[No_Regrets]

Hi everyone,

I'm a 25 yr old woman, in a relationship for over 4 months. It's the first relationship where I've had intercourse and I'm very happy with my sex life and the relationship in general!
However...I can't seem to orgasm. I can on my own and even with my partner while masturbating but I can't during sex or through stimulation or even oral sex. I enjoy receiving oral sex of course and I know it's the means through which most women climax. Maybe it's that pressure in a sense that's making it tough for me. Sometimes it tingles too much nearly. I know I definitely think too much about it....I would REALLY appreciate some help/advice. My bf and I are so happy together and we can talk about it too but I know he would be happier if I could orgasm with him as well.

I haven't told him yet, not sure if I should, that the way I discovered about masturbation was a bit strange...here goes:
Basically, when I was 12 I happened to be online in a chatroom. This random person (man) started talking to me and he began giving me directions to use my hands on my vagina and I reached my first orgasm. I even told my mother about it, I was kinda confused. I learned to accept masturbation is normal a few years later and it's now something I enjoy as personal time about once a week or more dependent. Does anyone think this is something I need to discuss with my partner? Could it have affected my perception on sex/orgasms?

I really hope to hear some opinions. It's really great to have lost my virginity...having been nervous about it and wanting it to be with the right person and at the right time, I am soo pleased about how it's turned out. Now I need to learn how I can relax and enjoy it fully through orgasms as well, whether it be through oral or penetrative sex.

Thank you!

[Hopeless Dork]

I love sex, bring myself to orgasm quickly with direct gspot stimulation alone, clitoral stimulation alone or both (that ones nice) I can orgasm with my boyfriends finger inside of me and on his penis but I have yet to do so with oral sex. It feels increddibly good to me but I just can't seem to let go and relax enough when he is down there to come.

Even though I am confident I am smelling and tasting clean healthy and normal , I worry about if he is liking it, I worry about how I look that close up down there... worry worry worry instead of just taking in the pleasure which if I am sure I did that I'd be able to have an orgasm that way. I also produce a small amount of ejaculate during a strong orgasm and I worry if that would weird him out too.

[WildChild]

You always need to communicate with your sexual partner and no there isn't anything you could have done masterbating that should affect your ability to orgasm now. Excessive vabrator use can decrease your sensitivity though.

Start spending more time in foreplay. See it you can get a copy of The Orgasm Loop, she explains how to pull it together so you have a lot more control over your orgasms.

[Richard S]

That's quite a story, being 12 and all. I would definitely encourage you to tell your partner, and maybe consider addressing it with a therapist at some point. Even if you've made peace with it, it was still an abusive act and a transgression of boundaries.

Sometimes a loving partner is all you need. Sometimes the right therapist can make all the difference. I wouldn't presume to tell you which way is right.

[No_Regrets]

Thanks everybody...
One query about my experience at aged 12 - should I be worried about what my bf might think? He really cares about me and is very open and likes to talk about things. I hope he won't think badly of me, even though I know he'd have no reason to logically speaking.
I really appreciate all your advice and opinions so far though

[WildChild]

What happened when you were 12 is probably only an issue if you have some taboos associated with it. And certainly in a society which still has a lot puritanism running through it, it could be. If your bf has a problem with this though, I'd say good bye. Kids start masterbating at different ages and learn in different ways, your experience on line was inappropriate on his part - but then did he know how old you were? You could have as well seen it in a book or on TV.

It shouldn't be an issue, especially since you were able to discuss it with your mother and it doesn't sound like she did a big freak out. Sometimes the real trauma associated with things is in the reactions of those around us. It's how we learn Not to touch ourselves and that feeling good, "down there", is bad. Some people never get over that and end up on forums asking, 'why can't I orgasm? I feel nothing'. This is only an issue if you make it one. How do you feel about it?

You are right that a lot of being able to orgasm with intercourse is relaxation and trust. It may well come in time. You know you can orgasm and he can get you there through other means which puts you way ahead of a lot of women! Get a copy of that book, the sex therapist who wrote it has used the techniques she teaches with a lot of women. I read it and found that I did much of what she teaches just on my own and I'm multi. I've never not cum with my current partner. I do believe increasingly that virtually all women should be able to not only orgasm but orgasm with intercourse. Keep working on it - I think you'll get there !

[Richard S]

Thanks everybody...
One query about my experience at aged 12 - should I be worried about what my bf might think? He really cares about me and is very open and likes to talk about things. I hope he won't think badly of me, even though I know he'd have no reason to logically speaking. I really appreciate all your advice and opinions so far though

I encourage you to tell the truth. We all have "stories" in our sexual history. It's all about building trust and intimacy. Part of being in your 20's is to take your earlier experiences from your teen years and view them in a larger context. It's all part of a normal and healthy process of growing up.

No shame in any of it.

[ripdabs]

Hopeless Dork,

First of all men LOVE the smells as long as they're natural and no funkiness. This is the pheromones that attract a guy. As for looks, I've always liked the shaved or waxed look. My wife on the other hand like the 1970's look. Do I complain? No. I still go down on her and alot of times after she has cum a couple of times, she has to pull me up so we can have intercourse. So don't worry about it.

[Peacheskreme]

WEll.. ky just put out a new for her tingling gel that you put on your clitoris. YOu should get some and play with yourself while he is in you. make sure its not too strong first cause some can be. and maybe think of whatever you think of when you masterbate with him. He can't read your mind.

It took me a long time to have an orgasm while having sex. I ended up demanding things are my way and spoke up more about what I like and then it started happening.