[Sashiku]

Ok, truthfully, this is going to be a long post. I know some details in here will belong in different forums, but I can't tell it in bits. It is one very long story, that leads up to a question.

When i was around 22, I went to my doctor and told her about my problem. They looked all over and didn't find any birth defects or anything, so they put me on some pill. *i cant recall the name* All i obtained from it was some spotting and throbbing pain, so much that i could hardly do daily chores. So, I quit it. I couldn't deal with it, and I didn't think I would ever want a child. *we will get to that later* So, I have just spend 47 hours in a hospital with my 16 year old cousin, giving birth to her 6 pound, one ounce baby. Then, after all that, and only around 30 minutes of sleep through all of it, Something in my mind clicked, and I started crying on the way to the car. It's like my mind and heart are telling me that I want a baby. I just woke up from an 11 hour nap, and I still feel it. But I don't know what to do. There are so many things that make it seem I'm just not ready.

My body isn't really matured. I get guessed at age 13 nearly everyday of my life.

I am not sure I would be a good mom. I can be pretty immature sometimes, and even a bit stubborn, and selfish.

I have been visually impaired since birth. I can get around fine on my own, but I am not allowed to drive, which is kinda required.

I just came to stay with my mom 4 years ago because she got cancer, and the radiation ate through her insides. Taking care of her can be hard sometimes, and I'm not always in the mood to do it.

I feel scared around babies. Scared that I will hold them wrong, or that someone will drop them, or just... I don't know. I worry a lot around them.

I don't like dating. I am Asexual. So, having a baby isn't really possible now is it?

I find it hard to get away from the computer. I've had absolutely nothing to do for 4 years because I've been stuck here with no money to do anything, and i found the computer, and bam, I was addicted. Before this, I camped, went swimming, had a garden, and took okay care of myself with a tiny bit of assistance in sweeping and dusting. *can't see dust very well* I want to break my computer habit, and I will, as soon as I get on my own again.

The baby might have eye problems like me, and I don't want it to go through what I did.

I've gained about 40 pounds since I moved in with my mom, mostly because she hates eating healthy, and if i see something sweet, I have no self control if I want it badly enough. When i shopped for myself, I tried to eat healthy, and as a matter of fact, I was only 118 pounds when i moved in. Now i am 180, and I am hoping to get it off soon, but first i need to break my bad habit of being on the computer so much.

I have back pain a lot. So when I walk, I can't go more than about a half block before my back is throbbing.

I am pretty childish. I still sleep with my stuffed kitty at night, and even like to sit on the swings at the playground. *I look 13 so no one ever stares.*

I'm 28, and in a month, 29. maybe I am too old to start this.

Money is very tight right now. We are below the poverty line.

How will I raise it right? I mean, I have no idea what to do when the child acts up, or what if they make a mess, and I can't see well enough to clean all of it up?

What if it gets sick? I get kinda grossed out about vomit, and things of that matter.

I can be pretty darn lazy.

Raising kids has changed so much. There are shootings in schools, and kids murdering kids. How can i keep him/her away from all the violence?

~~Well those are pretty much all my doubts. Here are my positive thoughts.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can be a very fun, hyperactive person when I want to be.

I would love to share my love, home, and heart with another human being.

The cousin I just saw have a baby, I took care of her off and on since she was 8, and I see her as my daughter sometimes. I did mess up, quite a few times, but I think she turned out pretty good, with good values.

My mom would help out, She loves children very much, and was a good mother to me.

I can be responsible if I want to be.

As soon as I can, I am going to attend community college for Art, and Animation. It's my dream to be a famous animator.

Yesterday i spent hours getting the mother barf bags. I think I am slowly conquering my fear of it.

My mom is doing better, she no longer has cancer, and she just got surgery to fix part of the problem. She is able bodied now pretty much, but really skinny, and kinda weak.

I took a cooking class in highschool, for 3 years straight, So I know how, I just need to practice to remember.

Once i loose some weight, I want to get outdoor active again.

My heart is just full of hope.

I can admit to all my faults. I am truthful. Once in a while I might stretch the truth, but I nearly always end up telling them the truth, if I don't right then, I do eventually.

I would fight for what I believe. I am not afraid to speak my mind.

I can admit that I am scared. Scared either I will never be ready, and regret never giving birth. Scared that I will have a child, and completely mess it up, be a terrible mother, and have regret.

I saw the pain she had, I watched the birth live, I had no feeling of disgust, all i felt was warm and fuzzy. i want to experience it more than anything.

Well that's all. One more thing to add is, Since my eyes aren't so great, my sense of smell and hearing, are tripled. I could hear babies crying in that hospital, over 6 doors away, and I can smell great. I can smell brownies being made if I'm sitting on the stairs outside. *we live in an apartment*

Sorry for so much text, I just REALLY need help on this. I am nearly in tears just writing this, because I am so confused.

PS: a lady at the hospital asked me if i was having my baby today, and touched my stomach. I said no, but I really liked her hand being there, and I can't explain why.

[Sashiku]

I forgot to mention a few things. I took another nap, and realized what I forgot to say. My mother will be coming into some money soon, and I will be receiving some as well, because I paid rent for a couple years, and am getting it all back from our attorney. After this, we are getting 2 houses, either side by side, or back to back. We will pay our houses in full hopefully, and only have utilities to pay. Then, we should be about mid class. Also, hopefully the animation thing will work out. I am not saying i want a baby NOW, I am just saying... Soon.

[Guest]

OMG!! Were nearly the same!!
Im sorry I dont know how to anwser your question but you just sound so much like me ^_^
Im only 19. But have been visually impared since birth (with back problems). I cant drive or do many simple things like order off a menue and stuff. And im dependent on my mom or sisters to take me places. Iv gained a lot of wieght since I graduated high school because I have nothing to do besides the computer. I cant see my friends and im alone all day. I have 'normal periods' but I always have issues with timing and cramps all month (sometimes its so bad I feel like knives are scratching my insides) That makes me know pretty sure theres something not right. But my mom always says its nothing or a little cyst O_o. I think it has to do with medication I had to take when i was younger for my eyes (guinnie pig) wich was only tested on me because i was the first case my doctors had seen of a child with such bad sight issues.. Im really short 5'1. 180 pounds And have always been mistaken for being way too young. And I guess im sort of imature too. But I know not to be when I feel like it. Luckly im getting some help now and will be able to move into my own apartment for the first time by the end of the year. I havnt ever been interested in relationships even though I am attracted to 'dream' men lol.
I know im pretty young. And people see me as way young but ever since my sister had her first baby 2 years ago I have been craveing for my own (she was 17/18 at the time). Im not sue if its a women thing and my brains switching to offspring gear or not. I want a child befor im 25. I love my nephew so much! And just being there for his birth made go crazy with feeling and thoughts! But with not haveing intrest in a partner and my limitations im scared at the same time. (sperm bank anyone?) I think I have a lot of the same fears you have with the uncertainty of how you could care for a baby and provide even with your limitations. But at the same time have an overwhelming feeling for one. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night crying with that craveing for my own baby. Its always an ach and pain. The same ach I get when someone close to me has died or when im realy sad. And it hurts to want something so badly but to be affried of not ever getting it. Or when you do what will happen.

I think no matter what situation we are in, as women who have overcome our disadvantages so far, even when its hard and scary to think of what could happen, We will make better parents than a lot of people in this world have. We may be slightly imature but we have strong thoughts and creative ways to over come our hurdles.

If/when you have a child no matter the situation I know you will make a great mother.
And I know I will too.

We have a lot in common. Even though were not the same age.

Your, your mothers daughter. And I bet with everything she has gone through, she would really like to see your image on another little being one day

Think happy thoughts
-Aarin


p.s. sorry for grammer errors lol