[LittleJess123]

i'm 20 years old and i can't feel anything when my partner and i have sex. we've been doing it for a while... more than a year. we've tried lube and different positions. i feel really crappy afterwards and all my partner wanbts to do is sleep. i sometimes cry coz i feel so bad. i'd like some advice or just someone to talk to about it. my bf dnt understand. prob just coz hes a guy.
please help.

[crzyredhead21]

I know how you feel! I went through this for a long time. Have you had any other sexual experiences before that did make you feel anything??
In my past I was sexually abused and it took me 6 years to fnally be able to have an sort of "feeling" during sex. it was like... my mind wanted it... but my body would not respond.

I didn't realize how much this past experinece affected me until recently. Whatever it is that is blockng this emotion needs to be addressed and dealt wth before you can really start enjoying sex. Unfortunatly there really is no "quick fix" for this. You really need to work on what exactly your body SHOULD be feeling. This was a hard oen for me. Whe my ex did his thign with me I went to my "happy place" wherer it didn;t affect me and I couldn't feel anything. I did this for almost three years!!!!! Hard to break that sort of habit.

Anyways, Make sure your man is on track with takign care of your needs and work on the underlying issues for why this is happening. It will not be easy but I assure you that it will be worth it!

[WildChild]

Here's a few questions;
Is just it during intercourse that you don't feel anything?
Can you cum masterbating? How about during foreplay? Do you get horny? When you are having sex play do you get wet?
How is your general attitude and your life? Are you mostly happy or more unhappy? Do you like your job/school?
Why are you crying and feeling crappy afterwards? Is it because you aren't meeting your own or his expectations for sexual performance or because the relationship isn't meeting your needs?
Guys are perfectly capable of understanding, if you communicate with them appropriately. To think otherwise is copout on your part and your denying him the opportunity or abiltity to help you be happy. If he cares for you, then he feels good when you feel good. But if he's got the idea there is nothing he can do or that he is somehow being blamed, he will withdraw even if he's nuts about you.

I really want you to answer these questions so that you can get some good responses. There are some very insightful people on here, but they need something to work with. Even without your answers I want to suggest that you try giving up any expectation when you have sex. Just relax and let yourself be. Suspend judgement, don't try to orgasm, just relax. Men cum like an explosion, it builds up, they fire off and they're done. Women, relaxed women, who are into their bodies, cum more like ocean waves, it rises and falls, ebbs and flows and can go on and on. A lot of women have learned to cum more like men, tensely or they expect to. And that can be really good. But relaxing into it is a different experience. I enjoy both but they are different and you have to learn your body first. Start by spending some time every day loving your self, this can include masterbating but you should start with looking at and loving your body, touching gently, caressing yourself, discovering what feels nice right at that moment. Give yourself permission to make yourself feel good.

I'm big on numbers, this one might make you feel better. According to studies (don't know how they figure this stuff out) only about 30% of women orgasm during intercourse. A significant percentage of women (don't remember this stat) can't tell if they've had an orgasm. Hooked up to whatever would monitor this they say no orgasm and the machines say there was. That may be a problem with expectation - they've seen too many Hollywood orgasms. Or it may be an emotional disconnect, that Puritan ethic kicking in, the idea that 'nice' women don't really enjoy this stuff.

But I have another idea based on my own experiences and from talking to other women (and a few men). You know that old saying, "If Mama ain't happy, nobody's happy"? Well if I'm not happy I disconnect from my p*ssy. I did that recently. I was in a pit, having a pity party and lost my horniness. After a few days I gave myself a good talking to and decided to be happy with the situation as it was. Soon as I decided to feel better the juices started flowing and p*ssy and I reconnected and the man I thought I was hurt over started thinking a little differently. I had to own responsibilty for myself and my happiness, ultimately we all do. No one else Makes us feel anything, we choose our responses. I encourage you to do some self examining, are you owning your feelings? With a good lover you can reach fantanstic heights but only if you are willing to go and take responsiblity for your part of the journey.

[LittleJess123]

I've never come. doing anything. never. i do get aroused.. as normal. i do want to have sex believing that this time it might happen but it never does. so i cry.
i cry because i feel like something is seriously wrong with my body. other women have great sex but me. nothing is worng with our relationship. i have the best partner. i can talk to him about anything and he always listens to me and comforts me. i have the ultimate guy. we've talked about sex plenty of times and he feels bad about it. sometimes through our relatiosnhip we've been through a period of time where we havn't had sex because of how we both feel afterwards. but we do it again because i dnt want my bf to get bored or anything. i don't masturbate because i dnt like touching myself. i dnt believe it's my job to. i dnt like my body down there. it's ugly. i've always thought this.i have blamed my partner for this problem, and i felt terrible about it. i told him and we decided that my body is just different.
i hope this helps.
thank u for ur reply.

[WildChild]

You've answered your own question here. You have some serious rethinking to do. You and you alone are responsible for your pleasure. Your partner can share it but only you can experience it or truly create it. It isn't a job it's your pleasure! You can't expect anyone else to do what you are unwilling to do. You have to learn to love your and to pleasure yourself - how else will you be able to be a guide to anyone else who wants to pleasure you?
For thousands and thousands of years prior to the development of patriarcal religions, the was worshiped and venerated. Vestiges of that still exsit. It has been the subject of great works of art and celebration. You need to spend some time up close and personal with yours, get yourself a mirror, get naked and get to know her. Make her your friend.

How can you expect pleasure from something you dislike and fear? How can you expect joy from something you think is ugly? You are the a possessor of one of the wonders of the world! Your body is amazing! It can do unbelievable things! Your clit, that little button has 8000 nerves, with only ONE purpose, pleasure. Learn to use them!

Your problem is not your body, it's in your head, your attitude. I don't know who fed you this nonsense but you need to put it out with the trash. I know you won't just get over this over night, try starting with loving your whole self. Get naked in front of the mirror and practice loving your body, all of it. Carress every square inch of it while telling yourself, outloud, how beautiful and wonderful it is. It's OK to feel silly or embarassed but do it any way. Keep doing it, everyday until you can believe it. Experiment, what happens if you pinch your nipples?, stroke the insides of your thighs? run your hands over your butt cheeks? Work on getting comfortable touching yourself all over. Then you can start really looking at and loving your girl parts. You'll probably need some lube and start exploring, you can be clinical if you like. Get yourself a map of all your parts, a mirror and settle down to learn where everything is and what it does. Think of this as homework, you need to pass the girl parts test.
Once you get this far, there are a bunch of books on self pleasure, don't think of it as masterbating, it's self indulgence, self pleasure, just like enjoying an ice cream cone all by yourself.
You've got many years of living ahead of you they'll be a lot more fun if you can get past this and learn to love your body.

[miffed23]

Awesome advice above...

Your body is exactly that, yours. Like WildChild said, get to know it.. yes, your body is different, its different to mine, its different to every other womans.. thats what makes it so beautiful, it is in no way ugly.

As a woman, im happy to say that i find the female form twice as beautiful as the male... we've curves and dips and indents and nooks and crannies everywhere ...and if i didnt like men so flipping much, i'd swing the other way...

You are lucky, you have a man that wants you, wants to be with the 'whole' you, he obviously loves and yearns for your body...and its almost as if your depriving him... he will pick up on the fact that youre not feeling anything and thats bound to dent his confidence.

Do this for him, like WildChild said, it wont happen overnight... whilst your in front of that mirror, write in lipstick on it - 'my body is stunning'

Sex shouldnt be a chore. Refrain from intercourse until you are secure about your entire body, let you boyfriend know what youre doing and how you feel.

Good luck honey, goddammmit - you are missing out on a good thing...

[LittleJess123]

thank u for ur help ladies.
just reading ur replies told me a whole lot about what i need to do. not just loving my body but learning to love the person i am.
it;s hard to accept but i need to do this.
thank you.

[miffed23]

not just loving my body but learning to love the person i am.
it;s hard to accept but i need to do this.

Best of luck, i've just read your advice to chicklet - youre going to be fine, youve got your head screwed on the right way! Let us know how your situation progresses.

[Heppy]

can i ask - are you on the pill???

[cassie66]

ive also suffered with this in the past. i think it could be a combination of things. do you get too wet? is he on the small side? try diff positions?