[wohe]

hi all,
I found this site while searching the topic "mismatched libidos". I would really appreciate some female opinions because I'm sure I'm about to irreversably screw up my marriage but at this point I'm willing to chance it just to feel "alive" again.My wife and I are married 10 years with 3 kids.I'm 40 ish and my wife is mid 30s.At this point the sex is occuring about once every month or 2 and it's that's only because I tend to start complaining and throwing hints that I'm about to explode.If I didnt push the issue I'm pretty sure we would be doing it about once per season! The weird thing is that when we do have sex she certainly seems to enjoy it and we always orgasm together which I find really cool.She's blaming the lack of sex on the kids and being dog tired but what bothers me is that on the rare occasion when she's horny there is nothing that will stand in the way.(I remember walking by the bathroom door once,just after coming home from work, and suddenly a hand reached out and pulled me into the bathroom.the kids were playing in the other rooms on the same floor but she didn't care because she wanted it right then and there.So in other words,when she wants it,it does not matter if the kids are around or not but when I want it,I may just have to get over it and wait 5 or 6 weeks until the proper circumstances exist.This is so unfair! By the time she wants to have sex I already wanted to have sex 10 times,therefore she will never understand this feeling of being frustrated and feeling rejected.We've even reached the point where after drinking a few glasses of wine on the weekend(which used to automatically result in a roll in the hay) does not usually have the same effect anymore. I'm not a dirtbag but I really need to be touched more than once every 2 months.I've always taken my marriage vows seriously and never even put myself in the position to have a moment of weakness but now I'm considering flirting with other women and have even found myself browsing craigslist for professional help. I'm reading posts on here about women who want sex once a day and have husbands who are not interested and wish to god I'd married one of you instead of my wife. Any advice would be deeply appreciated.

[Steph33]

Best advice I could give is since it sounds like the rest of the relationship is OK.

Get a sitter and just go somewhere and just sit and talk (communicate). Let her know it's past being a frustration and is a problem that makes you unhappy to the point where your relationship is in major trouble. Not attack, assault, but just explain this isn't working for you and if she's your best friend (assume most working couples are) she'll work with you to find some medium or solution. I see nothing wrong with saying what you have isn't something you can or want to live with and ask for her help in fixing it. Kids and tired needs to be removed from the excuse menu, they can be avoided by sitters, time at friends of kids, or changing the time of day for sex. You have to agree how often/when/how, but obvious the frequency has to be increased.

[alicat]

don't cheat! if you are that unhappy in the relationship then end it first! cheaters wreck havoc on everybody involved.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It is so easy to become distant from "sex" if that is what it is, "sex"..

You know it's expected and it can become yet another chore, I work, I have kids, I have to have sex now.

You "aren't" saying, "I MISS MY WIFE", I miss the intimacy, kissing her, seeing her eyes look at me when we make love. In fact you make mention of "horny" sex, when she pulled you in the bathroom.

So, if that's how your feeling, you "want sex" maybe that's how she's feeling " he wants sex"..

Passion is soooo hard to maintain and keep, off course it can go out the window and just become "needs"..

You don't say what you do for work and how you feel when you get home. Whether you grab that beer from the fridge and sit down on the lounge, whilst she feeds the kids, from her job and then commences dinner for you, knowing your relaxing and she's not.

Anything can trigger off to a woman " It's just sex", if that is how she feels.

You don't say, you run her a bath with candles and tell her you'll do a BBQ, she needs to relax from the day.

You don't say, that you love her and tell her so and that she feels it and cuddles you on the lounge at night when the kids are asleep.

You can go and get your jollies and have "sex" I am saying, maybe she is feeling just that, that it is just "sex".

Family time.
Holidays.
Date nights.
Baths.
Hugs without wanting sex.

What do you two do there?

CW

[caterpillar79]

From A Woman's Standpoint

Women are intimate emotional beings. For most of us, we don't see sex the way you, men, see it. That being said, as far as my tribe is concerned (Lol!), we make love and not merely sex...in this regard, we have to feel the connection, the intimacy, the emotional intensity, the passion, and the caring, affectionate touches and kisses from our man.

You question her lack of drive, yet, have you asked yourself about your demeanor - your way of showing how much you lust for her in a caring, loving, passionate way?

Personally, if I am tired, and I don't feel the emotional "come on" from my man, I really see sex as a chore and it drives me away - for real!

Re-evaluate yourself. It takes a lot of time and patience to build up a woman's libido. Maybe touch here and there everyday, without ending into sex. Watch a movie, or TV while you cuddle close - wrap in a blanket naked, just feel each other's skin and body - believe me, it's awesome. Don't anticipate for sex all the time. There are a lot of things that you can do - sometimes far better than sex, which could make you feel closer and more intimate. Once you've established that connection, sex is not sex anymore - but passionate love making.

Bottomline: know her love languages.

[Joy]

I would have to say talk to her too. Let her know how much you love her and you need to express that love with a lil more sex. YOU take the lead find a sitter set the mood and surprise her. Ya know women love it when men make an effort to be romantic.... it shows you put some thought into how you wanted the evening to go not just here I am with my penis lets get the party started

Medically is everything ok with her? Has she started any new meds that could make her tired and drag her out? Is she on meds that decreases her sex drive?

You are not a dirt bag for wanting to be touched and getting physical with your wife..... however if you cheat dirt bag will be your new name in your wifes books.

[alien]

I totally understand this man. I've had the same problem for the last 2 years. Being sexually frustrated is one of the worst things; sometimes it might make men feel like she is not interested or like we're not good enough for her. At the same time, I understand the advice all these women have given so far. I know that women need to feel the passion and it's not only about sex but far beyond. My only problem is that I feel like my girl expects more from me than what I can give. I've tried to talk to her about it, to have communication so that we make each other happy, but when it comes to talk about sex, she doesn't feel like talking about it or blames the fact that she "was raised catholic" which is a fear her parents gave her. I don't plan to cheat on her because I would feel dirty to even look at her. She's the best friend I have and the most awesome woman I've ever known. I just don't know how to make her feel more passionate. I see that a problem she has is that she likes to do so many things during the day and by the time we go to bed, she is too tired. Nothing else to do, but to hope that make her fall in love again. Any suggestions?

[alien]

by the way... have you tried porn? I know it's not the same, but it works to get rid of the sexual energy. Anything not to cheat on your wife, man.

[WildChild]

I'm going to differ with some of the other ladies in that we certainly can (and your wife apparently does sometimes) just flat out want sex, want it now and it doesn't always require lots of build up and foreplay. However when we love someone and care for them we want to have intimacy, to make love, to take it to another level.

You need to talk, the suggestion that you get a sitter and truly have uninterrupted time to talk is a good one. Marriage or any committed relationship involves negotiation and compromise. It also requires clear understanding. All too often we humans want the fantasy that the other "knows" what we feel or want. It just isn't so usually. Explain as calmly and simply as possible how much you love her, how committed you are and how this is affecting you and your feelings. It's hard to love in a vacuum. There are relationship experts who claim (Jonh Grey is my fav) that for most women love brings a higher level of sexual feelings, while for men the closeness of sex enhances the feeling of love. She needs to know and understand how important this is to you.

There are some books that might be a good read on this, John grey would be good, Mama Gena's Marriage Manual talks about the "Mommy Syndrome" (mommies aren't sexy) and Lube Job.

[reilu]

WOAH!! hold on!!! did you talk to her about it first?? I mean really truly sat down and had a heart to heart talk about how you feel?? you guys are married!! you should be able to talk issues like this.

how can you consider cheating when you dont even first talk to her? I mean I know you tell her that you want sex, but did you ever sit down and tell her that its affecting your relationship? TALK TO HER!! and did you want to make love to her, or jsut have sex? theres a difference! yes everyone has those horny urges that need to be taken care of, but you can do that and also make it very intimate!

and besides, cheating is no good! think of how that would make you feel, if your wife had an issue with soemthing you did or didnt do, but didnt come and talk to you about and just cheated on you?? wouldnt you have wanted to be given a chance? cheating is wrong, no matter how you look at it. have enough decency to break up with the person before you pursue any other. seriously.

this is something that can be resolved! dont sink down to cheating! please. think of your children as well. you are their father. they look up to you. what are you teaching them if you cheat? will they be able to look at you the same if they were to find out??

talk to your wife! think about your children! this can be fixed! it takes communication and patience!! it takes EFFORT!!

good luck!!