[StillLearnin]

I've been lurking a while here, reading posts about sex problems and advice. Now I feel comfortable enough asking this question.

After many, many years of occasional, bland, missionary-only sex with my wife, and working with her to help her get past her sexual hangups, my wife finally has relaxed enough to start having some fun in bed. (I thank God too, because I was about to give up)

So, she's started attempting to give me BJs, as foreplay right now. She'll go maybe 3-4 minutes, then stop, saying that her jaw is sore.

I want to reciprocate, which I am still working on to help her relax enough for me to do that to her. This has been a long, sometimes painful, process working with her. It's been many years of patience, and lots of frustration I have to admit, for both of us. But with the children we have, and the life and family we have built together the past 20 years, it's well worth it.

The question is: is an incorrect technique causing this, or is it just lack of experience? Is it simply "practice make perfect?"

Where's a good place to go to learn the proper technique? Perhaps some books or videos? For me too once she relaxes enough for me to reciprocate. I'm inexperienced in that area as well.

After 25 years of being together we're just now getting past the awkward, fumbling with the bra-strap, phase of our sexual relationship. Yea!

[WildChild]

Don't have much time got to get out the door. Instead of taking your penis in her mouth, have her start with licking and kissing it. I've posted on this many times. Maybe do a search?

[Hopeless Dork]

If she mixes up what she is doing her jaw doesn't have to hurt plus she'll never get bored of just sitting there doing the same action over and over. Helping her, as I am sure you already know is a delicate situation... coming off bossy or correcting in anyway could turn her off them completely.

She can use her hand right along with her mouth to mix it up and give her jaws breaks. 20 years is a long time together to finally break through some walls sexually. I give you much credit for hanging in there.

I know some guys would say oh they'd be gone if their wife didn't satisfy their sexual needs but people are so multifaceted there are a million good points to counter-balance all the ones we would like to be different.

Its a give and take and looks like she is finally learning to relax and put aside whatever it was that lead her to close up her sexuality. Make sure to show your appreciation for that in ways make her feel loved and special.

For now, start slow, since she is actively trying to please you, dont push. Don't wait for her to say her jaws hurt, or make her feel like she is inadequate at giving them (lots of people won't try if they think their effort is in vain). If after 3-4 minutes she gets sore, why don't you after 1-2 minutes stop her tell her how good that feels and that you want to touch her... give her the break and do something different for a while.

Tell her how good what she was doing felt, most people love to feel like they are doing a good job at anything they do, positive reinforcement will give her confidence. If my man brought home a book on how to give a better bj etc... I would probably be insulted and hurt. If she brought you how to make your woman finally orgasm book - you may feel the same. So while there are numerous books and videos that can be helpful -- use caution, care and consideration on how you introduce them if you do.

[StillLearnin]

I've done some searches, been reading a lot of threads.
Wow, there are all kinds discussions about oral. Even about sore jaws. Lots of good advice in this forum.
I'll keep working with her in a loving manner.

BTW, for those interested what finally worked to get her to relax. We've been talking about this for years, obviously. From about the 2nd year we were dating. She wouldn't have premarital sex, and I respected it. But then she wouldn't have sex very often or even bother trying to learn anything more about having a mature sexual relationship with any variety. (Honestly, we have always been sexually incompatible, but I was so much in love with here that I couldn't leave her because she is a very special woman that I still love dearly) So what finally got her to relax was assuring her that we are in this marriage together, that I am always there for her and the kids (I have always been this way to her from day one, and she'll be the first to verify this fact, but I had to state that first because it is true, and to reassure her that though sex is very important to me, her, the family and kids are just as important), and then said that being together 25 years we should be experts at pleasuring each other, should love our intimate time together, knowing that nobody else in the world knows how to do that for us. Plus some other things to reassure her that she is safe with me in this loving marriage.

Thanks for the advice. And wish us luck!

(I can't wait to try deep throat! Just kidding, just kidding!)

[WildChild]

It's great that you two are moving forward and that she is opening up. Believe me there are plenty of women willing to do far more than she has done who haven't received the level of patience, care and love you have shown.

[StillLearnin]

Thank you. The last couple of years has been really tough for me, I've been dealing with a lot inside my head, trying to decide what is more important to me: a stable home for my kids, or a much better sexual relationship. So I decided to choose both. It's so hard to express my needs verbally, so my wife asked me to write them down. So I wrote them down, calling it "My ideal marriage." It was written in general terms, but with the kids involved, (I know, it was skewed towards my children because I can't ignore them being in my life. I'm not in my 20s starting out. I'm in my 40s with children.), like how I would describe my needs for a dating site, or to a woman that I felt I could get serious with.

I'm a very sexual person, and I have never been able to express my sexuality with her. Have to admit that she's very prudish and puritan. The only thing she didn't know she could do is the frequency of 3 to 4 times a week of love making. For me that would be optimal. Actually, I probably could about every day. But she's coming around. We've finally reached a turning point. I just need to be patient a little longer...

But I digress. This topic is about the mechanics of blow jobs.

[alterview]

wow!

kodus to you, stillearnin!-

sounds like you have a great attitude towards your delicate situation. sorry that it has taken this long to finally start openning up about it though. i am sure that there are many people out there with your same issue yet are not proceeding in a positive way such as you are. its also great that your wife is at least open to your feelings. good for you! keep it up.

back to the question... a good bj doesnt not have to involve constant full insertion. enthusiasm on both your parts is one of the biggest keys to enjoyment. pleasure from your partners pleasure makes for great sex. while her jaw takes a break you can masturbate while she stimulates other areas. remember to keep up the encouragement and enthusiasm. it is suppose to be fun for both.

lastly it sounds like she might need to learn how to enjoy sex also. the more she enjoys it the more she will want it; an upward spiral!

best of luck- you are over the toughest part!

[StillLearnin]

An update: since I originally posted she's come a long ways. She's now going at it with a lot more enthusiasm, and actually seems like she is enjoying it. We've done the BJ two ways: me laying down and her kneeling above and to the side of me, where I can see her breasts hanging below (a real turn on for me), and with me standing and her kneeling, which provides the opportunity for a t*t f**k too. That is hawt. (misspelling done intentionally, because it's so hot that it can't be spelled the normal way, it needs it's own unique spelling)

It's my turn to reciprocate. I haven't been able to the past month because she's had some bleeding that required surgery, so I couldn't really go there. But I'm planning on it as soon as the doctor gives the word... Then will try for a 69.

Ladies, and men that aren't there for the way their woman needs them to be, when you have an active, involved, frequent sex with your SO it makes all the difference in the world with the attitude about the relationship. For me it's like night and day from the lack of sex and variety I've had to experience the past 26 years (it's 26 years this Dec 9th for our very first date!). The relationship was worth saving so I finally expressed my needs and made her listen and hear what I'm saying. If she didn't I would be walking soon. But it looks like she's come through. I just need her to keep this up and be consistent to prove to me that it isn't just to appease me for the short term. Then I'll know for sure.

[WildChild]

Don't do 69, that's total carp for most women. She may feel like she has to pretend to enjoy it. She gives you a BJ, it's All about you, all it does for women is get us juicy with no satisfaction other than the pleasure we've given a man we care for. Give her the same attention and focus. When you go down on her, make it all about her.
The bonus with this? She can cum over and over so you can get her off orally and then both of you get off with intercourse.

[StillLearnin]

Don't do 69, that's total carp for most women. She may feel like she has to pretend to enjoy it. She gives you a BJ, it's All about you, all it does for women is get us juicy with no satisfaction other than the pleasure we've given a man we care for. Give her the same attention and focus. When you go down on her, make it all about her.
The bonus with this? She can cum over and over so you can get her off orally and then both of you get off with intercourse.

You might be right, but I have to give it a try. I'm like a kid in a candy store right now. We will be able to at least say that we gave it a try. If we don't like it, then that's fine.