[WildChild]

How can a man stay without sex for 10 years? A marriage is a give and take relationship. Compromises should be done. She should have sex with you not because she has to do it but out of love. Humans have needs.

Heck! How can a woman go without for 10 years?! 10 days has me climbing the walls !
Non expectant affection can be a good starting point but she does need to understand, fully, that marriages are two way streets. It's give and take. Compromise and not just demands or refusals. Essesntially you are housemates, raising a child together.

Getting POd is a very poor response to anything. It is a way of shutting off commincation. Find another counselor and if she won't go, you should go anyway. She needs to learn better communications skills and dig in and figure out what is going on.

[nightqueen]

You haven't had sex in ten years and you're still married? Married people who love one another have sex regularly. That's one of the very special things that makes them married. I say you need very serious and very intesnse counseling together, and alone. How on earth have you both gone for ten years with no sex?? I really wish you good luck.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You say the previous councelling didn't work, wrong councellor but it did bring a few issues to the table, anger etc.

If those weren't resolved and worked on and alterned changed then... Then, there will be no trust for it to work now.

If she is stressed in her job, is it a job she loves doing or is she doing it for love, of her family?

Can you sit down and honestly list quality, positive points that you both have within your marriage, outside of being good parents? And, without thinking about sex, meaning, do you laugh together as 1) example.... 2) hold hands when out, 3) hug each other....

If there is no touching what so ever, no emotions are there to work with.

Have you excersised an idea to help relieve the stress from her? I assume you work the same hours, but who does everything within the household?

What was she angry about? Did you agree with her anger?

There are no quick fixes and sometimes, there is no resolution if it's too late and the love /lust has completely gone and can't be regained.

Your first step in my opinion is in answers to the above questions.

Second step is therefore to accept and understand and work with the initial problems that were there to start with that caused this to fade into the background.

Is that possible?

CW

[LanaBear]

LanaBear...thanks for that insight...that is how I have been seeing it so I can find a certain amount of comfort in your analysis...but what is a man to do?

I wish I could answer that because the crpy thing about it, if my husband would have left during that time, I can't say that I could have blamed him... Although, I didn't holdout completely, I gave in once a week to once every couple... That was the ONLY source of our frustration for a long time... Now that it is gone, we are both much much happier.

Build up that post count buddy, I can share a lot of insight, frustrations, thoughts and ideas on this subject. It's something I rarely ever talk about because I am embarrassed about it, but I know the situation. So like I said, build up that post count and we can take it to PM.

[151]

Counseling...

...we each have our own counselors and are happy with them. So, at least, we are trying to work on our own separate issues with the hope that we can later come together late. Couples counseling at this point is off the table. The upside is that we have a happy kid and I will make sure that our child has a healthy attitude toward sex and relationships - I actually have some knowledge in that area to pass on!!!

[151]

LanaBear

I just join this site today but will work on my post count!! Oh!, look this is another one!!!

[WildChild]

Get in the lounge and play.

[rcoreyus]

You have every right to leave your marriage if you want. I understand you have kids, and that makes it very difficult.

I also feel you have the right to have an affair - no one has the right to deprive a person of sex for their entire life. BTW- are you sure she isn't having an affair on the side and using you for a fool?

[Guest]

Ouch man.

10 years.

Do you folks even touch each other, or embrace or kiss?

Sounds like you've let her manage the sexual expectations by allowing her to win the argument where she said sex would be off limits.

[rcoreyus]

The problem is that the partner with the lower interest in sex controls a couple's sex life. If she doesn't want sex they don't have it. He can't force her (obviously for moral and legal reasons), and it is generally considered immoral to in any way coerce sex or exchange it for other favors. She gets to win the argument simply by saying "no". If they didn't have children he could leave, but with children it is very complicated. He has a duty to his children and can't abandon them because he isn't getting sex. It is a wretched situation ( I thought I had it bad only getting sex once a month).