[rosan6neco]

Before I do some explaining, I am VERY happy in my relationship. I just need advice and assurance I am normal.

I have been unable to perform oral sex on my boyfriend. I am super disgusted by phloem, and to me ejaculate looks like phloem. It makes me puke and gag to see that consistency. So, one hang up I have is pre-ejaculate. So, my boyfriend bought flavored condoms, I have bought flavored items to help me hopefully get over my hangups. So far, almost five years and I have not given him oral yet. Most men would gasp in horror. It has caused many an argument, because he will go for awhile without talking about it (obviously secretly hoping I will stop being a "wuss") and then it will come up and I will get angry. My other major hang-ups with this are:

1) The guy I lost my virginity to tried to force me to give him oral (dumbest idea ever for any man to do, hello teeth!) so he tried to get my best friend at the time to give him a blow job instead. She got pretty upset. He claimed, of course, she came on to him. I later found out, guy was lying & had a drug habit. When he tried to force me to do it, I ended up shoved into my closet trying to get away, and of course crying. I really doubt that I have issues with this past situation, but my boyfriend claims I do.

2)My boyfriend watches porn. He works out of state and tells me in order to release he has to watch porn. Now, normally I have no issue with porn. But, if a person HAS to watch porn in order to get off, I find that concerning. I am not sure if most men do it that way when they feel they must release some tension or if it's a society influence issue.

3)My boyfriend became a Christian at 12 and had a Christian girlfriend when he was 18. I am also a Christian, but clearly not the goody-goody I should be. I recently found out that the first person to give him head was this ex-girlfriend whom he holds in great regard. When he was drunk once, he told me he still loved her and assumed I understood, he said he loved me also in a different way. Later I told him I had no friggn clue what he was talking about, because in my world no one else in the past matters. He seemed to feel bad and explained to me that I was the love of his life. I have gotten some explanation that she & her family helped him during a time in need. They mean a lot to him. But finding out this SUPER IMPORTANT Christian girlfriend was the first to give him head makes me upset with her. She is apparently in some Christian RnB group and married, and when I heard the oral tid-bit I really wanted to contact her & thank her for giving my boyfriend his first head...well back when they were together. I wonder how she would feel or how her current husband would feel. It made me angry. It would be wrong, but I was a good girl until I was 21 for the most part. I am starting to understand why Christians tend to want to wait until they are married. So they don't have to deal with this **** from the past.

4)Both my boyfriend and I are divorced. His exwife was or is a (s-l-u-t), apparently. She was apparently a wild and crazed woman in bed, and so much so she screwed every man who gave her the time of day and even mentioned how she might be bi. She even got with his two best friends at the time, rumor has it. She became pregnant with my boyfriend's child (by chance, yes the child is his). She told him she was pregnant with his kid the day he claims he was going to leave her. But, instead of leaving, they got married because he felt it was the right thing to do. My boyfriend used to call his bother and sister-in-law in tears wanting to know if her experimenting is normal or what. She was 18 when they started dating, so he thought it was just her youth coming out. While he was working out of state and sending checks home, she got pregnant with another man's child. This lead to the divorce. Sometimes I feel like he thinks everyone is as wild and crazy sexually like her. Don't get me wrong, everyone pretty much likes sex. Everyone likes variety and intimacy. But, he seems to think I am weird because I am not a fiend. My boyfriend is 31 now and has the sex drive of an 18 year old still. Sometimes I feel his best years were wasted on other women, because he used to talk about being able to have sex 7 times a day etc. We have had sex twice a day maybe a couple times. Don't get me wrong, I am older now, too, and I don't have time to have sex all of the time. Plus, it does get boring. Sometimes giving it a couple days makes it better. It's like a tease. He is also interested in anal. I have had anal sex before with a previous partner, but that guy was small. My boyfriend is thick. And we have tried and I have gotten excellent lube. Things start out slow, as they should go, and I think he gets impatient. One thing I have learned, it doesn't really matter if he tried to get it in and this pain shot through your body and now you are in tears, because he is still horny. I don't do well with that kinda pain and then still "needing" to have sex. Aggravating.

5)The final and least thing about the oral sex topic is that I view oral sex as selfish. I myself do not enjoy receiving. The wetness from the licking becoming cold I find very distracting and it turns me off. Many men require a woman to perform oral sex. Porn is oral sex mania. It is also considered an insult, "Suck my ****!" I have heard my male friends in the past talk about "so and so gives amazing head, but such and such is horrible at it..." I do not want to be horrible. My boyfriend already had had excellent experiences and he also watches porn, which is a HORRIBLE example of what is "normal" because those people are actors and FAKING it.

I have told my boyfriend many times I am normal. Women like me are normal. Some things we like, some things we don't. Some things we can do, some things we can't. I want to know I can perform oral in order to please my boyfriend without puking on him. He has been considerate in a lot of ways, trying to help me work though it. But, it still seems to sometimes anger him that I "don't even try". I wrote a pastor awhile back on a forum, without the details I mentioned here, only to receive a response the oral sex is a sin. Awesome. I asked him how to please my husband when I have issues with sex, and asked about oral.

So if any ladies or gentleman (I stress gentle) want to assure me I am normal or whatever, that would be great. Thanks for reading this long mess. This subject has built up for almost 5 years.

[Darling]

Start off small and slow. The head is the most sensitive part, so start there. Let him know that you are going to try but no promises and if you stop then he can't get upset with you. Have you ever given him a hand job? That's a great way to build the sensation with out having to go deep.
Practice by orally pleasing his head while working the rest with your hand. You can go deeper as you feel comfortable.
Good luck!

Ps I was horrified my first time giving oral... I was scared I'd be bad at it. But I started slow and what do u know I love giving him oral : )

[Darling]

Oh and you don't have to let him cum in your mouth, when I first started giving him oral he would cum in a towel not my mouth. That helped a lot!

[rosan6neco]

Darling: Yes, I have done everything sexually with a man except perform oral. I tried, being horribly upset, to kiss it once. I ended up in tears, and he still wanted more and was still horny. I was not. He is also the first partner I have been with that seemed to think my sex drive is not what it should be. Everyone else thought I was great.

And I am aware about the cum in the mouth. It's still there, however. It would be helpful if you understood that precum is GROSS looking to me. And as I talk about it, my stomach got upset.

[Darling]

: ( I'm sorry this is so difficult for you. But if its something you can not bring yourself to do. Then he needs to come to an understanding that it isn't going to happen. The only other thing I could recommend is a sex therapist.
Communication is key to understanding.

Keep your head up, this forum is wonderful and everyone is so helpful.

[LanaBear]

One big factor, get out of your head that what you do or don't enjoy is normal. That is a horrible word and is used too easily to try and win arguments. I LOVE, absolutely LOVE giving a blow job, I would consider that normal. BUT, it is normal to ME, not anybody else because frankly, I don't care what anybody else views as normal or not, you shouldn't either.

Hang-up 1 - If you don't feel this has been an issue, then don't let him talk you into it being an issue. It may or may not be, definitely a traumatic experience though.

Hang-up 2 - Again, everybody is different. He is doing it when you are not in the same vicinity of each other. It allows him to release, men are visual, very visual. He may or may not need it to get himself off but again, I don't think there is anything wrong with it as long as it does not interfere with the sex that the two of you have. Can you send him naughty pictures of yourself or a video of yourself masturbating that he could use instead?

Hang-up 3 - Why does this make you angry? EVERYONE is entitled to have a sexual past. It shouldn't matter to you, just like your past shouldn't matter to him. It seems pretty catty to me that it makes you angry enough that you would want to contact her and say "Thanks", especially for a something like a blow job. Let it go and move past it.

Hang-up 4 - The ex wife part, this is in the past, why does this eat at you so much? Forget her and focus on the two of you. He has a higher sex drive than you, it seems. That is fine as long as you two can meet in the middle. He may be jaded about sex and that it is supposed to be a certain way, but the two of you need to work together to get past that. If you can't and sex is important to him and you, either individually or as a couple, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship. Regarding anal sex, if you just can't do it, then you can't do it. He won't get anywhere pushing it onto you. Tell him how your feel, if he keeps pushing, is he really worth it?

Hang-up 5 - Again, you have to let go. You do have some hang-ups about oral sex, but only you can decide if you can get past them or not. I don't find it a selfish act, but a great intimate one. If you don't want to do it out of fear you may be horrible, then that is where communication come into play, he needs to tell you what feels good to him and what doesn't and you need to ask. BUT, I think there are bigger issues than your fear of being horrible. You have a gag reflex and just can't get past it, that is fine and he should respect it. If not, then you have many other relationship issues to work on.

Bottom line, I think you both have these visions as to what is NORMAL and what isn't, what is right and wrong, etc. This is hard to get over in a relationship. You need to start from scratch, forget his past, it doesn't matter and focus on the two of you. Forget all the preconceived notions the two of you have and work on building a relationship that works for the two of you, not what you think is normal or not as a society.

[tinyclitt]

Many years ago I had a cum phobia too. I was convinced that cum was some sort of yucky stuff to be avoided. I just could not handle cum at all. Looking back now, I don't think I could have possibly been more wrong headed! I have a wonderful patient husband who helped me get over my phobia. We went very slow and deliberate. It took months. I went from having him cum on my hands, then onto my face, then my lips, then into my mouth and I'd quickly spit it out, then into my mouth and I'd swish it around in my mouth before I spit it out, then into my mouth and I'd swallow it. I stayed at each step for about a month until I got comfortable before moving on to the next one. I gagged the first few times I swallowed, but I've never gagged since. It took real effort on my part to get over that phobia. I was motivated and I did it. That cum phobia was NOT normal and it was not healthy. I swallow three to four times a week now and I very much enjoy it. Cum is love juice and it's good stuff. I like everything about it. The way I see it, it's one of the great joys in life that I'm glad I'm not missing out on.

I'd say do everything you can to get over your cum phobia because once you do get over it, you'll be much happier and healthier. For me, slow and steady progress with an achievable goal at each step of the way and no backsliding worked well.

[rcoreyus]

It sounds like there are a lot of issues in the relationship other than oral sex, and if you are not happy then sex of any type will just be a chore.

Some people enjoy performing oral, others hate it. Some don't care about receiving, or even dislike it, for others it is a critical part of sex, and something that will make them feel deprived if they don't get it. None of these feelings are bad, but if someone who hates performing oral is in a relationship with someone for whom it is very important, then unhappiness is likely to result.

[Richard S]

I'm sorry your pastor wasn't more supportive. He should have reminded you that your sexuality is a gift to be shared in the context of a caring relationship, and given you some leeway to share it in ways that honor both yourself and your partner.

You raise so many issues. The one I noticed right off is where you mention selfishness. When a sexual relationship is working correctly, what's going on is a mutual exchange of trust and permission, and in essence you are giving each other permission to be selfish. It can be hard to find ways to give so that you enjoy giving, and at the same time your partner enjoys being on the receiving end. But when things are working the right way, giving and receiving become part of a continuous flow that you and your partner share together.

Like most guys, I had the privilege of receiving this intimate act from a few women before I met my wife. Looking back in retrospect (all married men do this by the way) the thing I am most struck with is how much some women genuinely enjoy giving head, that is it's something they do just for themselves, and the guy is lucky enough to go along for the ride.

If I had to generalize, I'd say a third of women fall into the "enjoy giving" category, another third do it more as a duty of love, something for the guy more than them, and the other third simply don't like it and won't do it. All three are completely normal modes of sexual behavior.

In general I'd advise you to take your focus of oral and practice the art of using your hands. There are so many techniques and types of lube you can buy these days, and you can create very intense orgasms in your partner if you take the time to learn how. Hopefully you will learn to love it for the sensual pleasure it gives, not just to him but to you too. If you want more detailed advice about technique feel free to ask.

Good luck.

[AngelFace]

very light periods each month on and off

I'm 22 years old and my past three cycles have been pretty abnormal to me. My first abnormal one was 42 days long in the cycle but was a normal period flow and lasted 6 days like always. My periods have been between 26-32 days and normal so being that many days late was weird to me. My second cycle was shorter, 38 days, but I bled on and off for 9 days and it was mostly light bleeding and spotting and maybe two days of a semi heavier flow. The third cycle that I just recently had came early at cycle day 26 and lasted only 6 days long and was even lighter then my last period and was on and off also, I was bleeding a little here and there and I never know when I will bleed or not bleed. I barely had any cramps the last two cycles but I feel some pain in my uterus but its different and not severe. I recently got into a relationship and started having sex 6 days before my second cycle, before that its been 9 months since I've had sex. I'm not on any birth control. I might be thinking I have a hormonal imbalance, would that make my periods way lighter and spot on and off? My periods have always been heavy so its really strange to me that these last two cycles are so light and not a constant flow. Has anyone ever had this problem and what is causing it??? I plan on going to the doctor soon, I just moved into a different town so I am trying to setting down a little, probably going to make an appointment on Monday. I just wanted to see if anyone can give me their opinions or insight on what it could be.