us our relationship began to suffer. We had an uneven workload at home. I did 90% of the cooking, 90% of the laundry and 100% of the shopping (groceries and supplies). When I would become overwhelmed and try to talk to him about it he would get very defensive and say that he is helping (yes he was doing his 10%) and that it was just the way it is with raising 3 kids and working. It wasn't even so much that I needed more help I just wanted him to hear how tired and overwhelmed I was and not just so, oh well that's just the way it is.

After several years of trying to talk and him not listening or acknowledging my feelings, I stopped trying to talk and figured he was right. That we had a good life (healthy, no money trouble, good jobs) what more could I ask for? Right? So I began to tell myself that it was OK, it's just fine, get over it. This is when our sex life began to get bad. I just didn't want him to touch me. We got along just fine in most ways except for this. I would brace myself for my wifely duties, which is no fun for either of us. This situation has just gotten worse and worse over the years.

We would try to talk about it and couldn't come up with anything. So we figured there had to be something wrong with me. After all our life together was just fine. So it couldn't be anything in our relationship.

so on we went, doing the best we could. the years have been OK, but I realize that the positive, fun loving energetic person that I used to be is no longer here. I can't find her anywhere.

I met this guy at work (I am an engineer and work with mostly guys). We got along well and would just chat at work during free time. As time went on I would look forward to these little conversations more and more. We live in the same time and ran into each other at a local pub. We ended up kissing that night. The next time we talked I told him that I really enjoyed having him as a friend but did not want to have an affiar, that there could be no sex between us. Which we both agreed would be OK, because I don't have any sex drive (remember the problem was me) and he had his own issues (needs a pill) so it shouldn't be a problem.

How silly can you be? As time went on we became closer and closer and I couldn't wait to see him. We could talk about anything and it didn't matter if we agreed or not he wanted to hear what I had to say. WOW.

Well, I think I fell in love with him. In the mean time my husband found out and wants to fix our relationship. We have been working on it for a year now and I must admit that I cannot stop thinking about this other guy. I know that I am lucky to have my husband, but I do not know how to do the right thing. I should admit that I never should have had an affair and forget about this other guy and put my efforts into my marriage. How can you make your heart feel something it won't?

[rcoreyus]

I understand how it can happen, so I can't blame you (and blame isn't really important anyway). What is important is what you should do now.

If it weren't for the children, it would be easy, leave your husband and stay with the man you have found. Better for everyone than the empty-seeming relationship you have now.

But you do have 2 young children. I think you should try to make things work with your husband. (And of course stop the affair). Try, really try to love him again. It sounds like he wants to make things work as well.

See if he will agree to try an experiment for a month - pretend that you are truly in love. Do all the thigns for him (and have him do all the things for you) that you would do if really in love. Don't worry about who is doing most of the work - since you are doing everything you can for him (and him for you). Maybe the act will become a habit, will become real love.

good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

dsquared...

I think the first thing that you have to understand is that you are "not in-love" with this man, rather what he was able to offer you. Years of not being able to communicate and express your feelings with the person your married to. In love with the "idea" that it does exist if only you could find this with your husband.

Some men are typically non-understanding that we live in a world where both work, therefore, it's not physically possibly or mentally possible for one person to carry such a work load at home, kids and 90% of the chores in addition.

We try therefore to excuse him, "the husband" as the oldfashioned way they were bought up, and get on with it but in doing so, resentment comes into play and no way do we want to be intimate with them... We resent them, intimacy is about feeling warm and fuzzy about someone.

So, other people pay the attention we so badly need and we lap it up, some, get themselves into trouble by doing what you did. But, the desire can be so strong, *not for the sexual side, whilst you want that to of what you miss but the feeling of someone is listening, laughing, sharing, caring, with me.. You become attracted totally.

Put this guy in your life as your new man... And, more than likely he would be totally different and slowly become lazy and a non-player as well... It's a completely different scenario when living together.

Seems your still trying 12 months down the track. You've written this because your still thinking about what you had and what you "don't have" and not much has changed?

Communiction is the biggest key to a relationship, with then compromise, from which laughter and love come into it i feel.

If he can't do this then he needs to read up on why it's important before you decide that it's all too much for you and break...

Buy him a book leave it on the toilet seat.. Well? I bet he goes hiding in there for a while...

Like Rcoreyus I'm not going to say "leave" but after 12 months, it truly sounds reading between the lines that not much has changed.

My ex-husband was idential to this, then he would emotionally try to keep me but stating things such as "no one else would put up with you, you better think hard" and stamp like a child, verbally abuse in the end... I spent 7 years trying to get him to be a bit equal... He actually had an accident and for at least 4 of those years was home and did nothing including simply turning a tap on the sprinkler in summer and moving the hose, so there would be one less thing for me to do when I got home.

I don't know the solution because I walked. Then I tried again 6 months later in separate houses thinking that might work but got the same old, now it was "well i do all the driving to you" etc, etc, etc, eat and be content and leave me off course to clean up as well...

Hard. But he does have to get himself together or else he'll the be loser in the end...

What you did was look for emotional love, you didn't go out looking for sexual love...

So don't beat yourself up either.

CW

[dsquared]

thanks

Thank you for the reply. I think you understand my situation quite well.

My husband and I have agreed that our problems stem from communication issues. And from there many other symptoms developed (loneliness, resentment, anger...). So our focus has been on talking over many of the situations that got us in trouble in the past. We have started having weekly family meetings in order to talk about what is coming up for the week and who is doing what. This gets him involved up front rather than relying on him to tell him what to do.

In the past he has always said; "Just tell me what to do, I can't read your mind" I guess I have a problem with telling my "partner" that the table needs to be set before we can eat dinner. It is frustrating, is he another kid that needs to be told what to do?

Either way, the meetings are supposed to help in this area. He is much more involved in the day to day stuff that needs to be done and isn't just waiting for me to tell him what to do.

My BIG issue is how to get over the past. I am seeing improvements in him; he is more involved and is more appreciative. But I just can't seem to let go of the past. With the changes that I have seen I had hoped that I would begin to feel differently toward him. But I haven't. I really miss not having someone that can comfort me physically. Just a big hug that makes you feel like everything will be OK. But I cannot stand to have him touch me. This feeling must change for our relationship to really work. It really worries me that this part is not changing.

[Devo]

At the risk of being scorned by many faithful spouses out there I must admit that I am the one that had the affair. It went on for about 2 years. We did have sex, but the main attraction was that I found someone who REALLY listened to me and cared what I had to say.

Some background; First let me say that I agree, there is no excuse or justification for the wrongs that I have done.

.....

We would try to talk about it and couldn't come up with anything. So we figured there had to be something wrong with me. After all our life together was just fine. So it couldn't be anything in our relationship.

.....

Which we both agreed would be OK, because I don't have any sex drive (remember the problem was me) and he had his own issues (needs a pill) so it shouldn't be a problem.

Ok first, I want to touch on the subject of self-esteem. You are an extremely motivated person. Observe with me:

• You have 3 children who have grown up in a household with 2 parents, more than a lot of families can say.
• You are an engineer, and a female one at that. I will be entering my 3rd year of Engineering, and it is tough, especially in a male dominated field.
• You understand yourself so incredibly well; you realise that you needed an outlet to talk and share your feelings, not just a "fool-around" friend.

The problem is not you, and to say that "So we figured there had to be something wrong with me." is absurd. Like I already said, you are not the problem, this is a problem with the relationship. And just like any other problem, it can be analysed and fixed. In fact, to borrow a quote from Bob the Builder: "Can we fix it? Yes we can!"


Everything that the above posters have said is awesome advice. I just wanted to add a little extra from a personal experience of mine. When I was about 12 my parents didn't get along very well so they brought us to group therapy (my brother too). At this, and some private sessions, they recommended that my parents seek their love and passion again (I was 12, I said "Yucky!" haha). But when they said this, they also told my brother and I "You 2 will be adults soon, and it is important that you learn how to keep up a house".

As a result, my brother and I took up the cooking, laundry, cleaning, painting etc. for a good 2 years my brother and I did 100% of the housework. Which in reality, was not that much. You said you have 3 children? 17, 10 and 8. Let your 17 year old know flat out what is happening and that you need help with X, Y, Z. You have raised him/her, and you are obviously a good mother, so why would they say no? (albeit at 17 I was a bit rebellious, but I still listened to reason). Then your 10 and 8 year old can help out where they can, maybe not mowing the grass, but try laundry? or setting the table etc.

Good luck

[EmotionsRvalid]

You did it- you can fix it

Dear dsquared I respect that you have such a sense of accountability. That will serve you well as you act on it. What you did was wrong and makes things 100% harder than what it would have been otherwise. It may on the other hand be the challenge that lights a fire under him to make him move.
Everyone has different needs and desires. My wife LOVES shoes, being safe, warm, spending money, and having me listen to her and spend time with her. If I provide those things she responds and I'm the bomb. She can't get enough of me. I know that. I can do that. I learned this by listening to really understand her. And by paying attention to what "lights her up".
I don't care much about shoes. I like it cold (I'm half Swedish). I like to do things that are challenging and exciting. I love bonding by accomplishing things together and overcoming conflicts and challenges. Her needs don't make her "bad" and neither do mine.
Often times we give people what we like, not what they like or need. Have you ever bought a girlfriend a gift that you wanted to keep? Aren't they easy to buy for? It's easy!! With a spouse you need to get understanding. Communication is supposed to be the catch all that fixes everything- it's not. It's understanding. Our actions are the indicator to our spouse whether or not they're important to us. We can say "I love you" or "you mean the world to me" but if your actions don't match it's .
People (including your spouse) need to feel like they are important to you. If you want to make someone feel that they are important- listen to them (you know all about this one = ) ), don't interrupt, ask questions that help you to understand them and their needs. Doing this will make it obvious to them that you feel they are important by your actions. I can't stress how important it is to people to feel important. Some people go through years of school to get a degree to feel important. Others train in an olympic event to get that feeling. Image how loved you'll be by others if you give them this feeling!
Now, the opposite. If you want people to despise you, resent you and talk bad about you behind your back here's what you do... Do ALL the talking, interrupt them as soon as your thoughts or feelings come to mind, boss others around and tell them how unimportant, lazy and ineffective they are. And with a spouse, quit trying, give up and invest your efforts with someone else and tell them how wonderful the affair was compared to them.
Your husband is lacking a social skill of listening. You are obviously a smart person- teach him. Start by giving him something fun to listen too. You know like a beginner exercise. Let's think of something more fun and enjoyable to listen to than just you and how hard your life is. Talk about him (to start) and what things you appreciate and admire about him. If you are too resentful to bring up recent "him" talk about the him you chose to marry. Things he did, said, made you feel etc. in the beginning when things were good as you stated earlier would be a good start.
As far as accountability what he did by not listening to you was wrong by behavior. That's obvious, but what behaviors if any did you do that contributed to him not wanting to listed to you? When you were dating I bet he listened. I've noticed a tendency (except in lives of self actualizing people) of spouses to behave differently with each other than with others. I KNOW you spoke differently with your affair than you did with your man. It's just easier.
People tend take advantage of a relationship over time and expect more slack because they "should" know me well enough to give me some slack and besides I cut them slack all the time..... slackers! Nobody wants that, but we all do it. Guys can learn social skills especially if there's a lot to lose. The only thing in your way is you. I tell you what, if you run off with your affair you'll be wondering "who is her talking to?" "who does he work with?" You stated you didn't want sex in the begining- you got sex anyway. Once the pressures of life create slack between you and affair- guess what? Heart ache, pain, loss, all over again. It will litterally be what comes around goes around for you. You created a mess that will repeat and repeat even in your children unless you learn what lessons YOU need from this experience. Lucky for you- you're smart enough and driven enough to do it without all the pain. I hope I'm right in that for your children's sake. They are the only innocent ones in this mess. They will find out about you in time hopefully when they're older. Your actions teach them that what you did is OK, fine, good, the way to go etc. It's up to you to teach them otherwise. Otherwise there's plenty of pressure on them as it is, and they'll follow your example. Take action against that. It sucks and you may feel like a hypocrite as you think about it etc. but everyone especially you will feel better after. You'll be more free from inner conflict that preocupies the mind and slows you down. You'll be free to be happy and upright inside and out. Hidden joys of life will be made known to you and you'll be in position to feel them. I'm so sorry you have chosen such a path that makes you feel the emptiness the you feel. Please forgive me if I overstepped any bounds and offended you- I don't know you, but would like to help you. Thank you for your listening to my advice- I love you. Love and blessings!