[Disco]

I have been with my partner over a year now. We get along great and everything was fine until a couple of days ago.
We've almost always had unprotected sex. I cannot go on the pill and we don't like condoms. So a few days ago he asked me if I'm ovulating and I am around that time, yes. He went kind of weird and I think he wanted to me to take a pregnancy test.

The day after that we had sex again. And well, I feel weird telling this cause it's so personal, but he said he was really sensitive and could feel precome come out. It could have been sensitive cause due to some reasons we cannot have sex that often anymore. One, two times a week maybe.

Anyway, he kept pulling out and I said let's stop then a couple of times but he insisted on going on til the end. So we did.

After the sex he asked me to take the morning after pill. I absolutely can't stand the idea of the pill. One thing is that it makes you so so sick and wreck's your body. I have problems with my health as it is and have to take tablets everyday to feel normal and function. Anyway I cried and said I would take the pill since he said it was very serious.

Anyway, I couldn't get the doctor's appointment and decided against it since I hated the idea anyway.

When I told him about it he was very "hurt" and "disappointed", he said so.
He said my reasons were naive and idiotic and that I didn't see the seriosity of the situation.
I told him that I'd rather have a baby than take the pill. he said I cannot have a baby without discussing it with him first.
He also said I don't seem to care at all that I might be pregnant. I know it's his biggest fear and he said he'd do anything to make sure I'm not pregnant. I told him the not caring business was all in his head cause all he cares about is me not being pregnant so anything else looks like not caring to him.

Anyway, he was angry at first and left but came back cause he left something behind and we...kind of..eased out the situation and he spent the night at my house but...today is so bad again he said he was depressed until I get my period and if I don't he'll feel sucidal.

My problem is that I'm not that scared about the pregnancy myself. I just feel bad for hurting him. He didn't full on blame me, cause I wouldn't even have to take the pill now if we had used a condom, so it's not all my "fault".

I just feel like we cannot support each other when it comes to our biggest fears - his is pregnancy and mine is medicine and bad health. I feel relieved that I didn't take the pill but it kills me to see him in all the misery, so.... any advice?! i don't know what to do with him or what to say.
It's about two weeks til my period.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Disco, welcome to the Forum.

It seems you both have different ideas of "what if it happens".

It seems your boyfriend is scared and not ready for a child whereby you are not.

I think whether you like it or not, when two people don't agree on something as big as this and it is a big decision, then you have to find alternative birth control methods, instead of condoms or birth control pills.

Please go and discuss this with your Doctor as there are other methods out there that may work for you.

I am not sure why you can't go on the pill, but perhaps you may feel like mentioning that here as well, in-case we can guide you on that note.

You can always look at your options later down the track for having a baby again, when you both together, feel it's right...

If you continue this way, he will continue to feel anxiety over it.

I am not sure why he has stated "suicidal", can you elaborate on that, do you really think that he would be?

If so, this is another reason to view your options... If it's serious in that regard.

I moved your thread to birth control from Mental Health for people to assist guide you in that direction, but not withstanding that I'm concerned that he feels suicidal and that posters should take that into consideration as well when posting a reply.

CW

[Disco]

Yes, we have very different ideas. We've known that before this mess. We never planned to have babies or like have a marriage. Just a casual young people relationship without any long long-term commitment. That we both agreed on.

I know unplanned pregnancies are really common as well as pregnancy scares.
We were just chancing it all the time.
I cannot go on the pill cause they make me really really sick. I've tried a few different ones. My doctor also recommended an injection, but I'm only young and haven't given birth and since I hate all medications cause I'm really sensitive to most things then I didn't want to have that either.
And neither of us like condoms. I know it's stupid, but well what can you do now. And I don't want to take the morning after pill cause I know it can have an abortive effect. I just don't support it.

I posted it in the Mental Health section cause I wanted more advice and reassurance on the emotional level. Not so much on contrceptives.

I don't know if we'll be together after it's all finished. I guess it depends on if I'm pregnant or not.

His view on life with pregnancy is that I have to meet his family and he has to meet mine and like he worries what his mother will say and things like that. But I think my point of view is affected by my own childhood, cause I'm raised only by my mother and I've told my partner if he's ever freaked out pregnancy he can just let go of me and live his life without the baby. I'm absolutely fine being a single mum. I know it might sound selfish, but that's the way I feel.

I am not naive, I know life will be really difficult financially but I don't look at a child as a burden. I will not die or starve or become homeless. There will be a way to survive.

So yeah, my biggest problem right now is my boyfriend. I don't know if he will actually try and do something, like killing wise. But he really is upset. I've never seen him like that. The suicidal thing he texted to me when I asked how he was.

I just want to make him feel better somehow. I want him to be with me all the time so I can see him, what he feels like and I don't want him to be around his mates in case they tell him something negative about the whole thing and make him feels worse.

His nervousness is actually making me nervous about pregnancy aswell cause he is just so negative about it. I don't really want to be nervous cause this can mess around with my periods and we don't need anymore panic.

[Disco]

Sorry for double post but I wanted to say sorry for typing mistakes. My head is all over the place right now.

[kira]

I think he has plenty of reason to be scared. Neither of you are ready to have a child. Have you thought this through? There is a whole lot more than just not ending up homeless or starving. It's a lot of stress that can cause people who are at a point they want children to end up seperating much less those that are at disagreement. Babies cry, throw up, poop, and need fed constantly and children continue to need constant attention and good parenting. There's lots that children need besides money. Even if we ignore the fact a lifestyle of being excessively poor can cause it's own barriers growing up having a stable relationship between the parents makes a big difference. If you are arguing now you will probably end up raising a child in a home full of arguments. For you there will be no more late night dates, minimal sex, no taking off for the weekend or vacation last minute.... A child is 24/7 work for years plus 9 months of restrictions and discomfort. If your boyfriend ends up leaving it will be that much harder and your plans of casual dating while young will be severely impacted.

Among those pregnancy restrictions are many medications. I don't know what you are taking but it may not be suggested during pregnancy. You may end up not being able to take your medication or risk a child with mental or physical disabilities. I know I would never be able to survive pregnancy. It takes all sorts of medications for me to fall asleep and have a normal life. I cannot function without them. All of them could impact a pregnancy. Just the genetics that lead to my health problems are enough of an obstacle I think it would be cruel to pass on both those genetics and the difficulties that my taking medication during pregnancy would create for the child.

Your boyfriend is right. You should worry about getting pregnant. You should look in to better birth control. There are enough children born without planning and to parents that aren't ready. Many could have a much better start to life if someone just used birth control better. Surviving is far different from thriving and having a good life. I really don't think you've thought about this enough.

[Disco]

I know what it's like having a baby in the house. I was 15 when my mother had my brother. So I know how to take care of a baby and live with it. I used to baby sit a lot and I've worked as a baby sitter.

I don't really go out at all. I don't mind not having a social life. I've been quiet and a loner all my life. I know babies aren't all fun and cute, but I could manage. I know it.

I do realise that having a child is a big responsibility and I do agree with my boyfriend, but at this stage I don't want to be freaking out cause things are not certain. And I certainly don't want to be as paranoid as him, ready to kill myself.

And, I'm sorry, I know you were just sharing your opinion but ...I know all of that stuff, but my problem is my boyfriend's feelings. I want to make him feel better somehow. And I don't want to blame him for anything but, I mean, we were both there when we had the chance to use a condom, so I find it a bit unfair he's upset with me for not taking the pill.

It's not like I'm completely care free. I'd so rather not have the baby at this time but if I have to choose between becoming pregnant or making myself sick with tablets then I choose the baby.

I ended up in hospital with ulcers a few years ago. I was so nervous and freaked out cause the doctor told me I have problems with hormones and I might not be able to have children. That was far more depressing to me than the thought of being pregnant now.

I'm a worrier as it is but I just naturally do not worry too much about pregnancy at the moment. I cannot help it, that's just the way I feel.

And if we do get past this without a baby and we will still be together we most certainly will be using condoms.

He has never ejaculated in me, we've used the withdrawal method. As we did this time now. I'm just thinking for some reason he is more paranoid this time than any other time, but the chances are the same. He's worried cause he felt that the pre-cum went inside me. He hasn't really pulled out and been worried like that before. A few times maybe. I'm just thinking since we don't have sex that often now he becomes more sensitive after sex and can feel the precum come out more. I mean there's always something coming out before sperm to...grease the wheels and he almost never kicks up a fuss about it.

And as for medications I don't think I'd be allowed to take them, but for the baby I'd be ready to give them up or maybe find something I can take.

[Mes T]

I know you said you don't want replies to focus on the birth control part but I just feel I should mention... The morning after pill is NOT an abortion pill, it's designed to prevent implantation, which is a different issue altogether.

Have you considered a copper IUD? It's a small copper T that is inserted into the uterus and emits NO hormones, so you shouldn't feel ill from it.

And btw pre-cum is filled with sperm.

[Disco]

Hmh, I think it should be more public and more talked about that the morning after pills can work as abortion pills. I know they're not made especially for that but I hear it's a really hush hush thing about them. As far as I know the only things that prevent implatation and that I can use are condoms.

I'm not sure I've heard of the copper IUD. Can this be used when you haven't given birth?

[WildChild]

Since you are only having sex a couple times a week go into family planning and get a diaphram. I had one for quite a few years, they work great - provided you use them properly, which isn't difficult.

[kira]

You said you had to take pills to feel normal and function so I don't understand why it would be no big deal to stop taking them for 9months. That's a long time to suffer health problems while also having your body and emotions under stress. You wouldn't want to end up having to be induced early or something because your body can't handle the stress. It would be better to get any physical problems under control and stop the medication before conceiving. If you are pregnant the fetus is also being impacted right now by everything you put in your body and all medications have a withdrawal period so it's important to know these things asap if you are on any medication.

The only way you are going to improve his feelings is to be more certain you won't get pregnant until he's ready for a child. No it's not just your fault a condom wasn't used but it's just as much your fault if you get pregnant. If he's not ready for it then you have to be prepared for him to do something stupid or just plain leave should it happen. Whether morning after pills cause abortion depends on your definition. They often don't work more than 48hours after you have sex so the egg has not actually turned in to anything. It's still a single round blob that has just joined with a sperm cell and has not attached to the wall of the uterus. Whether you consider that to mean abortion is an entirely different discussion.

Really whether you want to talk about birth control or not your relationship problem is about birth control. If he's talking about suicide you are not going to convince him having a child now is a good thing. Nothing you say is going to help that situation nearly as much as what actions you take to lessen his fears. If he's talking suicide he's probably not mature enough to be a father now anyway and this will only end badly.

Doctors prefer to put IUDs in women who have given birth just in case something goes wrong (mostly during insertion) but the odds of that these days are very low. I had an IUD placed but mine was hormonal like pills instead of like the copper ones and my body did not like it so eventually shoved it out. Odds are greater you'll have something naturally wrong with your reproductive tract that will interfere with getting pregnant than complications that severe from an IUD. If you are having hormone or reproductive tract problems birth control pills actually help and some women would not be able to have children if they didn't take hormonal birth control in between pregnancies. They aren't all bad. Some people just take awhile to find one that they tolerate well. I'm extremely sensitive to medication and have to take 1/4th the usual dose of everything but I've found birth control pills that work and have taken them since early highschool with my only problems being times I tried to switch from what was working.

There are also female condoms, cervical caps, diaphragms, spermicide, etc.... There are plenty of forms of birth control beyond hormones that will at least make withdrawal more effective and possibly unnecessary. Sperm can come out before and after ejaculation so you really aren't improving your odds much by only relying on withdrawal. It at least needs to be paired with the rhythm method so you are making sure you aren't having sex around when you are fertile to really lessen the odds of getting pregnant. Even then such methods are best practiced by people with a stable relationship and economic situation who are ready to raise a child since the odds still aren't as good as pretty much any other method. If your partner isn't on board or you aren't yet in a good situation to have a child then you really need to look more in to birth control. There are lots of options.