[ShA]

I am in desperate need of some advice...

My partner and I (we are a lesbian couple), have been together for 3 years now. In the beginning, we had sex all the time, but even back then, she never really seemed that interested in pleasing me. everything seems to be all about her. I was okay with this for the most part because she did make an effort to please me and everything was great. but soon after the "honeymoon" period, we stopped having sex. She claimed that she was stressed, too tired or overworked, or just not into having sex at all. she blamed it all on a lack of sex drive. I just accepted this until I had caught her, on numerous occasions, masturbating... not long after telling me that she didn't want sex. I am ALL FOR masturbating, but i don't like her lying to me. after confronting her and talking about it, she claimed that she was just selfish and apologized for it. she said that she wanted sex but she didn't want to return it and felt awful so she stopped having sex with me. we tried to work this out for about a year, but there were no major changes. now here we are, starting out third year together, and i am lucky if i get sex once a month from her... and yet, she is still masturbating happily away. except now, she is lying to me about doing it... even when she knows that i know. this is ruining our relationship because she is choosing to masturbate rather than have sex with me. I understand that it is easier, quicker, and less strenuous, but even she will admit that the orgasms are much better with me than what her vibrator can give her. I just don't understand how to get her to stop masturbating and have sex with me...

sorry for going on and on but I am at my wits end and I am feeling so neglected and hurt...
please help,
Shay

[Hopeless Dork]

Is she intimate in other ways with you? Does she still enjoy cuddles, kissing, hand holding... etc? Did you make promises not to sleep with other people? I'm assuming so since she is your wife. If so ... its EXTREMELY selfish of her to ask you to be faithful, yet say sorry no sex from me... so she has basically decided that you will become ... a roomate, but worse than a roomate... a roomate that is not allowed to have sex, not with her, not with anyone because you are to be faithful.

I could see this in a whole other light if she was actually asexual and didn't masturbate... but she has a drive... she just doesn't want to share that with you and you have to ask yourself after going on like this for as long as you have ... if you'd be happy going on like that for the rest of your life if she is your forever partner.

She could include you at some level, even just mutual masturbation, or doing yourselves while holding each other close etc... you know what I mean? That would be better than her doing it alone in secret lying and keeping her sexual aspects to herself.

I'm curious to know about the other ways she shows her love for you, the things she does that make you feel special and thought about, cared for, loved, appreciated... all the things that make being in a relationship worthwhile.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree with Hopeless Dork, it's not a relationship if she's not willing to participate and choses, to be behind closed doors instead.

I'm concerned that in reality, she has always been this way from the inset..

Is this something newer to her? Meaning was she always a lesbian or was she bi-sexual before she met you...

Sorry for asking this question but your saying she enjoys your efforts and intimacy and love, but she can't give the effort or intimacy back to you and really never did.

Maybe it's difficult for her if this is her first real lesbian relationship, that's the only reason why I am asking.

CW

[rcoreyus]

interesting, sounds similar to my relationship (althoug we never had much sex) except that I am a straight male. My wife also masturbates but rarely wants sex with me - she hides it and I haven't confronted her, I feel its her business, and she's been unwilling to talk the few times I've hinted anyway. .

Maybe your partner didn't like to be intimate with men and is now discovering that this doesn't necessarily mean she is attracted to women. But maybe she just doesn't like sex.

I know how upsetting / depressing / demeaning this feels. I'm sure it isn't anything you are, or are not doing.

You could try offering to pleasure her without getting anything in return to see how it goes. (My wife has turned down this offer, but it seemed worth a try).

I am starting to think that some people just don't enjoy sex - at least with others. If sex is important to you (as it is to most people), maybe you need to end this relationship before you are too deeply committed (almost 25 years for me - no way out now).

[KMonte85]

after confronting her and talking about it, she claimed that she was just selfish and apologized for it. she said that she wanted sex but she didn't want to return it and felt awful so she stopped having sex with me. we tried to work this out for about a year, but there were no major changes

It sounds like she is just telling you what you want to hear, and then going back to the same old, same old that she is comfortable with.

I think you should need to do sit her down and tell her just how serious the situation is. She seems to have cast your concerns aside like they are no big deal, but obviously they are. She needs to be made aware that her selfishness for gratification with no return is going to break her relationship up. She can't reasonably expect you to go on living like this....

[ShA]

In every other aspect of our relationship, she is wonderful. I love her with all my heart and I know that she loves me... just maybe not as much I fear. And no, she has been with a select few men before but she has always known she was a lesbian. Its just who she is. And I knew she was into herself and slightly selfish when we met but it just made her even more adorable. She used to getting what she wants and I dont know how to get her to see that this isnt an option without ending it. I honestly know that she loves sex with me, and when shes well rested and stress free and the world stands still... like on vacations, we have a wonderful sex life. but even during sex she is selfish and spends as little time as possible pleasuring me.

Thank you for all of your replies,
Shay

[rcoreyus]

I generally think that someone being selfish in bed is a bad sign, but maybe she will get better. Good luck.

[Guest]

The more I read, the more I am believing that too much masturbation leads to unrealistic presumptions and expectations about partnered sex.

Just FYI - A partner that is not willing to satisfy your sexual desires, and that selfishly leaves you out of their own sex life isn't much of a partner at all...is he/she?

Good luck to you.

[Guest]

interesting, sounds similar to my relationship (althoug we never had much sex) except that I am a straight male. My wife also masturbates but rarely wants sex with me - she hides it and I haven't confronted her, I feel its her business, and she's been unwilling to talk the few times I've hinted anyway. .

You seem very level headed about this....if that were to happen to me, she'd be out the door.

[WildChild]

I agree with OTYA maybe not the out the door but that too much masterbation can cause some real problems . This sounds very familiar. Only I'm dealing with a man who'd rather just do it and get it over with himself. In his case it started as a way to avoid the emotional depth that he couldn't handle but has become a habit as well.

Communication is about all I can recommend. If she wants to save the relationship she will have to be willing to do some self examination, honest communication and make some changes.