[nsharonew]

Hello,
I found this forum because something is weighing heavily on my mind. I was in a relationship for 10 years, he was the only one I was ever with, and the sex was....one-sided. Sort of like "Hey, come here a second" or getting drunk and him having his way until he rolled over. Quite frankly, it was never about me, and I never had an orgasm.

Now, that's over. I am with a guy who says the only thing he wants to do is "give me my cookies", he doesn't even really care (he says) if he gets his, as long as I get mine and anything beyond that is great, by him.

Well, he wants to know how I feel. He wants me to tell him what feels good, what I want him to do, what I don't like, and all that, but not during, just in regular conversation. Fact is, I CANNOT verbalize these things, and the poor guy just doesn't know what to do. I was never told sex was dirty or bad, I just don't know how to say "I like it when you..." or "I don't like it when you...". Maybe I am embarassed and I know I shouldn't be. Maybe I will feel like a total n00b if I actually hear the words come out of my mouth, or if I do manage to get a squeak of something, it will sound all technical like middle-school sex-ed. I don't know the real reason, but I want so badly to make him happy because he is doing so much for me in that respect (and don't get me wrong, relationship wise, we are great, and I do take care of him in life, as well as in bed...)

So, how do I get past the barrier? I have been emailing back and fourth with him, that's ok for now. He said I don't have to talk to him, we can ease into it. I can tell him I don't want to talk about it (but he also says if I do he will know what to do). He has left books over at my apartment to look at, and I look things up on the internet. I made a list of what I like, don't like, indifferent or would like to try, thinking if I could read it out loud to myself and hear myself say it, it might make me want to say it out loud to him (getting used to hearing myself say the words). I can't read it out loud! I told him to push me a bit, ask me yes or no questions to start and go from there...

Well, clearly I am not a person of few words...but there are some words I can't say...Halp!

[rcoreyus]

I've never been able to talk about sex either.

Maybe make it a game? He asks you a question and if you don't answer he gives you a spanking?

[sourpuss]

Do you give any cues during sex as to what feels good?

[Rebecca Deos]

Don't expect your comfort level to change overnight. But it seems that you are working on it, researching, pushing your comfort level, etc. So you already have made the biggest change, and that is committing to change.

Relax, and give yourself some credit, it just might take a little time. And remember whats on the other side, the abilty to have great communication, and openness with your patner.

[kms]

I find it difficult too... although I was raised to think sex is a dirty, evil sin! I've been with my bf for over 2 years now and things have improved tremendously... yet I still feel embarrassed and a little shy to talk about it. At least I can manage to actually talk about it now.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think you are on the right track with talking to him in emails, or writing things down in general. Sometimes it is easier to type or write things out than it is to say them. Get comfortable with writing these things to him and then it will be easier to also say them.

Sounds like you have a fantastic man there, and you are right to meet him half way and try to learn how to get comfortable expressing yourself. The list you made is a good thing, why not show it to him when you guys are snuggling on the sofa in a non sexual way. Have HIM read it outloud to you. It will be embarassing, you are sure to giggle and cover your face in a pillow or something, but I think you could make that a fun and playful way to overcome your fears.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sorry, but do you live close to each other?

When did the emails start if so, and if not, has the whole thing been based on "emails" internet? Lastly, sorry, lol, but how long have you been seeing him?

I ask because:

1. If you see each other, but you find written word easier, i get that. And, what a man, working with you over your in-securities of finding you...

2. If it's internet only - vulnerable? And, so can i ....

Can I leave it at that, until you reply to this?

CW

[skipper]

I'm a guy and my wife has the same issues you do. I'll ask her in and out of bed what she would like me to do or do differently and she says it all feels good. It's somewhat frustrating for me b/c I know that some things must feel better than others. Sometimes you want a certain touch but other times the same touch can be annoying. At least, it's that way for me, so I know it must be the same for her.

So I am left guessing what she wants and likes and hoping that I can get it right by watching her body react to what I am doing. Sometimes I get it right, but sometimes I don't. So I think your bf is sincere in wanting to give you the max pleasure in bed. It is extremely arousing to be able to really arouse your partner.

I started texting her dirty talk and at first her replys were simply, "your such a perv!". Now over time, her responses have gotten so naughty they turn me on immediately. In fact, yesterday I had to leave work early to meet her in bed we got so turned on. I love it.

You guys are doing the email thing and that's a good start. Can you maybe guide his hands/head on your body to show him what you like? That's non-verbal.

You have this magnificant body designed for intense pleasure and you are entitled and deserving to enjoy this gift. Now you have a bf that is asking you to help him help you. Wow, what an opportunity. What do you have to lose by opening up to him and telling him or even demanding that you get the pleasure you deserve?

In the bedroom, your partner doesn't expect you be "lady-like", far from it. He wants the opposite. He is hoping/praying for a sensual, lustful, horny animal who tells him how she needs to be pleased. Tell him and enjoy. I know he will.

[nsharonew]

Wow, I didn't really expect all of the comments! Thank you so much. First, he lives approximately 4 minutes away from me, but might as well live in my apartment...except his stuff isn't here and he doesn't pay rent. He has a toothbrush here and deoderant, to me, that's the ultimate sign of committment! We have been actively dating almost four months now, and have been inactively dating for about 7...spent all our free time together before active dating, and great friends (long distance friends) since middle school. So it isn't an internet thing.

I made a suggestion to him (via email) that instead of saying "What do you want?" he should stick to yes or no questions for now. Well, let's say we tried this experiment last night and it was a crazy success, trust me, and I think it's the right way to go. I don't know if I want to show him the list yet, or ever, kind of goes back to the 8th grade sex-ed thing, but we are on the right track.

I am very lucky to have him, he NEVER puts himself first for anything, in or out of the bedroom, he is so nice, and I want to do everything I can to make him happy because he has helped me through a tremendously hard time (Still waiting for the divorce).

But definately keep those suggestions coming, otherwise, I am afraid the extent of my communication will be how many times I say yes to the yes or no questions ;P

[shweedart]

Make it fun and so that the attention isn't all on you...Say getting into some heated kissing, lip nibbling etc... and whisper it in his hear and as you do slide your hand somewhere um...'distracting' then take his hand (or whatever) and get him to try it...then when he does say its his turn to tell you one of the things he likes...etc, take it in turns. Saves you being the only one feeling vulnerable Turn it into some sort of teasey game! Hope this helped


haha im going to give my own advice a try when I see my bf tomorrow oh yes!