[Katie79]

DH and I have been married for 3 years now. The trouble is, once we were married, I discovered that my DH was interested in transgender pornography. He never really hid it as such, because he never denied doing it (so I could never get away with the argument that his hiding it was what hurt me) but he would often wait until I had gone to bed, and then he would surf transgender websites, go on internet chats and often link up with someone on the webcam and basically they would get each other to do sexual things and expose themselves to each other via the internet.

I really wanted to be the cool wife who was ok with it, but I feel hurt and betrayed, as though he is cheating on me. I even told him that I would watch the porn with him, and that we could share it. I did this for a while, but it didn't work that well because I am not in the slightest turned on by transgenders or transvestites, and that is the little extra plus he needs to feel fully sexually satisfied. We can watch all sorts of other regular porn together, and that's fine, but I get the feeling he wants to keep the transgender stuff for himself anyway.

He tells me that he loves me, he's truly sorry that it hurts me, but that he needs it to evacuate the stress built up at work. In all other ways he is the perfect, caring husband, but he says he can't get rid of the need to surf these sites. It doesn't happen that often. He can usually go about 3-4 weeks without doing it, but then it will be pretty intense surfing, chatting and webcam for one week. He has also made an effort to do it a LOT less, but just last night, he waited for me to go to bed, and then spent 2 hours on the internet.

It's a problem for me, because I can see the importance in him being sexually fulfilled, but I can't control my reactions and emotions, which are of hurt and betrayal. I wish I could react differently, but I can't.

It is also making me lose sexual interest in him, which in turn will most likely make the porn problem worse because he isn't getting it from me. I honestly don't know whether I should insist he stops (it won't work), try and find a compromise (if so, what?) or just try and forget about it (not that easy). What would you do in my position?

[WildChild]

Well, it takes all kinds. Personally I can understand why you wouldn't find it worth sharing - that is a rather specialized interest. The average male won't touch that genre. The two of you need to have some serious talks. You need to know exactly what you have gotten into - he may still be figuring that out. If you don't have kids yet, hold off until you get this resolved. I lived around that community for many years, had cross dressing neighbors and transgenders - they were all part of the gay community. Let's face it, a man who finds that to be the 'little extra' he needs to be fully satisfied is not completely straight.

He needs to get clear where he is and where this is going, you need to know also. If he is gay, do you stick around to help him transistion? Do you get out now? Only you can decide. I've known men who married, had families and later decided they couldn't keep up the pretense anymore and they came out. Their former wives, who had built a life in and around marriage found themselves middle aged and on their own after devoting years of their lives to the man - finding out he wants another man rather than you can't be much different than finding out he wants another woman. You have some warning here of what could be on the horizon. You don't know, he may not know but you need to explore this before you get in too much more time.

[Guest]

I'm like WC, If I was in the same situation with a wife I would deeply be concerned about our future and her real desires. I would have to have a heart to heart talk about this and come to some kind of a conclusion as to where it goes from here. Like WC says you certainly don't want to wake up another 5 yrs from now finding out you've made a mistake by holding on to a relationship that's left you in a very unhappy condition!

[nightqueen]

Porn is one thing, and IMHO not a big deal. But all this surfing and chatting and doing sexual acts for other people, that doesn't sit well. I think you have to talk to him about this. I can understand why you're hurt.

[Rebecca Deos]

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem if my partner had a kink that was "his" that I didn't participate in. Everyone has their fantasies and kinks, and I don't have a problem with a partner viewing it.

But....

I think he owes you more of an explanation that "I do it for stress relief". He needs to be a little more expressive in why this is his out, and why TG/TV is his particular kink. If he is better able to express himself, and communicate, it would probably better help you understand the "whys" of the situation.

[missyann]

It's definitely good that he is open with you about. I do, however, disagree that his fetishes are rare. I have known MANY men that have those kinds of fantasies. As another posted alluded to, the porn part isn't alarming--it's the web cam, etc situation. In my opinion, he's not being very faithful to you. However, you've been married for a few years and you're very willing to work this out. I think you, as his partner, have been very understanding and accepting of the situation. It seems like you have done a bit of sacrificing...perhaps it's his turn to start doing some as well.

[Joodgy]

I have been married for twelve long years. My husband has a sexual addiction too. I say too because that is what you are describing. He has an addiction to online porn. My husband is now sober and has been for about six months. I found out about his little problem when we had been married only six months. You can do the math and see how long i had to live with it. I will give you the best advice i got. Seek out a codependant support group especially for spouses and relatives of those with sex addictions.

[Steph33]

No matter how you explain it, to me a guy who watches porn is cheating on his female. Simple as that.

[Richard S]

They had a "Sex and the City" episode about this. Porn is a complex issue, but saying "I need to do it to relieve stress" is a complete cop-out.

Your issue is not porn. Your issue is that he's not being honest with you.

The glass is either half empty or half full. The "half full" version is that he has an appetite that he can't indulge with you, so he takes care of it this way, and in return he remains a good husband in every other respect.

The "half empty" version is that, deep down, he knows he's cheating on you, he's just hoping you'll give him a pass and allow this "thing" to remain in the space of your marriage. It's no different then if he were actually cheating with another person.

Some people have an addictive personality and some don't. The ones who don't just indulge every now and then, and that's it. Sometimes it's no different than what we did with a Playboy magazine 30 years ago. Are you going to treat something like that as if it were a marriage-breaker?

You have to talk to him about it and lay down rules. For example, one rule could be "It's OK to look at pictures or download video clips and keep a few of them on your computer, but don't ever reach out to real, actual people on line."

I think the thing you described with the chat rooms and the web cams is beyond the pale, and I would not put up with it.

Good luck with this.

[shebbie]

I have a somewhat similar problem (being that my fiance of 2 years likes to talk to other women and do things online with them like you described). Although I'm not so sure I can offer any great words of wisdom, I'd be extremely interested to see how the situation turns out. I too want to be the cool fiance, but can't help but feel like I'm not enough or like he's hiding more... Good luck to you.