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I... think I lost my virginity. *Sigh*

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  • I... think I lost my virginity. *Sigh*

    I apologise for the potentially graphic information...

    A couple of days ago I fooled around with an acquaintance in a hotel room which was booked by his workplace for business-related reasons. It was for the intention for sex-education, except without the sex. Prior to this I've been really inexperienced - I've only experienced oral sex and I've only done that with him. He's my first and only (so far) sexual partner. Things heated up pretty quickly and we were dry humping. A condom was put on (solely for educational purposes - I wanted to know how to put one on, and nothing else)... and I couldn't keep my arousal levels under control and I asked if we could try partial penetration, thinking that I would remain a virgin. I asked him as well, and he said I'd remain a virgin. I had NO intentions to have sex, and if I knew that partial penetration = loss of virginity, I wouldn't have done it at all.

    Afterwards I still felt like a "virgin" and the feeling was great, but soon after reading posts and researching a bit... I don't think I am anymore, since there was penile-vaginal penetration. The thing is that it was only the tip of the penis that entered and it only lasted for around thirty seconds or less.

    I've spoken to the acquaintance about it, and he tells me that I haven't actually lost my virginity because of the slight penetration and the time period - he said he didn't classify it as sexual intercourse... And I know he isn't saying this to reassure me because I know he's the type to tell me upstraight, regardless of whether it hurts my feelings or not.

    I've been really depressed over this situation. I know it sounds really silly, but I've been crying over it and it just feels like I've lost something so easily, so casually. And without thinking and just not being aware of it, I guess. Which is ironic because

    a) I'm an atheist and
    b) Prior to researching this I felt really happy and felt completely fine.

    I don't understand why this is bumming me out so much, but I can only assume that it's because it's nothing that I assume it would be... For one thing I didn't bleed, and for another it didn't hurt at all - during and afterwards. If anything, being penetrated with two fingers hurt a lot more. Another reason why I'm being bummed about this is because I don't see it as losing my virginity at all because I had no intentions to have sex - before, during and after the meeting - because I knew wasn't ready. , I even refused to strip off all my clothes with him; I kept my dress on. But the fact that it seems like most people think that partial penetration is losing one's virginity... well, I suppose I did lose it.

    My post here is looking for just some advice and... well, some comfort I suppose. I'm too ashamed to talk to anyone I know. I've been thinking about this too much that I've placed myself in a rather emotional state. I can't help but feel worthless and a sl_t, to be honest...

    And I just wanted to also ask if full penetration would feel different as opposed to partial penetration.

    Gah, I wish I wasn't such a ing idiot.

  • Hello hun
    Firstly im not sure how to help you but i'll give you a few thoughts

    1) Dont feel like a sl*t...you are Very very very far from that!

    Dont feel ashamed...you didnt do anything wrong. I think you maybe need to come to terms with the situation...whatever it may be to YOU

    What i mean is....dont think did i lose my virginity or did i not....try thinking about what happened...how it made you feel...how it makes you feel now...and what you're next step is to make yourself come to terms with the past...because yes its the past now.

    I do believe that you should take it as a learning experience and give yourself some slack....

    what do you think?? am i making sense or am i just rambling??

    Comment


    • Originally posted by x.st.angel.x View Post
      Hello hun
      Firstly im not sure how to help you but i'll give you a few thoughts

      1) Dont feel like a sl*t...you are Very very very far from that!

      Dont feel ashamed...you didnt do anything wrong. I think you maybe need to come to terms with the situation...whatever it may be to YOU

      What i mean is....dont think did i lose my virginity or did i not....try thinking about what happened...how it made you feel...how it makes you feel now...and what you're next step is to make yourself come to terms with the past...because yes its the past now.

      I do believe that you should take it as a learning experience and give yourself some slack....

      what do you think?? am i making sense or am i just rambling??
      Thanks for your reply, x.st.angel; I appreciate it. I do get what you're saying, but I just can't come into terms with it. At least, not yet.

      It is a learning experience, yes, but I just can't help but feel like such a major idiot for letting myself go and letting my desires/curiosity get ahead of me.

      The confusion on whether I really lost my virginity or not is really giving me the ****s. I'm so hung up over the fact that I may have lost my virginity despite not having a boyfriend before.

      And it ****s me because it doesn't feel like I lost my virginity at all, lol. I feel... the same old me, if you subtract the feelings of confusion, guilt and immense shame from the confusion.

      The experience made me feel really good - both physically and mentally. I just loved the intimacy and the exploration aspect of it. And this feeling continued until I started researching on partial penetration and virginity. After that point I've been feeling extremely ****ty, and just... ugh.

      I hate sounding weak at the moment, but I can't help but feel extremely vulnerable about this. The fact that I can't seem to talk to anyone I know aggravates the feeling, because I'm absolutely terrified that they'll judge me. So your comment means a lot to me, really - thank you!
      Last edited by IDK; 12-10-2009, 04:09 AM.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by IDK View Post
        The confusion on whether I really lost my virginity or not is really giving me the ****s. I'm so hung up over the fact that I may have lost my virginity despite not having a boyfriend before.
        THis is actually a massive debate, if you do a search on here you'll find heaps of threads on the subject. Some people believe that virginity is taken only when the hymen is broken others believe when penetration happens etc....so how i think you should look at it is...which would you believe?

        "And it ****s me because it doesn't feel like I lost my virginity at all, lol. I feel... the same, if you subtract the feelings of confusion, guilt and immense shame from the confusion."

        and from this quote i have a feeling which one you would choose. Anyways hun it doesnt matter which you choose...the point is to now help you feel better. So what would make you feel better or make you feel at ease with what happened??


        I know you have probably heard this before but try not care what others think because they dont have the RIGHT to judge YOU...they dont!

        What exactly terrify's you about losing your virginity (if i can understand your situation better i may be able to help you out a bit more)

        Saint

        Comment


        • Originally posted by x.st.angel.x View Post
          THis is actually a massive debate, if you do a search on here you'll find heaps of threads on the subject. Some people believe that virginity is taken only when the hymen is broken others believe when penetration happens etc....so how i think you should look at it is...which would you believe?

          "And it ****s me because it doesn't feel like I lost my virginity at all, lol. I feel... the same, if you subtract the feelings of confusion, guilt and immense shame from the confusion."

          and from this quote i have a feeling which one you would choose. Anyways hun it doesnt matter which you choose...the point is to now help you feel better. So what would make you feel better or make you feel at ease with what happened??


          I know you have probably heard this before but try not care what others think because they dont have the RIGHT to judge YOU...they dont!

          What exactly terrify's you about losing your virginity (if i can understand your situation better i may be able to help you out a bit more)

          Saint
          I suppose I'm a bit conflicted with what I think and what society thinks, really. I don't know what to believe is the "right" definition or not. I sincerely don't think I lost my virginity, because I physically didn't feel anything at all. And at the same time what I did with that acquaintance... well, there was no purpose or objective to have sex. Even when he partially penetrated me. I know it can sound silly since there must be an awareness that partial penetration would, at least, somewhat constitute a desire to have sex, but I didn't have that intention - even if that may be hard to believe. It was more of a curiosity. And with things heating up, I wasn't thinking straight at all. Like I said before, if I had thought straight and known that partial penetration = loss of virginity, I wouldn't have suggested it.

          But at the same time I know society doesn't hold the same views as I do... and I begin to wonder if I'm trying to skew my perceptions to fit in with I want to believe, to comfort myself. Lol, do I make sense? Or am I talking cr_p? I do hope it's the former.

          *Shrugs* I really don't know exactly what would ease this, but I suppose if I could go back in time... but that's impossible, hey? :P I suppose just clearing the confusion in my mind and just having a form of acceptance would be great. Or just block this incident fully.

          I know, and I do believe with what you say. But it's quite difficult when the opinions of those who matter you, matter to you.

          What terrifies me... I suppose the ambiguity of labels. For these past couple of days the thought of someone asking me if I was a virgin or not has been terrifying me (I've had a couple of people ask me before, so...). I don't know how to answer that now. There's also the dirty feeling I get in losing my virginity to someone I don't care for... with that acquaintance, he's a nice guy but he's not someone I trust completely or someone I am willing to give my all to, if that makes sense. And just the shame and sl_tty feeling from losing my virginity before being in any relationship.
          Last edited by IDK; 12-10-2009, 04:56 AM.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by IDK View Post
            I suppose I'm a bit conflicted with what I think and what society thinks, really. I don't know what to believe is the "right" definition or not. I sincerely don't think I lost my virginity, because I physically didn't feel anything at all. And at the same time what I did with that acquaintance... well, there was no purpose or objective to have sex. Even when he partially penetrated me. I know it can sound silly since there must be an awareness that partial penetration would, at least, somewhat constitute a desire to have sex, but I didn't have that intention - even if that may be hard to believe. It was more of a curiosity. And with things heating up, I wasn't thinking straight at all. Like I said before, if I had thought straight and known that partial penetration = loss of virginity, I wouldn't have suggested it.
            If you dont believe you did then go with that, really if thats whats going to help then believe it! Disregard anyones opinion of whether you did or didnt, tell yourself you didnt but dont regret what happened as i said it was a learning experience.

            *Shrugs* I really don't know exactly what would ease this, but I suppose if I could go back in time... but that's impossible, hey? :P I suppose just clearing the confusion in my mind and just having a form of acceptance would be great. Or just block this incident fully.
            Acceptance.....everyone is responsible for thier actions and instead of regretting those actions embrace them, learn from them and move on from them. I bet you in a few years time...maybe even a few weeks! you'll look back on what happened and have a completely different opinion or view on the whole thing

            I know, and I do believe with what you say. But it's quite difficult when the opinions of those who matter you, matter to you.
            I understand where you are coming from but remember, you are only human....so are they...people do things that make them feel how you are now. What im trying to say is no ones perfect...they cant expect you to be, whoever they may be....am i making sense??

            What terrifies me... I suppose the ambiguity of labels. For these past couple of days the thought of someone asking me if I was a virgin or not has been terrifying me (I've had a couple of people ask me before, so...). I don't know how to answer that now. There's also the dirty feeling I get in losing my virginity to someone I don't care for... with that acquaintance, he's a nice guy but he's not someone I trust completely or someone I am willing to give my all to, if that makes sense. And just the shame and sl_tty feeling from losing my virginity before being in any relationship.
            If someone asks you....you tell them what you feel is right to tell them. If you plan on getting into a serious relationship with someone in my opinion tell them and explain why you believe you are still a virgin...they may agree or disagree...but be open to what they would have to say.

            As for random friends asking you if you are a virgin...tell them what you want to tell them, because as i said there debates on this subject and no one really knows for sure.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by x.st.angel.x View Post
              If you dont believe you did then go with that, really if thats whats going to help then believe it! Disregard anyones opinion of whether you did or didnt, tell yourself you didnt but dont regret what happened as i said it was a learning experience.



              Acceptance.....everyone is responsible for thier actions and instead of regretting those actions embrace them, learn from them and move on from them. I bet you in a few years time...maybe even a few weeks! you'll look back on what happened and have a completely different opinion or view on the whole thing



              I understand where you are coming from but remember, you are only human....so are they...people do things that make them feel how you are now. What im trying to say is no ones perfect...they cant expect you to be, whoever they may be....am i making sense??



              If someone asks you....you tell them what you feel is right to tell them. If you plan on getting into a serious relationship with someone in my opinion tell them and explain why you believe you are still a virgin...they may agree or disagree...but be open to what they would have to say.

              As for random friends asking you if you are a virgin...tell them what you want to tell them, because as i said there debates on this subject and no one really knows for sure.
              Lol, I suck because I have this tendency to complicate things. You probably can tell, haha. I want to believe my definition, but at the same time I don't want to be self-delusional... I'd rather much try to accept the truth than live in delusion, I suppose. And one part of me thinks that my beliefs may be a bit too self-serving. Is it, do you think?

              A learning experience... I will definitely look through that perspective. (:

              And I get the feeling too that I will eventually have a different opinion altogether. Hopefully soon though, haha. I suppose I'm just really new to this sexuality-business that I might be looking at this too seriously. And the fact that I tend to overthink most - if not all the time - probably aggravates the situation, lol.

              No, you make perfect sense. And I do see some comfort in that. (: I'm still a bit iffy, but I feel a lot better now - thanks. (:

              The definition of virginity is rather subjective, isn't it. And I will definitely do what you suggest. (: I suppose I'm just a bit afraid of the judging, haha. Even though I know it shouldn't matter, it doesn't stop me feeling a bit apprehensive about it, lol. And sometimes people can't help but judge, I suppose.

              Thanks a lot; I really appreciate it. I was really down when I posted this, but now I feel a whole lot better. I'm still a bit depressed, but compared to before I'm much, much better. So thank you!

              Comment


              • Im glad you are feeling better! and i can see a few smiles in that last post! keep that up...theres nothing better than being positive.

                Go with the flow hun and see where the path takes you. Tell people if you wish, dont if you dont wish to share. Be yourself

                You sound like a lovely lady and i hope i helped you today! Accept the situation because you cant go back....but as i said before embrace what you have learned from this experience!

                Sorry this reply is short its extremely late here and im about to head to bed.
                Please feel free to drop me a message if you wish to talk (you can do this by clicking on my name) or just reply here and i shall speak to you in the morning.

                Welcome to the forum!
                Saint

                Comment


                • Originally posted by x.st.angel.x View Post
                  Im glad you are feeling better! and i can see a few smiles in that last post! keep that up...theres nothing better than being positive.

                  Go with the flow hun and see where the path takes you. Tell people if you wish, dont if you dont wish to share. Be yourself

                  You sound like a lovely lady and i hope i helped you today! Accept the situation because you cant go back....but as i said before embrace what you have learned from this experience!

                  Sorry this reply is short its extremely late here and im about to head to bed.
                  Please feel free to drop me a message if you wish to talk (you can do this by clicking on my name) or just reply here and i shall speak to you in the morning.

                  Welcome to the forum!
                  Saint
                  Thanks again - I s'pose I'll just have to get into the groove of fully accepting the situation. I'm feeling a lot better though, so I'm greatly appreciative.

                  And no worries; I actually live in Australia as well (Melbourne to be specific) and it is getting pretty late. I should be going off to bed as well - night!

                  Comment


                  • I'm sorry you are feeling so down about this but I'll throw in my dollar's worth. Virginity as a concept is highly overrated. You may identify yourself as an atheist but you have absorbed some guilt ridden societal norms regarding sex. It's hard not to. Here in the US where we still battle the vestiges of the puritan ethics it's even worse.
                    Yes the definition of virginity it subjective.
                    What does virginity do for you?
                    What value do you preceive it to have?

                    It's no one else's business. A future lover will be interested in how experienced you are because it gives them a better idea how to approach you sexually. But if they have a hang up about having a virgin, better to kiss them good bye anyway.

                    I think you can safely consider yourself to have "fooled around" extensively. Do you have any concerns for possible STIs?

                    One day you will find someone you want the full experience with but for now don't give this so much energy.

                    Comment

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