[Possibilities]

I would be interested in hearing some feedback regarding the line between vaginal and anal sex. I have been casual friends with this boy for over 5 years now and in the past we have gone on a few dates and did sleep together once several years ago.

He recently invited me to his house for a celebration and at the end of the night after we had both consuming a fair amount of alcohol he invited me into his bedroom. I accepted, though I was more interested in kissing, touching and oral sex. I did expect to engage in vaginal sex but he repeatedly, without asking, entered me anally. I repeatedly removed his penis attempting to direct him towards my vagina stating no thanks as far as anal went and asking him to please be a bit nicer. He said he would be nice and then again attempted anal sex, I said that by nice I meant, I did not want him to put his penis in my rectum, he said ok and then for the final time put his penis in my rectum, this time causing an intense burst of pain, I screamed, swore, and threw him off of me –he then apologized. We returned to the bedroom and finished having vaginal sex and everything was fine.

I suppose in the days following I am having some problems because I am in a bit of pain and I do feel violated. Where is the line between permission and non-permission? If I have given permission for vaginal sex does this also encompass anal sex? Is it contradictory for me to feel a bit victimized?

[WildChild]

What he did was crossing the line. NOTHING is acceptable without consent, you specifically said no. Some people would consider this rape. It's non-consensual sex.

NEVER, NEVER, go from anal to vaginal. EVER. You can get some really nasty infections. If you want to go back and forth use condoms and change them immediately after anal, washing his penis would be a good idea too.

[Guest]

And although that this incident was 100% the guy's fault, you have to take the initiative next time.

My guess is since after he hurt you and you still consented to sex until he finished, that it didn't bother you too much at the time. That's probably because of the alcohol.

Consider your company and consider also the possible consequences of binge drinking and sex play next time.

[Swiftus]

#1. Agree with Wildchild. NEVER go ATV or ATM without changing condoms and washing up first.

#2. Sorry to sound rude, but how was it so easy for him to do this interchangibly? Every woman I know would have clamped down.

#3. If you don't want him to do it, say so. Loud and clear!.

#4. Permission, per se, is kind of hard to "get". Do we need sexual hookup contracts with specific acts allowed? I agree what he did was wrong.

[WildChild]

[QUOTE=Swiftus;97185

#4. Permission, per se, is kind of hard to "get". Do we need sexual hookup contracts with specific acts allowed? I agree what he did was wrong.[/QUOTE]

LOL
But she did first redirect and then tell him no anal. So that wasn't a matter of permission, it was a denial.

[Possibilities]

Disillusioned

I suppose I didn’t mention we moved to the shower during the majority of this, but I am aware of the sexual hygiene rules, also there was no binge drinking, we drank a bottle of wine between us over 4 or 5 hours. I would not contend that I feel raped, because I consented to sex (though I could not sincerely claim to know what rape is or is not). I am also not proposing anything as unfitting as consent forms, because I think consent is quite clear and I was clear as far as not consenting to anal. I suppose I just wanted a broader perspective and from your remarks, Swiftus, it sounds as though it is acceptable to equate permission for one the same as both - which I suppose is what I was asking. I have never had someone attempt anal sex without asking and so I might disagree with the idea that permission is hard to “get”- all you have to do is make your partner aware of what you would like to do. If this is a common stance I suppose I will have to expressly state that I would like to be asked before being penetrated in new places the future.

As far as how it was possible to enter, I am not a doctor, but I am a woman and I do know pelvic floor muscles also control the muscles that close the anus, vagina and urethra. You clamp one and you more or less clamp them all. When you are expecting one point of entry and get another you are not “clamped”, nor should I you have to be. Once the penis enters you may “clamp” out of surprise and that is what causes much of the paid and injury. Maybe the area is too grey but I would not have assumed that I was in bad company at the time, I think the aggressiveness was completely out of character from what I had come to know of my friend and that is perhaps what startled and upset me more than anything. Perhaps the remnants of pain just make the incident more prevalent in my mind than it would otherwise be.

[eldwomco]

What he did was wrong,wrong,wrong. Did I say it was wrong?

There is absolutely a difference between permission for vaginal sex and anal sex. Consent for one in no way implies consent for the other. And especially since you specifically told him no after the first attempt. You may not know what constitutes rape, but I would say that after specifically saying to no to a specific act and then having it performed on you anyway, would be a sexual assault. Personally, I don't know what the big deal is about anal anyway. Why would you want an anus when there is a perfectly good vagina right next door? I had a bf who was obsessed with trying it. After much persuasion, we tried it and it was not at all enjoyable for me and was somewhat painful. There is no biological reason for a woman to enjoy anal. There IS a biological reason for a man to enjoy anal stimulation on himself as it massages the prostate.

[Swiftus]

Before I get yelled at... I want to further say that it was wrong.

I guess I didnt read the part where you said that you told him no after removing him from you. After that, it could be classified as sexual assault as stated above.

I honestly thought that you pulled it out without saying anything and he kept trying. On the other side, you probably should have been a tad more angry/forceful. Letting him keep going even vaginally or orally is not sending the right message.

I do disagree, however, that we need a clause for each sexual act that could take place with an acquantaince. I dont remember being asked by a woman if she could go down on me. I dont remember ever asking if I could go down on a woman. I remember from my youth when I did something not wanted, the girl would say stop and I'd stop. In the OP's scenario, this DID take place and he should have stopped (now rereading what the OP said... sorry for not being as thorough earlier).

It seems as if the stigma of anal requires us to always ask if it is okay. It is like the optional insurance that you get from a car rental place.

Also, bravo to the OP for having that kind of muscle control.

[starjoy08]

You said No, and that is all that counts. Being drunk might have been part of the problem, but No is No!!!!

[Guest]

If he can't respect you saying no .. what makes you think he'll respect you some other way...( i'm just saying)

Even though you guys were drunk and you are taking responsibility...be careful. NO is still NO.