[pinkbutterfly]

My husband and i have sex 2-3 times a week... according to him thats not enough and if i want him not to cheat i need to have more sex....
before we got married we had sex like once a month.... since we got married i have tried to have more but its not enough for him.... i am so frustrated...
u see i just dont have such a large sex drive as he does and it turns me off when you is ALWAYS trying to have sex....
what should i do?

[acerousme]

Hi,
Im Ace....Nice to meet you PB.
First, I must start off by telling you that this would get the attention needed if it were in the "Sex and Sexual health" area...
But, I will state my oppinion.

He will CHEAT if you dont give in? PFFFT....Go and buy him some porn and say "Enjoy"....or give him a magazine, and show him where the bathroom is.
But, tell us about your sex life....does he seem satisfied after you guys are finished??
ANY man that is willing to cheat, or even SAY that is a jerk.

[WildChild]

Ace is right that was a jerkish thing for him to say but it sounds like he is really frustrated. Do you enjoy sex? Do you orgasm? I'm guessing not, simply because if you did you'd want it more often too. Perhaps you need to educate yourself about what arouses you? And yes this is a discussion better suited to the sex thread.
Could the two of you talk about this? How often does he want? Is he willing to help you explore what turns you on? Are you willing to give him a quickie now and then or a hand job or bj or even just watch while he pleasures himself? Can you find some middle ground while you work on finding you desire? A book I would recommend to start with is the Orgasm Loop.

[rcoreyus]

From my experience wanting sex doesn't correlate with having orgasms. My wife usually has an orgasm when we have sex, but rarely wants sex. Different people find different levels of sex acceptable, for some once a month is fine, for others twice a day.

If one parter wants sex less than the other, it leads to real strain in the relationship. Essentially the one who wants less sex "controls" the sex in the relationship - it happens when and only when he/she wants it. (the other partner is so desperate that the will never turn it down). The partner who wants less sex constantly feels pressured. The one who wants more constantly feels rejected. Each thinks the other is being unreasonable. It is easy for the one who wants less sex to use it as a weapon - basically witholding sex if the other doesn't do what they want. It is easy for the one who wants more to use it to excuse everything - "I cheated because you wouldn't give me enough sex".

I've been in this situation for over 20 years now - I could go on and on with the problems it causes.

[pinkbutterfly]

Ace ----- My husband has let me know that he sometimes satisfied when we are finished with sex.... What a slap in my face...
Wildchild -----i do enjoy sex i actually dont organsm from penetration...
We are able to speak about the topic... i am the one who is willing to compromise while he is steadfast on the fact that he wants sex everyday and thats that!
Yes he is willing to explore what turns me on..and i do try to be open to it at times (thats my fault..i will work on that)
I do give him a bj as often as he wants it.so no complains there...
I will most certainly look for that book...
I figured that because we so rarely had sex before our marriage he should be happy to be getting it now more often ...but he is certainly not impressed...
Yes he can be a jerk at times...I still love that Jerk tho..
Rcoreyus ---- You hit every "nail on the head"......
I never knew this website existed but im so happy i found it... i really value each of your opinions.. thank you

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your Husband, is trying to emotionally blackmail you...

You have already stated that you were having it once a month before marriage, then you compromised ( well done, important in a marriage) to 2 - 3 times a week for him, obviously other things as well sexually.

Now, that he has got you to that level, he's blackmailing you over " more or I will cheat".. WT?

Ask yourself, what has he compromised for you? What has he either given up, slowed down on, or given more of himself to you? Anything?

Some people feel if they start the threats, you'll get scared and try even more, really that's not the way to handle a situation of compromise especially seeing as you have already compromised.

If he states that he's willing to explore more with you, don't you do all the work, let him find you... what you like and dont, let him explore and tell him this should be fun not a chore, and not *** for tat, or with an agenda, rather, two people in love seeing how far they can climb together.. or else... you'll find a lesbian lover to find it for you... haha, ( joking) well that might give him some of his "jerk" streak back on him hey..

CW

[jss2000]

Hi PB, Just wanting to add my two cents to what others have said (or maybe two dollars?? yikes!!--long post):

First, I'm not sure why he wants to have sex so much more often than he did before you were married. If this is really a drastic change on his part, it may indicate a health problem. Or the opposite, maybe he's feeling better. Another possibility... could it be that he actually did want to have sex with you this often before you were married--But that only recently he's gotten comfortable enough to ask you so often? If that's the case (maybe I'm way off base), this can be a good step for your marriage--a chance for the two of you to communicate more openly.

You can test your assumptions about what exactly he's asking for. He can find out what exactly you're turning down. Both of you may learn you were wrong about what the other did or didn't want.

The next time he asks for sex, try asking him, "What kind of sex do you have in mind?" Does he want comfort sex? Fun sex? Maintenance/quickie sex? Make-up sex? Something else? The point is, there are a multitude of motivations for having sex. Is he conscious of his at this moment? Can he tell you what it is?

Let's say he doesn't. What happens? You know he's interested in sex, but because he didn't tell you what kind, it makes it hard for you to contribute to a positive encounter. He wanted one sort of sex, you met him with another. Afterwards, he knows the sex was off-target, but can't explain why.

Bottom line, try asking him to describe the current need/want he hopes sex will fulfill. His requests might start sounding less like a broken record ("he just wants sex all the time"). (Men have their subtleties of mood too!)

Getting the full story about why he wants to have sex today--when you just made love yesterday--may make it easier to see him as your husband (who has feelings that may change from day to day) rather than a crazed sex maniac. The first guy elicits affection and empathy; the second guy evokes disgust. By understanding him better, you can avoid that frustrated reaction (because he might take it the wrong way.)
[continued in next post...]

[jss2000]

Once you know the "why," you can decide where you stand. If you're hesitant because you're not sure you could put much "fun" into the fun sex, tell him that. Maybe you can suggest a slightly modified version of his idea? Or ask him to suggest something different. Just bounce some ideas back and forth, until you've got something that you can both be happy about.

Give him options to choose from. Discussing the merits of a rain check ("we could have fun sex tomorrow, or slightly tired sex tonight--I'm up for either, which one sounds better to you right now?") is one idea, (if he likes the former option better, then you're off the hook!). Another thing you could suggest is, "what if we were to do something I want today (an intimate chat or a foot rub or whatever suits your fancy), and then we do something you want tomorrow? how does that sound?"

The main point here is, whatever your gut reaction to his idea, don't shut him down. Now that you understand him, help him understand you. Make sure he knows you have reservations but that you're committed to finding a mutual solution. Then find that middle ground between you.

It's like you're two kids in the school playground, trying to decide whether to play tetherball or tag. Ultimately it's not so important what you end up doing, as is it is that everyone feels involved in deciding. That's the glue that holds the group together. When someone starts feeling shut out, they either walk off or talk even louder in order to be heard. Sure, their behavior is immature and obnoxious, but it can be changed. Get them more involved in the decision making, and they're happy again, right? I'm only guessing from what you said earlier, but the same might help with your husband. Best wishes!

[skipper]

It sounds to me like you are both very frustrated. He is so frustrated he's telling you he might cheat which seems like a cry for help to me. Why tell you if he is going to cheat? You, on the other hand, don't want to get constantly bombarded by mr. happy. So where is the middle ground?

I suggest you guys talk w/ a marriage counselor. He/she can give you tools and ideas for hopefully finding a truce. I did this years ago w/ my first wife. We had issues other than sex and the counselor give us ways to effectively communicate. For us, it didn't work out, but that turned out to be a good thing for both of us in the long run.

This is a tough one that is going to require a lot of work, but marriages require a lot of work and you generally get out more than you put in. Good luck.

[d9139ont]

PB,

Does he satisfy you sexually ie. do you have an orgasm at some point? You have not really said anything about that.

How does a love-making session go? Foreplay (including him orally pleasuring you) and then intercourse? Once he has orgasmed is it over? How long does a session last?

Do you have children? We do and we certainly don't have sex 3 times a week.

I ask these questions to get a gage of how selfish he sounds to be.