[worlddworld17]

Hi. This is my first post. I am living with the father of my 2 daughters. He is mentally abusive,and needs to have control over everything. I have been un happy for many years. Our older daughter is 14 and the younger one is 10. We live in a nice home and a nice neighborhood with good schools. I am so trapped because everything is his and even though I work and my money goes in the house everything is still his. He is always telling me I mooch off of him because I live in his house. I don't ask him for a dime, nor do I ask him to do any driving, meetings, etc. for the kids. Why haven't I left? GUILT. I feel terrible because I could never afford to live in the neighborhood that we live in and the kids just got settled in their schools. Through the years he has always told them that if mommy don't do anything wrong they will always have the best. If I leave then I am low class trash and a bad mother because we would have to live in a apartment. The kids don't want to do that because of our dog. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't here so they would not have to deal with the fighting and the worring about getting thrown out. Last time we fought he xld my car insurance,health insurance,cell phones,and put the house on the market.I can honestly say I hate where I am in life.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

worlddworld17

Firstly welcome to this Forum, we will be here for you to vent, get mad and talk things through over this and I'm sorry for your situation.

I know that the hardest thing for you is that you are doing this for your children and for 4 - 6 years longer, you think you will be able to cope with this and stick it out and I believe that you have come to the end of it, you can't take much more, hense posting this.

Your husband thinks and has always thought that he "owns you".

And, you have put up with this for way too long. To say to the children "IF MOMMY DON'T DO ANYTHING WRONG YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE BEST" ? That's abuse, emotional blackmail.

He is and has been using ABUSE... He is ABUSIVE.

Firstly, can I ask you a few things. Has he ever shown this or made such statements as you are stating above in front of any of your friends or family?

Can you prove that you have put money into the home?

AND, on that note, that's rubbish anyway, a good lawyer will ensure you don't suffer financially.

Do you have support from your family, to talk to about all of this, are they there for you no matter what decision you make?

Would they, could they take the dog for instance and your children can visit when ever?

There are lots of ways out of things when you can sit down and think clearly and realise it.

I was in an ABUSIVE "EMOTIONAL" Marriage.. EVERYTHING was his as well, even though I contributed.. He would verbally also be abusive, you are nothing, no-one will ever want you, you better think about this is your planning to leave... pfffttt I left and he's suffering trust me, not me. He wasn't a bad person, as such, just controlling, everything was his, a batchelor, who thought those words, ways would make me stay but i walked on egg shells for 7 years, gave back what for as well, but in the end my self esteem lowered and once that happened i walked, and regained it in 30 days.

I was amazed at the support, help and ideas that came flooding through and made me realise i wasn't stuck there at all, i could do this.

You need to

1) Seek professionals legal advice
2) Realise regardless you'll have a breakdown if you don't do something soon
3) Continue to be weak as he has made you
4) Realise you have a "fighting spirit" or you would never have written this
5) Realise there is help and hope and YOU CAN change things
6) Find solutions to the problems by asking, seeking and talking
7) The kids are old enough to stand on their own two feet, he, I am sure will never not give to them he is controlling he owns them to
8) They will see when they mature what you went through and understand even if not so much now
9) You are just as important as they are
10) You have support, just here from a Forum to listen to you


See this is as a, "that's it, I've had enough, so what are my options how do i do this and do this right"...

This man does NOT own you, your not a slave okay and he will live a miserable existance for the rest of his life, once you have gone, whilst you will have your own rooms, be your own person, be estatic at no more abuse, things being taken away from you ever again.

Your energy and happiness will shine through onto your kids and they will see it and be happier people too..

Have a think about some of those things.

CW

[rcoreyus]

I agree with what CW said. In addition, your children will be better off in a cheap apartment with a parent who cares for them, then in a fancy house with an abusive father. He is abusing you, he may start abusing them.

[silvertae]

Additionally, you don't want your daughters growing up thinking this is the way men are supposed to treat women. I think people's relationships are often molded by what they saw in their parents' relationship and this is clearly not healthy. Show those girls what a strong, capable woman such as yourself can and should do in such a situation. Take action and get out.

[SorridLives]

I agree with everyone else who posted before me....
Money is not everything. You have to have your children grow up knowing you deserve respect and knowing how people should treat each other, especially when in a relationship/marriage. What is best for you is probably best for them, in the long run.

[maz33]

Additionally, you don't want your daughters growing up thinking this is the way men are supposed to treat women. I think people's relationships are often molded by what they saw in their parents' relationship and this is clearly not healthy. Show those girls what a strong, capable woman such as yourself can and should do in such a situation. Take action and get out.

I agree with EVERYTHING mentioned in the above posts but silvertae said exactly what I was going to. Hit the nail on the head.

No doubt about it, you need to get yourself and your kids out of there. I don't think there's any point giving you reasons to leave because you've stated them yourself already. For your kids' sakes as much as your own, don't allow him to control you any longer!

Please get in touch with a womens refuge if you have no family to help you. Don't hang around out of fear of your husband and fear of the unknown, go and restart your life while you can!

Good luck

[Joy]

Hey hun so sorry this is how you are forced to live. Your husband has such a low self esteem this lil bit of power he thinks he has he totally abuses it. When we love someone everything we have we would give to them to make their life better not hold it over their head.

Get your thoughts in order realize what you really deserve and get you and your girls to a place that is full of love not hate.

hope to hear from you more good luck

[Lakerat]

They pretty much coverd it all. But like they said, is it worth taking the chance of your daughters growing up and thinking this is normal? Would you want your daughters to live your life?

Life is never easy,its full of choices and usually the ones that are best for us require the most effort and are sometimes the hardest to do.

Nice cloths and money etc is great. But what about respect of outhers,self respect,confidence,standing up for yourself,morals and teaching kids there is more to life than material things. Remember this.... IF YOU DONT STAND UP FOR YOURSELF NOBODY ELSE WILL

There are worse things in life than not having the best of everything.

[CANDIGALE]

been there

Here is a short version of my ex husband. We have 2 boys together aged 3 and 5, we had both of our boys before we got married(we were together 5 years, married 6 months) and he reccomended i quit working when i got pregnant with my first son, he is a very succesful business owner and not to mention his family owns half of the small town of Athens GA and i am not from GA, from FLA. I complied with him, he built usa brand new house, bought everything his parents didnt, and while i was living a very lush life i was unhappy..had my first baby and was pretty much alone on that one because he always worked and he had forced me to outcast all my friends and family because of public opinions(they were not wealthy like his own, and my friends were townies compared to his sorority/frat boy friends who became my friends even though i didnt like them. I wasnt allowed to go out he didnt give me any money and put me down because i didnt have any income, claimed all of our belongings were his and so on. Well when we got divorced i caved which i should have never done he got everything and i mean everything i walked away with clothes, a table and a few dishes becuase i thought he was right but in the end i messed up big time, because my kids suffered from my ity.

Here is my advice first and foremost : GET YOUR NAME ON THE IMPORTANT THINGS AND NEVER UNDERESTIMATE YOURSELF, YOU HAVE HELPED BUILD THAT HOUSE INTO A HOME WITH YOUR KIDS AND IF HE IS ABUSIVE LIKE MY EX(I HAD POST PARTUM DEPRESSION SO BAD, I BECAME PHYSICALLY ILL BECAUSE OF THE HARSH WORDS HE USED)GET OUT AS FAST AS YOU CAN BUT GET ALL YOUR FINANCES IN ORDER, OPEN A SEPERATE CHECKING ACCOUNT AND START PUTTING BACK MONEY SO YOU WILL HAVE A CUSHION AND PLEASE IF YOU DONT TAKE ANY OF THE OTHER ADVICE PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE ON SPEAKING WITH A LAWYER BEFORE YOU MAKE ANY DRASTIC DECISIONS, BECAUSE IF HE IS THAT CONTROLLING OF THE MATERIAL THINGS HE MIGHT TRY TO TAKE YOUR KIDS FROM YOU, I NEVER THOUGHT MY EX WOULD DO THAT IN A MILLION YEARS BECAUSE HE NEVER SPENT ANY TIME WITH OUR BOYS BUT HE SUCCEEDED JUST TO HURT ME FOR LEAVING HIM..

GOOD LUCK

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Here is a short version of my ex husband. We have 2 boys together aged 3 and 5, we had both of our boys before we got married(we were together 5 years, married 6 months) and he reccomended i quit working when i got pregnant with my first son, he is a very succesful business owner and not to mention his family owns half of the small town of Athens GA and i am not from GA, from FLA. I complied with him, he built usa brand new house, bought everything his parents didnt, and while i was living a very lush life i was unhappy..had my first baby and was pretty much alone on that one because he always worked and he had forced me to outcast all my friends and family because of public opinions(they were not wealthy like his own, and my friends were townies compared to his sorority/frat boy friends who became my friends even though i didnt like them. I wasnt allowed to go out he didnt give me any money and put me down because i didnt have any income, claimed all of our belongings were his and so on. Well when we got divorced i caved which i should have never done he got everything and i mean everything i walked away with clothes, a table and a few dishes becuase i thought he was right but in the end i messed up big time, because my kids suffered from my ity.

Here is my advice first and foremost : GET YOUR NAME ON THE IMPORTANT THINGS AND NEVER UNDERESTIMATE YOURSELF, YOU HAVE HELPED BUILD THAT HOUSE INTO A HOME WITH YOUR KIDS AND IF HE IS ABUSIVE LIKE MY EX(I HAD POST PARTUM DEPRESSION SO BAD, I BECAME PHYSICALLY ILL BECAUSE OF THE HARSH WORDS HE USED)GET OUT AS FAST AS YOU CAN BUT GET ALL YOUR FINANCES IN ORDER, OPEN A SEPERATE CHECKING ACCOUNT AND START PUTTING BACK MONEY SO YOU WILL HAVE A CUSHION AND PLEASE IF YOU DONT TAKE ANY OF THE OTHER ADVICE PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE ON SPEAKING WITH A LAWYER BEFORE YOU MAKE ANY DRASTIC DECISIONS, BECAUSE IF HE IS THAT CONTROLLING OF THE MATERIAL THINGS HE MIGHT TRY TO TAKE YOUR KIDS FROM YOU, I NEVER THOUGHT MY EX WOULD DO THAT IN A MILLION YEARS BECAUSE HE NEVER SPENT ANY TIME WITH OUR BOYS BUT HE SUCCEEDED JUST TO HURT ME FOR LEAVING HIM..

GOOD LUCK

I'll back that up there CANDIGALE
I also mentioned Lawyers.

My girlfriend has 3 children is a great Mum, after 12 years of her ex-husband hidding his finances, using hers, etc, it seems that the person he has now been with for 15 months, since the separation, had worked for him and off course we know what we feel there, ie) longer than 15 months.

He has threatened to 1) claim that he is poor and can't pay for the children and then later 2) take them away from her claiming to use her emails of anger, as an un-fit mother and off course he is getting re-married in 6 months and I know through bitterness he wants those children..

I am so, so sorry for what you have had to go through yourself.

CW