[Joy]

so you had an ideal mate in your head............. don't we all! She doesn't match the ideal ( life never does) This ideal you have about life and life's plan has to go or you become to ridgid.

If you love this woman then her past should not matter...... she should be perfect in your eyes. Yes see the flaws as they are what make her unique. Tolerance, acceptance, understanding, and patience make a good combo for life, love and marriage.

i agree with WC if you can not let this go then let her go. Because of you let her know that your perfectionism is standing in the way of your happiness. That you won't settle for less.

Then run out find a virgin cause they are going fast...........

[Davey]

I used to be just like you... But soon enough you'll come to understand the only thing that matters is what you to have at this juncture. I just want some1 who loves me for me, with all there heart, that I can treat like a queen forever. It doesn't matter if she screwed 6 or 60, as long as she's faithful and loyal to you.

[happy ending]

it does seem to be preying on your mind, and affecting your self esteem and trust. she sounds like a loving caring person, isnt that enough. i can see you using it as a weapon in every argument - forever!!! as an excuse for any trust issues, any problems that arise with the relationship. you say you love her, but you cant pick and chose the parts you love. she is who she is. and you should be proud of that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think that Sinister made good points as did Wildchild, but i mainly like these comments:-

Joy
so you had an ideal mate in your head............. don't we all!

Davey
I used to be just like you... But soon enough you'll come to understand the only thing that matters is what you to have at this juncture. I just want some1 who loves me for me, with all there heart, that I can treat like a queen forever. It doesn't matter if she screwed 6 or 60, as long as she's faithful and loyal to you.

You possibly have been bought up in ways of which you do believe in and therefore, that has become what you want to do... Nothing wrong with that at all.

However, ok you Marry a Virgin, but she is fridged doesn't like sex never will, and you thrive and feel real good about it and want to share your intimacy and she says, get lost sorry yuck...

10 years go by and you think why did i make a choice of "she had to be a Virgin" why didn't I make the choice of " I went for someone I loved that loved me un-conditionally and therefore we have been married for 30 years now, she is my world"..

You go for "the person" that "clicks" mentally, emotionally, physically" and she obviously, obviously, which seems to be a point people are missing LOVES YOU, she has had sexual relations but SHE IS WITH YOU, A VIRGIN... forgoing that..

Think on that one.

CW

[Uneeklyme]

I don't want her past to be the reason things don't work out and the reason for my inquiry is that I don't understand the mental side of this dilema. Will this go away eventually or not? I am conservative... But don't you wish more guys were like me? I guess I could become as sex crazed and inconsiderate as the rest. Anyways if anyone has advice pertaining to my qoustion and not my life style please, I would really appreciate it

Her past wouldn't be the reason it doesn't work. You obsessing about it would. I never really understood or understand why people feel the need to know how many partners their partners have had. Seems to me a person would only need to know a couple of things. One, your not getting with a virgin and two, the nonvirgin is disease free. The rest really is irrelevent to current relationship.

You already say you think about it to the point it makes you sick. It will only get worse.

and for the record, conservative is ok but there can be such a thing as to conservative. Not being conservative does not mean sex crazed and inconsiderate either.

[Shannon1]

You shouldn't feel cheated... and you need to get over it, really. Because this is your problem, not your girlfriends, and its not fair to her if you "choose" to dwell on it and allow this to destroy a potential awesome relationship. Everyone has a choice, and you need to make yours now before you actually get married. If you don't feel that you can "get over it" then you need to let her go, and find someone else that is still a virgin. Good luck with that though, unfortunately for you thats just not the way it is anymore. I applaud you for your efforts and maintaining your virginity... but ask yourself "at what cost?" Are you going to allow your personal choice to ruin your life? If you've made a decision to keep your virginity till marriage, GREAT, but don't expect the same from the person your with... its asking too much.

[zeos133]

I've been through this.

Dave,
I've been in your situation and I know exactly what's going through your head. Here's my story.

I grew up believing in abstinence and had every intention of saving myself for marriage, but I didn't have a high school sweetheart so I kept looking when I got to college. Once in college I discovered that it was increasingly difficult to find a virgin bride (this was in the days before internet dating became popular). I even dated a morman girl that wasn't a virgin (apparently a lot of mormans are rebellious in high school). When I was 21 I met a girl that I was completely smitten with and decided that I couldn't wait any longer. I knew she wasn't a virgin but I told myself it didn't matter. Then we had the numbers conversation and I found out that she'd been with at least 8 guys, one of which was one of my fellow rowing team members and that was just a one night stand (at the time I was morally opposed to this type of behavior). I think I was ok with the couple serious relationships she'd had before me, but some of the less meaningful guys weighed on my conscience. No matter how hard I tried to ignore the thoughts they never went away. The sex we had was awesome, but much of this was because I was a virgin before her so of course it was the best sex of my life! haha. She would never do it doggy style, and I came to find out later that I love that position.

I constantly wondered if I was as good as the other guys she'd been with, I even made the HUGE mistake of asking her. Even though I really loved her, somewhere in the depths of my mind I felt she was a . I know, this is TERRIBLE! She of course was not, but my brain would not let it go. Even though the girls on this site will tell you that you need to get over it because its potentially a great relationship and that there is nothing wrong with your girlfriend, the problem is that you'll probably never get over it. You will potentially be forever self-conscious of your performance with her, and potentially the "jealous" type and over protective. I remember once my girlfriend met some guy on the bus and he'd invited her to get coffee. I forbid her from doing this because I thought it was a typically "date" and he was just interested in her. OMG was that horrible. I couldn't trust her to talk to other guys. I've come a LONG way from that. I love and trust my current girlfriend to do whatever she wants because our relationship was founded on a mutual desire for trust. Sorry, I digress.

There is nothing wrong with saving yourself for marriage, but if you are going to do this I suggest you 1) find yourself a virgin to marry, or 2) find another girl and NEVER ask how many guys she's been with. Guys like you and me do NOT want to know. Ever since my first relationship I tell all my girlfriends that I do not want to know how many. They understand and I'm obliviously happy. haha. Of course I can guess how many my current girl has been with, but I know that its around the same as my current count, so it no longer bothers me. Plus, I've had my own one-nighter, so the thought of her ever having one before me (though, knowing her it never happened) is ok. Ladies, I know you probably think this to be some kind of double standard or that its unfair, and well you're right, but some guys can't control these thoughts. We have to find ways to avoid the topic.

By saving yourself for a virgin neither of you might ever know if there is better sex out there. This can be good and bad. Bad because you could be missing out on much better mind-blowing sex, and good because you don't know it. Those who didn't wait claim that its better and that everyone should gain experience before they get married. Those who wait generally claim that they are very happy they did. hah! go figure! I'm currently on the fence. My first relationship didn't work out, as you can imagine, because I wasn't ok with her past and that lead to other problems in our relationship. Even though I thought the sex was great, and sometimes still some of the best I think I've had (its hard to recall), I was not fully satisfied and I wanted to be with other women so I could find out. Now I've been with other women and I have a pretty good idea what great sex is but I'm in love with a girl that I have a very inconsistent sex life with. its pretty frustrating, but I have hope.

You have a tough decision to make because what you do depends on how important it is to save yourself. If you marry this girl you might never get past your thoughts. This will destroy your relationship and you'll eventually break up. When this happens you will be crushed (it took me a year to get over mine) and you might be ****ed because you'd no longer be a virgin. Hopefully, once you get over the breakup you'll convince yourself that being a virgin wasn't important and you'll sleep around a bit, get over the self-conscious , and find the girl of your dreams.

Or you can leave the current girl and try some online dating sites until you find that perfect virgin girl. Just realize that the sex might turn out to be bad, and again you might break up.

So in the end, no matter what you do you might not find your everlasting relationship on the first try. but don't give up, she's out there somewhere.

Good Luck!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Dave, it's not asking to much just today i read a thread on a woman feeling values and morals, and she was a virgin.

To many people write about themselves, instead of reading what you are saying and replying to your needs.

However, i will say this.

Forget her past... Forget if she was/is/isn't none of that is important, it's whether you love this girl and if so... give her all you have got.

If she is worth it and you would know, then , stop dwelling on what you were bought up with rather dwell on what you know...

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh and I know you felt "dissed" and disappeared that's sad... People should be a tad conscious of what they write, hope you come back.

CW

[redhead22]

you really have to sit down and ask yourself how much it bothers you that she has been with 6 other guys. if it bothers you enough not to have her in your life then you need to move on. if you think you can deal with it because you love her, sit down and talk with her about your reservations/insecurities. if your religious convictions are big factor remember the woman at the well or the woman who the pharasies wanted Jesus to stone. God forgives. the choice is yours. remember that she also came clean to you. and that took courage. it showed that she trusted you enough to tell you about something that she knew you might have a problem with.