[Guest]

My husband and I have been married 5 years and have been trying to concieve for 2.
With going into exhaustive detail, we have had a lot of tests done, seen several specialists and have spent hundreds of hours researching every possible way for me to concieve.
I am not posting to get into the specifics of his sperm count and ways of artificial insemination, trust me, if it's an artificial method that has existed before last night, we have researched it completely.

We have jointly come to the decision that we want the baby to be concieved naturally.

Yes that means intercourse with the donor that we have selected and have gotten to know over the last 3 months.

We have consulted many couples who have done this and many donors who have offered advice. He has been checked 3 times for STDs and comes highly recommended from another couple.

Most of our advice and help has come from the UK and France, American couples don't seem to like the idea of NI as much.

We have made out decision and I am set to recieve the donors sperm this weekend.

Why am I here?

I want womens (and men if they are on here) advice and thoughts on how I should handle my husbands potential emotional reactions to me having intercourse with the donor. He is very mature and we have a loving relationship, but he is a man and I am his wife, so I am trying to be prepared for any sexual jealousy and concerns he might have, expected and unexpected.

The donor is an attractive younger man and my husband has seemed intimidated around him a few times during our meetings, but my husband is attractive too and he knows I think that, but still I'm sure he is worried.

I don't know if anyone is familiar with the studies concerning female orgasm during insemination and how it increases the chances of conception, but we have and it is something we are expecting to happen, the donor knows this as well, to ultimately reduce the number of times I will have to receive the sperm to ensure conception. This I know this greatly concerns my husband because he often struggles with stamina and we have difficulty in me getting a climax during intercourse with him. I know how men fret over sexual comparison and performance, it's not a concern to me, but I know it is for him.

We are getting down to the ground rules of the insemination and I don't know where to go. I don't want it to be with him just unzipping his pants enough to penetrate but then I nor my husband want it to be full naked passionate lovemaking either.
Should my husband be present or should he remain in the next room? There are endless possibilites and I want to find the best one for him.
I really hope someone may have done this before!

Any and all advice or thoughts relating to the question I have posed will be greatly appreciated.

Please respect that I do not want to discuss or debate the pros and cons or moral dilemmas of NI versus AI. Thanks!

[Guest]

Is this too touchy a subject? I posed this question on a foreign pregnancy site and got lots of responses, I guess this is super taboo here?

[rosekitten]

Had you considered that maybe nobody really has a solution? I don't find it to be taboo at all, but it's also not something I've ever had to deal with, so I don't really have any advice.

[LanaBear]

Had you considered that maybe nobody really has a solution? I don't find it to be taboo at all, but it's also not something I've ever had to deal with, so I don't really have any advice.

BINGO...

Nothing is taboo here, we are all a very open crowd. However, as rosekitten said, I'm sure the lack of response is that nobody can relate to your situation, so therefore do not feel that they can respond in a helpful manner.

When I read your post this morning, the only thing I felt was sorrow. I can't even imagine what it would be like for you or your husband to have to go through this.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Audrey you posted this "yesterday, (1) day ago", I think that it's fair to say Rome wasn't built in a day, consequently, our members are not all on at the same time to reply..

And, trust me, this Forum is un-like any you wish to reference.. It stands alone with highly intelligent, men and women.

You already know that your husband is going to be an emotional wreck, he will compare himself afterwards for the rest of his life, possibly feel in-adequate, and may lose some love, you have made a joint decision, yet, it appears your concerns are going to be correct, nothing you can do about that, as the decision has been made...unless you back out.

Should my husband be present or should he remain in the next room?

In my opinion, he should not know when, or where, how... Book a Hotel room, never discuss it.. I couldn't contemplate being with another man in my marital home, it's my home, my husband's home, not for another person to sleep in that bed, or on the lounge, or over the sink, anywhere in that home...

And, due to your thoughts on his emotional statis, knowing when, is going to kill him...Knowing however it is going to occur, it is happening, but not knowing the details, when, where, may make it easier for him.

I posed this question on a foreign pregnancy site and got lots of responses,

So you weren't happy with their answers, need more convincing?

[Guest]

Thanks for the responses and sorry if I seemd like a brat, I'm not, well only with my husband sometimes ha.

Yes it was French site, I speak it but I'm not French and while I got good responses I wanted some American womens thoughts.

Thank you for the idea about the hotel, I'd hate to do it in our bed and bedroom now that I think of it, besides we have 4 inseminations planned between tomorrow and Sunday and I don't want those memories tied to our house at all.

But he wants to be there, but he's not sure if he wants to watch or hear or go get dinner until we are finished, but either way I've decided to book a nice hotel room.

As a woman I want to be ready and smell and look good but I do not want my husband to think I am getting dolled up for our donor, I'm not, I just won't feel comfortable if I'm not at least halfway 'sexy', for a lack of a better word.

I think the biggest fear is not so much that another man's penis will have been inside me, but more of a fear of me possibly having orgasms (he knows I have been multi-orgasmic in previuous relationships) with the donor, as that is the one area of our sex life he is unable to give unless it's orally. One of the questions my husband asked me after we made love one night was "what if he is bigger than me?" meaning penis size of course and I blew it off as if it would not matter, but I felt like I lied to him? Even though I hadn't thought about it prior and I am NOT doing this for any sexual needs but now my mind is just racing and I'm ashamed of what I'm imagining. I have fought off every tiny sliver of sexual arousal about this encounter but I feel like honestly I want my husband there or near by to keep my actions and behavior under control, especially if I do orgasm during the insemination. Anybody understand that?

He is not terrified and he won't be wrecked, he's not like that, he's quite handsome and attractive and not prone to jealousy, but he is a man and their sexual egos are tender, he is especially sensitive about his stamina and weak seminal output, though if it truly bothered me I wouldn't be married to him.

If you're wondering why my questions and concerns are primarily sexual, well it's because I can talk about EVERYTHING else with my family and girlfriends but the sexual aspect, so that's why I am here. I couldn't bear to tell these things to anyone I actually know.

Thanks for the hotel idea, if that's all I get out of this it was worth it, but I have a feeling I'll be needing to vent and I'm glad everyone here is not judgemental, all the posts I've been reading on other subjects have blown me away.

[jns]

My husband and I have been married 5 years and have been trying to concieve for 2.
With going into exhaustive detail, we have had a lot of tests done, seen several specialists and have spent hundreds of hours researching every possible way for me to concieve.
I am not posting to get into the specifics of his sperm count and ways of artificial insemination, trust me, if it's an artificial method that has existed before last night, we have researched it completely.

We have jointly come to the decision that we want the baby to be concieved naturally.

Yes that means intercourse with the donor that we have selected and have gotten to know over the last 3 months.

We have consulted many couples who have done this and many donors who have offered advice. He has been checked 3 times for STDs and comes highly recommended from another couple.

Most of our advice and help has come from the UK and France, American couples don't seem to like the idea of NI as much.

We have made out decision and I am set to recieve the donors sperm this weekend.

Why am I here?

I want womens (and men if they are on here) advice and thoughts on how I should handle my husbands potential emotional reactions to me having intercourse with the donor. He is very mature and we have a loving relationship, but he is a man and I am his wife, so I am trying to be prepared for any sexual jealousy and concerns he might have, expected and unexpected.

The donor is an attractive younger man and my husband has seemed intimidated around him a few times during our meetings, but my husband is attractive too and he knows I think that, but still I'm sure he is worried.

I don't know if anyone is familiar with the studies concerning female orgasm during insemination and how it increases the chances of conception, but we have and it is something we are expecting to happen, the donor knows this as well, to ultimately reduce the number of times I will have to receive the sperm to ensure conception. This I know this greatly concerns my husband because he often struggles with stamina and we have difficulty in me getting a climax during intercourse with him. I know how men fret over sexual comparison and performance, it's not a concern to me, but I know it is for him.

We are getting down to the ground rules of the insemination and I don't know where to go. I don't want it to be with him just unzipping his pants enough to penetrate but then I nor my husband want it to be full naked passionate lovemaking either.
Should my husband be present or should he remain in the next room? There are endless possibilites and I want to find the best one for him.
I really hope someone may have done this before!

Any and all advice or thoughts relating to the question I have posed will be greatly appreciated.

Please respect that I do not want to discuss or debate the pros and cons or moral dilemmas of NI versus AI. Thanks!

I think if I was in your husband's shoes, I would want to do this one of two ways. First way would be a donor from far away, even another country. That way it could be the same as a short fling, with little ability for it to burst into a fire.

The other way would be for a close friend of mine (husband's friend) to do the deed. That way the father would be in the baby's life to some degree, even if just a family friend. Also, that would have benefits as if there was any need to know more of the father's medical history, it would be easily available. Oh, and if you wanted another child, possibly the friend could be a surrogate again.

There is a third way. If your donor and your husband don't mind taking turns, they could both have sex to orgasm with you, even one after the other. If no one did genetic testing, the identity of the father would be suspected, but still unknown even if your husband was shooting mostly blanks.

It seems that your husband is worried about you and the donor having fun. Is this his worry or is it that you are worried that he will be worried? Since he agreed to it, why should he worry if you have a little fun doing it? Is he really that worried that you will run off?

[Experienced Donor]

Two Cents from a Donor...

I'd like to share some of my thoughts and advice as an experienced sperm donor...

Your husband is almost surely intimidated by your donor. In my dealings with couples, the dynamic between the husband and I usually feels like that between a popular high school senior and a nerdy freshman. From the very first meeting (i.e., "Hi, my name is ____, nice to meet you!"), he's adding in his mind: "... and I'll be impregnating your wife because you simply can't. I'll have a little fun, walk away and you'll nurture my biological child for the rest of your life." That's harsh, but it's exactly how I'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

I agree with Chandlers Wish; I don't see any upside to your husband witnessing the NI. Whether he admits it or not, he will compare himself with your donor in every conceivable way for the rest of his life. A few specific thoughts and questions to ponder....

1) Foremost on any guy's mind... What if he's bigger than your husband? We men are obsessed with penis size and a gifted donor would prove doubly humiliating to him.

2) An experienced natural donor is likely to perform well with a new partner from Day 1... Considering your husband's stamina, would it be healthy for him to see (or even hear) you and your donor engaged in vigorous intercourse for ten, fifteen or even twenty minutes? (10-20 minutes is optimum for semen quality.)

3) As a result of 1 and 2 above, what if you easily orgasm with your donor, perhaps multiple times? Now it's a triple whammy... The donor is hung, fertile and gets you off; your husband is none of those (at least in his own mind.) You may have a hard time keeping your actions or behavior (i.e., orgasm) under control thanks to the oxytocin release triggered by vaginal and cervical stretch receptors.

I can appreciate the guilt you may feel about orgasming with another partner, but (as you mentioned) climaxing will maximize your chances of pregnancy. It will actually dip your cervix into his semen; you can see this in action if you scroll to the 44:30 mark of the linked episode of The Human Animal by Desmond Morris. (Caution: It's a documentary and definitely doesn't shy away from anything.) Trying to suppress your arousal or orgasm with the donor will only be counterproductive in my opinion. *removed link*

To JNS' point about taking turns: I wouldn't recommend it. A sizable number of our sperm are actually "killer sperm" that can recognize and attack the sperm of other males while letting our own seed pass. Needless to say, a sperm war inside you won't help your cause. I recommend that couples abstain for several days before beginning a donor cycle.

My bottom line advice: Keep your husband out of the hotel room and preferably at home. If you can spend the whole weekend with your donor and without your husband, do so. Have a wild romp for a couple days, cum as freely as you like, and lie to your husband if the donor is great in bed. Better yet, agree on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about the weekend. That's the best formula for success in my humble opinion.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Thanks for the responses and sorry if I seemd like a brat, I'm not, well only with my husband sometimes ha.

Yes it was French site, I speak it but I'm not French and while I got good responses I wanted some American womens thoughts.

Impatient? I didn't think you were a brat at all.

So, that's a good thing, getting different cultural opinions as well, what nationality are you, and your husband? That's probably another thing to consider maybe, cultural ways and therefore, their thinking.

By the way I am an Aussie, sorry

[Mes T]

Audrey, I know you said you didn't want to go into detail, but I'm not quite sure I understand the background of this situation. Is your husband's sperm count particularly low? What are the concerns you have in regard to artificial insemination? Do you keep track of your BBT and all that - are you able to predict your fertility days?

Have you considered allowing your husband to be with another woman, the days that you have sex with the other man? Just to "even the playing field" a bit, so maybe your husband wouldn't think it was unfair?