[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm holding firm on my needs right now because, as CW said, if I let it go and don't keep it in the forefront of our relationship right now, yes, it could revert back to the old ways. When I finally feel like the norm is what I need, and my level of contentment is up and I'm satisfied, then I'll back off. She's prone to going back to her old ways very quickly. Believe me, I know her very well. So I have to stay on top of it.

Like I said it's "fear", you've waited so long to have intimacy, that your staying as you put it, on top of it for the fear of losing it again.

But, that fear is making you "mechanical", think about it.... Regimental over things... Be careful, you need to add the reality in as well, the love, the real intimacy...

And she later told me that she liked it that way because she knows during the week when she needs to be ready for me

Because of this statement above. That, means that she wants to "know" when she "has to perform"......

Without going back to re-read the other thread....

Why does your wife "want" to make the marriage work? It sounds very mechanical to me, like there is actually a reason behind her doing this, which is not as much desire, rather, has to...

That part I am not liking

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm venting here so I don't express anger at her. I told her that I'm not going to get angry towards her anymore about our sexual problems. I'm so tired of doing that

Yessum, you are venting. But, nothing wrong with giving you tips and advice that may help this new process along the way, after all, we seemed to have helped with the intial problem when you joined

Just think on some things said and ask yourself those questions and whether or not there is merit in anything that may help you further.

CW

[Airmans Sweetie]

well it is good that u have found another outlet to express ur frustrations without gettin angry at her.
i agree there is alot of i & not enough we. now i wasn't around for ur previous post but from the sounds of it, for the past 20 years (sry if that is wrong) she was happy & u weren't to thrilled. now u want ur turn. thing is though it's not about turns. cause by it being "ur turn" she might feel how u did for the first 20 years! u wouldn't want her to feel that way now would ya? yall have to compromise. cause otherwise it's just gonna push yall further apart. i'm not griping at u, just saying u 2 can still have wat yall both want but u gotta give & take a little. & also she has done the things she does for 20 years, it's hard to change that....bare with her. again kudos for venting here & not yelling or getting angry with her!

[StillLearnin]

She wants to make it work because she truly loves me, I am a great husband and father, and a good provider to her and our children.

I know she truly loves me. She is just now learning to show me love in the way that I need.

I want to make it work because I truly love her and have so much invested into her and our marriage, which I don't want to lose.

I just gave her a hug and apologized if I came across angry this morning. She said a little. And I did ask if planning is ok. And she responded, and I quote: "planning? that's me. I'm a planner, so that's fine with me. Helps me get into the right mindset for our time together."

I can work with that...

thank you all for your help in this matter. I start feeling bad when I hear responses like I did, and it makes me think about how I'm acting.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sometimes, we all just need to hear, how we speak in order to hear how other's may hear us...

Best wishes.... I'm glad that you keep progressing together...

CW

[nightqueen]

Ugh! I would hate being told when sex was scheduled, and being told that I had to do it on a certian day b/c my period was coming up. I think you sound controlling.

[Hopeless Dork]

The whole 'since we did it on such and such and should be good for a while' is an indicator, in my opinion.. that she's seeing it more as a job than a shared sexual pleasure. Like if she is doing it simply to please you, its more likely she will give an estimate of what she feels is a sufficient compromise and say things like 'okay we did it yesterday, we're good right?'. Usually the person that wants more sex in the relationship, is going to do things like you're doing - planning ahead, seeing times when she wont and trying to make up for it ahead of time where as the person that wants less is going to try to do the bare minimum to make you happy.

Its a hurtful feeling when you feel like the one you love is making being with you into a job/chore that they tick off like 'there, that'll shut em' up for at least 2 days'. I guess the root of the issue would be that maybe she isn't enjoying the sex for some reason and this very likely has little to do with you if you are sure you are focusing on her and her pleasure.

I've known plenty of women that despise sex, even if they orgasm from it. They see it as just something thats going to make them sweaty and need a shower and not worth all the hassle and various other reasons they put it on back burner such as a prime one, lack of drive, or lack of ability to become aroused during the act or unable to obtain orgasm etc.

Some relationship experts advise to 'schedule sex'... but i think once you get to the point where each team is keeping a tally of not enough or 'thats enough'... its not great for intimacy. To me, sex should be about the organic vibe and desire in that moment. I think plotting for sunday sex is just as unfair to yourself and her as her plotting no sunday sex... as you set an expectation that she and or you will be in the mood on that day, and well... you might not, she might not.

Its so much better to just be close to each other every day and if the vibe hits you go for it then and there, whether you did it yesterday or last week... when someone says we will do it on thursday at lunch, thats assuming either partner will even be in the mood thursday at lunch... a lot an happen to damper things before then.. so keeping a more spontanious mind about it... both of you - could help a lot.

[Little]

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