[JonnyR]

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about parenthood and have been chatting with parents and people who don’t have kids about their experiences.

Some parents, when they’re being totally honest, say that if they could go back in time and relive their journey, they wouldn’t have kids.

On the other hand, people who have chosen to stay child-free already know why they don’t want to be parents.

As a parent, how do you feel when you’re being totally honest about your decision to have kids and if you’d recommend that others make the same choice? If not, what are the reasons you’d discourage someone from having kids?

And if you’re childfree, why have you decided to go that route?

[atskitty2]

My partner is 39 and thankfully he was leaning away from having kids when we met. I was 46 when we met, already through menopause, so goals for a family was the very first thing I brought up, as he was 32 and I knew he could be thinking about starting a family.

I never had kids and that was partially an intentional choice, and I also wonder if I was infertile. There were definitely times when my husband and I didn't use birth control, and no pregnancies every resulted. I had been open to having kids at some point, not always.

For my current partner, he had watched his friends have kids and shortly thereafter, be hating life. He said none of them had really understood how their lives would change, and essentially did it because their wife/girlfriend wanted a family. My partner is pretty honest in his self-assessment in that he says he knows now that he's too selfish to be a good parent. And I agree with his assessment. He doesn't want a lot of unnecessary stressors, likes to do what he wants, when he feels like doing it, and having to sacrifice his needs for a child "sounds exhausting" to him. We do have 2 dogs, and we'll probably always have pets, but one of our first discussions involved pet parenthood, vs having a child. Being responsible for another person is just not something he ever wanted.

[Alison H.]

As a parent, I never (not once) regretted having children once I had them, not even for a millisecond.

Now, the moment I found out I was pregnant with my first, I DID have a freak-out in the bathroom for about 15 minutes. I was 24, barely married for two months, did not feel like I was ready and I was just... terrified. Absolutely terrified. I was so scared about the idea of it all that in those first few minutes, I was staring at the pregnancy test and wishing it wasn't true. Mostly because I knew it would have to come out, and the thought of birth (physically) just had me spinning out.

We weren't necessarily trying, but we also weren't not trying.

But. After a breath, and after sitting with it alongside my husband (who was just pure excited), I got past that part really quickly and then it was just nervousness and excitement.

Maybe it's different for moms, but having that little critter growing inside... there's nothing like it. Especially once they start getting big enough that you can feel them squirm and kick and react.

And it's scary, especially the first time, being pregnant. Birth is a whole other thing, too, but once she was here and in my arms... it was worth every second of discomfort, worry, cankles, hemorrhoids, fat feet that couldn't fit into shoes that weren't adjustable, contractions, and labor.

But everything that came after that... I'm not saying that raising someone from infancy to adulthood is easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but it's something that I can honestly say, for me, is the best thing I've ever done. Both of my girls are adults now and they're amazing people. I consider myself so lucky to have them in my life.

As for recommending it, though... I mean, every person is different so I'd never "recommend" having kids. It's a great idea for some, sure, but definitely not for others... it's so subjective and there are a lot of things to factor in.

FWIW, I don't know any parent personally who regrets having their kid(s). But that's my circle; most of my friends have kids, and those kids are loved and wanted.

[JonnyR]

I guess I would say that the folks I know who are hating life right now because of their children, would obviously NEVER wish them to be gone.

However, that certainly also doesn't mean they don't have any regrets or didn't fully understand the full impact of having children and how their life and wants and needs were essentially over and subjugated from that point forward.

One of my buddies did actually have a child with his then-girlfriend, now wife, because she wanted to.

I tried explaining to him almost every single day, his life was pretty much over the way he knew it, and it was going to be tough sledding for someone who needed as much alone time as he did.

I don't know if I am too selfish to have children -- I don't think that's the right or fair assessment.

Because if I had a child -- and I've thought about potential children with partners I've been with that perhaps I didn't even know about as a freak-out test -- I would step up, and I am a master at leaning into difficulty and grinding while doing the right thing with integrity.

It's just that, especially at this point in my life, I don't think I WANT or CRAVE that sort of interaction or responsibility, not full-time.

I find myself liking children, and kids love me and always get along with me -- it's the big kid in me -- and I am an excellent leader and a stable force who has done a lot of personal growth and development and my career revolves around coaching and helping others, but with that being said, I think that I prefer to "give back" and contribute in other meaningful ways that don't necessarily involve bringing another human into this world.

It's such a nuanced and difficult discussion for sure, and it does fascinate me immensely -- the reasons people DO and DON'T have children are as varied as human nature itself.

[Alison H.]

I know one thing I'm grateful for is being unable to have more children at this point in my life. Likely because of my age and just... where I'm at right now. That isn't a concern, and I'm glad of it.

Because age and where a person is in their life are factors for sure. I mean hell, if I were to have a baby at 50, I'd be nearly 70 by the time they graduated from high school. That's like... bonkers. And then if grandchildren were to come along, I'd be lucky to be alive at that point lol.

So I'm glad I had them younger, but not super young (I was 26 and 29). Old enough to have enjoyed my 20s, but young enough that I wasn't getting AARP mail around their high school graduations.

[DNT]

I know one thing I'm grateful for is being unable to have more children at this point in my life. Likely because of my age and just... where I'm at right now. That isn't a concern, and I'm glad of it.

Because age and where a person is in their life are factors for sure. I mean hell, if I were to have a baby at 50, I'd be nearly 70 by the time they graduated from high school. That's like... bonkers. And then if grandchildren were to come along, I'd be lucky to be alive at that point lol.

So I'm glad I had them younger, but not super young (I was 26 and 29). Old enough to have enjoyed my 20s, but young enough that I wasn't getting AARP mail around their high school graduations.

One thing you definitely have right and for being young enough to stick around for your Grandchildren, although 70 isn't so old in most cases, unless one should have

[DNT]

Let's try this again, as I had an error which cut me off and since there's no edit function that I can find....

I know one thing I'm grateful for is being unable to have more children at this point in my life. Likely because of my age and just... where I'm at right now. That isn't a concern, and I'm glad of it.

Because age and where a person is in their life are factors for sure. I mean hell, if I were to have a baby at 50, I'd be nearly 70 by the time they graduated from high school. That's like... bonkers. And then if grandchildren were to come along, I'd be lucky to be alive at that point lol.

So I'm glad I had them younger, but not super young (I was 26 and 29). Old enough to have enjoyed my 20s, but young enough that I wasn't getting AARP mail around their high school graduations.

One thing you definitely have right and for being young enough to stick around for your Grandchildren and some of their activities, although 70 isn't so old in most cases, unless one should have some underlying medical problems.

[JonnyR]

I will say that the childfree conundrum does somewhat complicate dating for people like me (and I imagine for the single/divorced moms out there too!).

I have gotten to the point where I usually will not want to date anyone with children for lots of reasons -- unless they are older and out of the house or they are empty nesters.

Jumping into someone else's life, where the children are their "top" priority, just doesn't seem like a great place for a long-term relationship where you actually want to see and spend time alone with your partner.

I am not at all criticizing those who want that or try, simply saying it isn't for me based on lots of honest thought, feedback, and experience regarding the situation.

I am a firm believer that the relationships should come FIRST -- and from that flows everything else (sort of like putting on your mask before anyone else's on the plane), and in fact there are a lot of relationship experts and Tony Robbins for example, who always talk about prioritizing the relationships for the good of the entire family unit.

I find though, that a lot of mothers - especially post-divorce or being single for a long time -- are not of that mind. And in fact, on their dating profiles will state "My children come first..." and so it's like, hmm...if you're already putting anyone you meet second (or more likely 3/4th or lower because I bet a job comes second, etc), what chance do we have to really make something work where we're both fully invested?

It's just not somewhere I want to be.

That being said, I HAVE met some spectacular mothers who DID prioritize their partner and relationships, and were open to what a life would look like where it wasn't all about their children, but there was space for them and new love.

[Alison H.]

Yeah, I can understand that. But at the same time, if I were dating and met a single dad... maybe it's because I'm a parent myself, but I'd expect his kids to come first in his life (and would probably think less of him if he didn't). Like, that's just how it is. But again, that's the difference: a parent (especially one navigating kids through post-divorce or even the death of a spouse/parent) should keep those kids as the first priority, at least until they're grown.

So like you said, if kids are grown, that's a whole other ballgame.

[JonnyR]

I suppose I should clarify a bit -- when I say the couple should prioritize the relationship, I do not in any way mean that it is okay, or justified, for a parent ever to neglect their children or not prioritize them in some fashion.

I am speaking on a deeper level than this.

Of course, when you first meet someone, their lives before you are obvious priorities, right?

You don't just meet someone for coffee and then all of a sudden stop everything you've been doing just to hang out with them and do nothing else...

I am speaking of when you get deeper into a relationship, start dating, maybe become exclusive, etc -- it is at that point when the relationship, if it is to thrive and prosper, should be prioritized -- again, putting the mask on yourself before anyone else.

The relationship becomes the connection, glue, and oxygen that breathes life into everything else in your life.

There's a reason why people prioritize marriage or a significant other over almost anything else -- think about friends who "disappear" when they meet a new person in their life, or stop seeing you once they become deeply involved with someone.

This too can become super unhealthy, but it's just an example of what I am speaking about.

Your kids should NEVER become your everything -- they cannot fulfill all your needs, and when parents put that type of stress, pressure, and expectations on their children, it is unhealthy and also leads to problems with intimacy and relationships for them down the line.

Eg: if you expect your children to love you like a partner (and this happens all the time in single-parent situations), or become your everything (every moment you spend with them, always doing stuff, etc) in a very unhealthy way.

Therapists and Tony Robbins talk a lot about this -- the unfair burden of a parent's need for love on their children because they are unsuccessful in relationships, or finding other ways to get their needs met, so they foist that upon their children.

This is the type of stuff that I am talking about -- not the baseline "prioritization" of someone whose life you are obviously responsible for.

I wanted to clarify the nomenclature or meaning behind prioritizing the relationshop vs the child.